Home→Forums→Relationships→I think my partner is being selfish
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June 28, 2021 at 7:33 am #382068
Bonni_morParticipantI have been in a relationship with a man for 7 years. We met in university in his final year and he got a job in a different city within our first year of dating. We were in a long distance relationship for a year. In our second year of the relationship, he moved back to the city I was in for a different job. We both intended to study abroad for further learning and he got a scholarship for a school in China. He initially lied to me and said the duration of his studies would be for a year, but it was actually for 2 years. His reasoning was that he didn’t want to lose me. This particular long distance relationship was difficult for me as I’m an affectionate person and grew to learn that I couldn’t handle the physical separations as well as I thought I could. We broke up as a result but maintained virtual contact. We decided to get back together after a few months and he returned to my city. About 5 months after his return, I got an opportunity to work in Los Angeles for a year. We discussed it and he was very supportive in my move. We were in a long distance relationship again which was successful and helped us grow closer. After my return to my home country, COVID 19 happened and we have been living together to date. Our relationship has never been better and we have been making plans for the future. One of these plans is the reason I have uploaded this post. I asked him if we could study abroad together and whether he would be open to it. He said he would be but was not as invested in the idea as I was. I applied for schools and scholarships, and he applied for scholarships only. I got into a few schools and didn’t receive a scholarship but he did. He is now actively pursuing going without me and I feel betrayed by that. I am unable to be a supportive girlfriend right now because this was truly my dream for us and a way to prevent us from being physically separated whilst still pursuing our dreams. Am I being unsupportive?
June 28, 2021 at 9:01 am #382070Bonni_morParticipantI would like to preface this thread with saying that I am using a borrowed account to send this submission. My sister informed me that it might be helpful.
June 28, 2021 at 10:47 am #382073
AnonymousGuestDear Bonni_mor’s sister:
About 4 years of your 7-year relationship has been long-distance (LDR):
(1) Within a year of dating, he moved elsewhere for a job, and a one-year LDR ensued.
(2) He moved to your city for a different job and a close-proximity relationship ensued.
(3) He moved to China to study, and a two-year LDR ensued. Before he left to China, he lied to you, telling you that he will be in China for only one year. He lied, he told you, because knowing that you don’t like to be in a LDR, he was afraid that if you knew it was to be for two years, you would break up with him.
(4) You then broke up but kept a virtual contact.
(5) Later you resumed a LDR, and after his two years absence, he returned to your city for a 5-month close-proximity relationship.
(6) You moved to Los Angeles and a LDR of a year ensued.
(7) You returned to your home country, Covid happened (early 2020) and you’ve been living together ever since. The relationship “has never been better”, and the two of you have been making plans for the future, one of which was to study abroad together. He was less invested in the idea than you were, applied to scholarships (and was approved), but he did not to schools. You applied to both, got into a few schools but didn’t receive a scholarship.
(8) He is now actively pursuing schools and leaving you for yet another stretch of a LDR.
“I feel betrayed by that. I am unable to be a supportive girlfriend right now because this was truly my dream for us and a way to prevent us from being physically separated whilst still pursuing our dreams. Am I being unsupportive?”-
– You are unsupportive of his individual plan to leave you. The mutual plan was to study abroad together. When making this plan, did the two of you discuss the real possibilities that (a) one of you will be approved for a scholarship, and the other will not, and (b) the two of you will not be accepted to the same school, or to schools close-to each other? If so, what was the content of such discussion/s?
The question of betrayal depends on your answer to the above.
anita
June 28, 2021 at 12:11 pm #382076Bonni_morParticipantHi Anita,
We had spoken at length about those variables. He understood that I didn’t want us to be in a LDR again and that I wanted to pursue this personal goal subject to him being able to go with me. If either of us were not accepted, we would not go. I have always supported him in pursuing his goals, as aforementioned, at my expense and I expressed that I will not be able to survive another separation, whether to pursue my own goals or if he wanted to pursue his, again. He now suddenly appreciates the opportunity a lot more than he did after being accepted for the scholarship and believes it to be his fate and what God wanted for him, which hurts me because I don’t think he appreciates how this affetcs me. Further to my previous question, how do I communicate this to him without giving him an ultimatum, because I genuinely cannot experience another LDR.
June 28, 2021 at 12:43 pm #382077AnonymousGuestDear Bonni-mor’s sister:
“He understood that I didn’t want us to be in a LDR again and that I wanted to pursue this personal goal subject to him being able to go with me. If either of us were not accepted, we would not go“-
– The part I italicized means that you and him had an agreement, a verbal contract: that either the two of you study abroad together, or none of you do. In other words, the agreement was that the two of you remain in a close-proximity relationship.
“He is now actively pursuing going without me and I feel betrayed by that”- you really are being betrayed.
“I am unable to be a supportive girlfriend right now”- it is not appropriate for a girlfriend to support a man while he is in the process of betraying her.
“Am I being unsupportive?”- yes, you are being unsupportive of the man who is betraying you while he is busy betraying you.
“how do I communicate this to him without giving him an ultimatum, because I genuinely cannot experience another LDR”- I suggest that you express and explain to him that he is in the process of betraying the verbal contract he has made with you, and that by doing so, he is in the process of betraying you. Then wait for his response, or ask for it. Don’t respond to his response. Instead, let me know how he responds, and we can take it from there.
anita
June 28, 2021 at 12:47 pm #382078Bonni_morParticipantAlright Anita, thank you! I will do so
June 28, 2021 at 1:18 pm #382080AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Bonni_mor’s sister. When I receive your next post, I will reply further.
anita
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