I am writing this mostly because I feel I need to share the story and to hear others thoughts about it. Also writing this out is a positive outlet in my eyes. anyway…

Background: I am a 25 year old game designer going to school for game design. I am an entrepreneur who runs a game design company and I am currently in development of two games which we intend to release sometime next year. I am very proud of what I am achieving and I am very certain that this is my purpose in life. Game design gives me incredible joy and happiness and drives me to better myself and others everyday.

Last year I met one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life. She is the spitting image of everything I look for physically and emotionally in a women, and further more we have the chemistry, values, beliefs, and similar career goals. She inspires me and drives me to be a better person everyday. We met in our game design class and it was an instant attraction. We are not like other game designers in our major, and that has been obvious to most of our friends. There is of course one major problem, of course there would be right!? She has been in a six year long relationship with a guy she met when she was 15. Needless to say I didn’t let this deter me from expressing my feelings towards her. I never held out much of anything coming from it, I just felt that expressing my truth was important. I just wanted to appreciate her while she was around me. I like to wear my heart on my sleeve. For now on I am going to refer to this woman as “new girl”

New girl was very appreciative, even reciprocative, however she made it clear she wasn’t breaking up with her boyfriend anytime soon. I didn’t trust this answer however, mostly because of the way she continued to flirt with me and give me signs that she wasn’t happy in her relationship. This lack of trust in her words and her actions started to confuse me. I didn’t trust myself. I started feeling old feelings of doubt, insecurity, and lack of trust in my own actions whenever I thought of her, however whenever I was around her these feelings dissipated.I worried that I may become attached in a way that was similar to how I was with a former girlfriend. I was starting to lose my inner cool, though I never let on to.

Either way I kept focusing on my purpose and mission, and I even started my own company with my best friend! But low and behold as these feelings kept increasing an old face reappeared in my life, my ex. At this time I was still under the delusion that I was truly in love with this woman even though every time I had tried reigniting something with her it failed miserably. I told her of new girl and she was very interested (for the wrong reasons). She of course was feeling some sense of jealously over this new found relationship which seemed healthier than the one we posed. She began to spin a web of attraction which I now realize I fell into because I was feeling those aforementioned negative feelings. I was scared of new girl. I fell into the trap hook line and sinker and started distancing myself from new girl.

Of course new girl sensed that I was growing distant and started flirting with me more regularly and made her self more vulnerable around me. At points alluding to how “I should just take what I want”..ie her. This drove me nuts, I didn’t know what to believe. I didn’t trust her at all. But I was going to fix things with my ex and it was going to be perfect..right?!?… I told new girl this and she was very unsupportive of the idea, but believed I should do what makes me happy….And I did…and it was awful!

I spent the next month or two blowing off new girl and border line rejecting her. However she maintained positivity around me, and was still very interested in me. As for the ex, the experience was an eye opener. I realized that my attachement to her was not true love it was a selfish and ego based love. An anxious attachment that had me fantasizing about a relationship that could never be and so therefore I was completely ignoring the mess of a relationship we had. When I was with her I thought in terms of absolutes and the thought of her leaving scared me. I didn’t want her to be with anyone else. I’d like to think I learned my lesson from that blowing up in my face.

Needless to say I was sort of defeated by the experience of dealing with my ex, but new girl came by my side and continued to talk to me. It was less flirty now but more honest. I learned new things about her. Her flaws, her regrets, her desires, her hopes, her dreams, and how her relationship with her boyfriend was. I felt I could trust her a little more, but the situation with her current relationship still gave me pause. I decided I was going to date around and keep close to her and see what would come of it. I started to feel very warm towards her.

A month goes by and I am dating a 37 old woman! yeah I am not sure how I was able to pull in such a mature woman myself, but it was a wonderful and giving relationship, however not sustainable. It lasted all but 4 months. We were different people, and once the novelty of dating a mature woman wore off I started losing interest. However of course New Girl was always there. She knew I was dating another woman, and we openly discussed the dynamics of the relationship. She was proud that I was feeling secure in my life and where I was going. But there was more feelings she started sharing, she started divulging just how much she felt for me not only romantically, but how she felt towards me sexually. We have always had discussions about sex, and we seemed sexually compatible, but neither one of us openly discussed how we fantasied about each other. Now she was.

I felt guilty for talking to her while I was dating another woman. I like to give my partners full attention, so with all of the above considered I ended things with my mature lover. I wasn’t expecting New Girl to leave her partner for me then, but it was the right thing for me to do in my mind so I did it. I let her know what I had done and that if we were going to move this forward she needed to end things with her current relationship. She wasn’t exactly happy at my ultimatum but understood.

Anyway while all of this romantic crap is going on my company is expanding! We didn’t complete our first project, however. We failed but gained new members and a lot of experience. We bit off more than we could chew for our first project with another developer, so we decided to make something smaller, more elegant and could be produced cheaply..that something was going to bring me closer to new girl in more interesting ways.

Her and I were working on a game in class that everyone loved, and more importantly we both loved. It was simple, elegant and was the perfect game for what my company was looking for. We had created games together before and they were always fun and interesting, but this one seemed like it was worth something. I started noticing new girl was becoming quite the leader and producer. I was so proud to watch her grow from someone who was very unsure of her skills into someone who was really gaining a lot of confidence. I made recommendation that we should make our little game into a commercial game with my company with her as the producer and me as the designer. She agreed and we built a team! We are still working on the game to this day and its grown so much since our first conception! It really has a life of its own and we both deeply love it.

However our relationship didn’t stop growing either. Now that we were alone with each other and didn’t have to hide, the flames really intensified. I learned more about her relationship with her boyfriend and the deep trust issues they both have with each other. I learned about their past and how they started with infidelity (she had cheated on her ex to be with him and he then later cheated on her). She told me how their relationship was marred with jealousy and mistrust and how her boyfriend was no longer pursuing his dream of making music. Her boyfriend was very mistrustful of her and overly preoccupied with her remaining loyal. He would constantly check her location and every time she went to another guys house say for a school project he would question her. To me this reeks of insecurity and thoughts of unworthiness. I knew new girl flirted and was very attractive, but most men were far too intimated by her to make any real approaches so I felt that this reaction from him was rather unwarranted.

I was still a little mistrustful of her at this time, but I was willing to understand her and try to keep things at a safe distance. I kept telling myself that I should hold true to what I said to her which was that if we wanted to advance this she ought to end it with her current relationship. However the attraction was too much for me, and consequently her. She let me know that her boyfriend wasn’t fulfilling her sexual or emotional needs anymore. This set us on a crash course into each other. We first made out at my place when we were discussing tasks for our game. It was very passionate and intense. However she set boundaries in our interaction. When I went to grope her she pushed me away, but continued to make out. I guess she wanted a taste, but not the full thing. Afterwards she made it clear that it was our secret and that I was not to let anyone know.

I started having very large moral issues about the situation. I was very conflicted by what I had done. I continued to press the idea that if she was feeling what she was feeling that she sort things out with her boyfriend. She was very conflicted by the idea of leaving her boyfriend. On one had she was tired of being with him and his controlling nature, that while acceptable in certain lights often left her lonely and unfulfilled, but on the other hand she had been with him for so long and he was basically a part of her family and consequently she was part of his. It wasn’t the last time we were going to interact that way.

Ultimately she ended up giving me head in the back of my car after I put up a failed resistance to seeing her alone like that again. At this point I sort of let the game we were making fall a little bit by the waist side. I was too enthralled with our drama to really focus on anything else. My failing I know. At this point the line had been broken for me and now I was willing to go the distance. It was just sex right? I should have held my ground and anticipated what was going to happen next. Of course we arranged to meet again, and with talks of sex I thought things were going to lead in that direction. I was surprised to instead have a conversation about how she had fixed things with her boyfriend and that she was going to focus on that. This hurt me, but not because she was focusing on her boyfriend, but because I realized my mistake. I preferred her trying to fix things with her boyfriend and come to me when she was sure of what she wanted. She professed that she still wanted to see me and have sex with me, but this didn’t stay true for long.

It became clear that they had rekindled what was lost and that I was out of the picture and our relationship was to be professional. This fact hurt, because my feelings for her were at a peak, and I had no way to give them. We stoped talking and I slip into a bit of a depression.

However I was determined to overcome it. I went out dated again, set new goals, and focused purely on my future and our game. It was needed. In that time I achieved a lot! However.. I felt guilt over my feelings I still had for her. I tried to so hard to let her go in my mind, but the harder I tried the more I felt for her. I realized there was no letting go of this in the traditional way. I felt there was only one thing I could do, given in to these feelings and express them in ways that manifested positive energy. I kept encouraging and motivating her to be the best she could. I did as she did for me when I went back to my shitty relationship. I refuse to let bitterness ruin our project or our relationship.

That was five months ago, and we are now looking like we are going to be very successful with our game, our relationship hasn’t suffered, but it has become more distant in certain areas. I can tell she holding back and she tries not to make herself too vulnerable around me. I still hold out that I could be with her, and there is some hope to that end though this time I only want her if she is going to be sure of what she wants.

Her relationship seems more mistrustful than ever, with her boyfriend is still watching her every move. I am still having a hard time recreating what we had and maybe that is to be expected. I am however more interested and focused on my purpose and goals than ever. I try to remain open to the future whatever it holds. I feel that anything is possible when we are together and I am so proud to stand next to her and to know that together we are living our dream. I want her to be happy, and to live the beautiful life I know she deserves even if that means I am not involved beyond this project. I know I will ultimately find my way and I am very confident in my ability to succeed at what I want to in life. I just hope one day I may be able to share just how much she meant to me. I do believe I love her, and I hope to tell her one day when the moment is right.

I guess I needed to write this out and see it visually. I’d love to hear what this community has to say about this situation.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Alpharay.