Dear jenko88:

I will paraphrase/ summarize your post and ask you if I understand you correctly; if I don’t correct me:

In your one year relationship you were “the fighter” – the one getting angry, often enough. You initiated arguments and fights and escalated them, last one was about what movie to watch. You kept sending him little verbal daggers- nagging. He told you he is okay with who you are except when you are angry at him.

He often enough responded with anger himself, fighting back but got tired of it, felt defeated, drained and he doesn’t want to defend/ fight back anymore. So he broke up with you and you want him back. You told him you are willing to change but didn’t tell him what you need to change and how you are going to accomplish that.

Am I correct? Another question: did you have conversations before the breakup about the fighting and anger between the two of you?

anita

Dear jenko88:

Well, if this sums it up then you shouldn’t get him back unless you are willing and able to stop being this kind of “a fighter” and become a fighter of another kind. You shouldn’t rekindle the relationship for another run of abuse. A man, or a woman, should not be part of a war-zone kind of relationship, being under attack at any time. Safety is the cornerstone, the most important and necessary element in a loving relationship.

To get him back you first and foremost have to have a mind-boggling kind of realization that your kind of fighting has to stop, that it is not negotiable. Then you need some help in the process of… de-fighting. Maybe psychotherapy with a competent therapist, maybe a self help group.

If he believes that indeed you will provide him with a safe environment, maybe he will be drawn to you again. Of course, there is also the chance that he will get lonely, as many people do go back to destructive relationships for another run, and yet another.

Would you like to share about the origin of your fighting, your anger- when did it start, who was it that hurt you when you were a child?

anita

I completely relate to your story at least from what you wrote. It’s like you’re talking about me. He is right. I’m not saying he’s perfect, I am saying he is right and I tell you that from the bottom of my heart because I just realized the impact this has on our relationship. You have to realize it now, because if not you’ll eventually be with someone else and this cycle will repeat over and over until you understand that you’re doing something wrong. You can’t be with someone who criticizes everything you do, everything you say, everything about yourself. And imagine how this feels like when it comes from the person you really love and loves you back. I won’t go into details about why we’re like that, ’cause I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter right now. You absolutely must understand, I mean REALLY UNDERSTAND why you need to stop this. It took me a really long time to understand. For now I really understand and hope I won’t fall back in my pattern of fear… ’cause that’s what it is at the roots. Only fear. Every time you exaggerated something, overreacted about something small and you two started to fight he felt negative emotions in his heart. Every single time. These added in his heart and now he feels there are too many negative emotions. He can’t relax with you, ’cause you won’t relax and just be and enjoy his presence. Your mind would find something wrong in his every action and then you would feel something negative (fear) and would react. And maybe after some time you would realize you really overreacted and it was nothing. You can’t erase anything he felt. You have to change for yourself. It’s not like he cheats on you or lies to you or hides things from you. He doesn’t do anything like that, right? It’s just your fear and lack of trust in general and overthinking and insecurities. When you will have real facts you can act like that. Learn to trust, learn to love and understand he is his own person. Just like you he has feelings and thoughts and wishes and etc. The thing is… even if he would be perfect, you’d still find something that’s not right or you’d still always wait for the ‘bad thing’ to happen. I’m waiting for your reply!