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I want to become a bad person

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  • #357580
    xlea
    Participant

    I have been off my anti depressants for a month now. Things had been great but for some reason, I feel lazy again. I feel angry again.

     

    I want to become a bad person, I want to make people’s lives miserable, I want to live like there’s only me in this world. I want to start drinking, I want to start doing drugs, I want tattoo my face. I want to not care. I want people to attend to all my needs. I’m not the king I know. I don’t have any right to be this entitled but I want to be the bad guy.

     

    What’s your opinion on this.

    #357589
    anita
    Participant

    Dear xlea:

    The following is what you shared here:

    June 2018: “Help, something’s wrong with me.. I know that I am stressed.. eating excessively, panic attacks, having headaches and giddiness… wanting to cry.. and then suddenly not feeling anything at all.. my emotions cut off so abruptly, is very strange… Is something wrong with me? Is this normal? Please help, I feel like I am going insane.”

    November 2018: “My exams have finished recently.. this girl confessed to me.. I cried and the only phrase that kept repeating in my head was, ‘I am worthless.’.. All the self-degrading thoughts clouded my mind and I just kept crying… anything that has to do with liking someone romantically puts me in a really depressed state. I really don’t understand why. I have had no bad dating experience or witnessed bad dating experiences”.

    February 2020: “I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety.. I stay at home everyday studying for my examinations to enter university. With the new virus COVID I refuse to leave the house because of my anxiety. I stay at home without any exercise… I constantly contemplate.. I have cut off all social communication except with my family… I am bored and I can’t sleep at night.. I await my daunting examinations in a few months”.

    June 2020: “I have been off my anti depressants for a month now.. I feel lazy again. I feel angry again. I want to become a bad person. I want to make people’s lives miserable, I want to live like there’s only me in this world. I want to start drinking, I want to start doing drugs, I want tattoo my face. I want to  not care. I want to attend to all my needs… I want to be the bad guy.”

    My question(so to start a conversation with you, hopefully): if you are still staying indoors all the time, living with your parents, maybe with siblings and grandparents as well, whose lives do you want to make miserable-your family members? Please elaborate.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #358959
    miaim
    Participant

    xlea,

    my advise to you is to search and read information of borderline personality disorder. Often times people who have it are also diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression.

    Do you experience extreme mood swings? Do you feel everything in one moment and nothing at all the next? Do you feel like you have a void inside you and the emptiness is all consuming? Are you willing to do almost anything to fill that void? Including doing drugs or binge drinking or shopping mindlessly? Do you have hard time to regonize yourself sometimes?

    If you answered yes to any of those questions you should check out borderline personality disorder. Some of the writings you find will be nasty to read and it is very stigmatized disorder but you will also find ways to cope with mood swings, self sabotaging habits (like wanting to be bad person) and just how to regulate feelings.

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