Dear Shandrea:

Thank you, and please do be brave and patient. Let’s talk more tomorrow, or when you post again!

anita

Dear Shandrea:

Wed, Sept 4: your son’s first day as a 4th grader, how EXCITING!

anita

Dear Shandrea: Good to read that you had a Good Day! Looking forward to your posting Sat!

anita

Dear Shondrea:

You mean my participation here in the forums? No, not at all a job. I am a member here, just like you (I will soon be away from the computer for a while).

anita

Dear Shandrea:

You are welcome. “I currently feel accomplished… for now I feel ok!… I love the whole me now“- good to read this!

“I  have a lot of family members blocked from my phone. They gaslight me, they also call me a names like Oreo (My skin is black but I act white.. My sister wants me to unblock and talk to them… Last year… my dad…  called me fat… and said I ain’t sh*t and I will never have sh*t… I don’t want to be a part of drama but I can’t keep these people blocked forever“- I would keep all offenders (family or not) blocked from your phone and from your life.

“As a kid I was forced to talk to these people but as an adult I don’t have to“- exactly: now, you don’t have to!

“How do you treat or communicate with relatives you don’t trust… I guess my son need to meet them too“- if you choose contact with offending, not-to-be-trusted people, do it not in a 1-to-1 context, such as talking with your father on the phone, or meeting him where it’s just you and him (or you, him, and your son), but in a public setting where there are people around, a setting where an offender will be too embarrassed to offend you (because people are watching): let’s say a wedding, a big family gathering, a restaurant.

“I also told him (your father) what I thought of him. I called him a cr*ck head sperm donor“- you pointed to and criticized his specific problematic behaviors: addiction to crack, and not parenting his children. In this criticism, you gave him an opportunity to consider his .. misbehaviors, and to consider changing those. If he was a good person, he’d say (and mean it): yes, I am addicted to crack, and yes, I did not take care of you. I am so sorry. I want to make it up to you now, just a bit..

Notice that when he said this to you: “He also called me fat“, he was  criticizing, not your behavior, but your looks, which is  nothing but rude. When he said this to you: “and said I ain’t sh*t and I will never have sh*t“- he did not criticize any specific problematic behaviors that he thinks you should change, so= no opportunity for you to consider positive changes. He was general and his intent was nothing but to hurt your feelings.

I am so sorry that he talked to you like this. It makes me angry that he did. You definitely did not, and do not deserve such talk!

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“I have a lot of peace since blocking them“- keep your peace by keeping them blocked..!

“They are used to me people pleasing now that I say no, I am called crazy and weird ,or too emotional“- it’s the ones calling you names who are too emotional, and in a rude way.

“I don’t care what they think of me. I like myself more now  than I ever did in the past“- I very much like reading this!

“To me loving someone is you care about their wellbeing. Correct me if I’m wrong about my definition of love“- not wrong at all, it’s an excellent definition!

“Growing up relatives tell you they love you,  how are you telling me you love me than you try to emotionally abuse me“- exactly!

“Why do I have to fight these people I already have enough challenges being a single black mom born in the hood“- this reminds me of how important it is to think before I talk, so to not hurt people’s feelings, people who are already hurt and struggling.

“I am the oldest of 5 , but just because I was the oldest didn’t mean I didn’t need support.“- you needed support and you needed someone to care about your well-being, aka love.

anita