October 7, 2016 at 5:17 am #117412GunterParticipant
I don’t think you need to go any deeper. You’ve pretty much hit the core. I had similar feelings, and the core untruth for me was “I am not good enough” This was something that was implied during my childhood all the time. I believed it, and, because I did, I kept attracting more of it into my life.
So, I do believe you know what the lie is that you are telling yourself. But now you have to put in the work. You have to undo that belief, and replace it with what you want to believe about yourself.
One way to do this is with affirmations (you may already have done this). From personal experience I can tell you that as you begin, you’ll feel like an idiot trying to tell yourself you are worthy of love, and that you are just as deserving of Love as anybody else. It feels weird to be telling oneself this. HOWEVER, it works. I’ve done this. After a little while it doesn’t feel so stupid. It starts feeling more like the truth. And as you keep going, you confront the lie more and more, and it starts to loosen it’s grip on you, until it fades away. It sounds so simple, but it’s also hard. You have to keep at it. They say that if you do this for at least 21 days that it starts to take hold.
I’m doing the same thing regarding the relationship I had. The problem is I still see this woman almost every day, as we work in the same room in the same company. And I know she still has feelings for me, but she treated me badly (not on purpose, but she has a very hard time expressing feelings, so the way she dealt with me was very confused and heartless). I’ve come to realize that she triggered the shadow of “I’m not good enough. I don’t deserve to be loved” in me. So now I’m doing affirmations to eradicate this lie. It’s hard work, but I need to do this, otherwise I will keep falling into the same patterns with other relationships.
GunterOctober 7, 2016 at 7:46 am #117417NinjaParticipant
I’m sincerely sorry to hear that you’re both going through this. While we are all critical of ourselves—of course, some much more than others—I do appreciate what you’re feeling.
But sadly, it really seems that you two should be apart. And I believe you know this.
Not everyone is ready or hard-wired to be in a long-term relationship. And that’s okay. It takes a certain level of confidence, inner strength and selflessness. To be “in love” means putting that other person before yourself. When this is reciprocated (and they care more for you than themselves), it’s a wonderful thing. And very rare. So please, don’t beat yourself up for not putting this girl before yourself. You’re an “unfinished work” and may still be maturing, growing and discovering – at any age. To some degree, it is okay to be selfish. (But cheating is never cool in any committed relationship as it hurts the other person.)
The best part here is you’re being honest – at least with us in this forum. I’m guessing it’s very cathartic for you. Which is good. You need this. But you’ve said that you’re not attracted to her, etc. It’s done.
Also, if you care for her in any way, let her go. It will be immediately hard for you both. Probably more for her as she wants this significantly more than you. But ultimately, it will free her to explore and, if it’s right, find someone who will love her.
Let her go, pal. It will be the best for you both. And, I think you know this.
Wishing you both peace …
October 7, 2016 at 8:47 am #117421noepiphany37Participant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Ninja.
Thanks for your message. I met up with her yesterday and confirmed that I don’t think we should get back together. She agreed that this was best. It was apparent to her that she was wanting the relationship to work a lot more than I was. We then had a nice day together hanging out.
Your message makes a lot of sense. I think it’s absolutely the right thing to have left it alone now. I don’t want to mess her about.
Thanks for writingOctober 7, 2016 at 10:19 am #117430NinjaParticipant
Good to know.
You probably both need some time to heal. Give that to yourself. You might need it more than you realize.
Have a great weekend.