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I was molested but I can’t love myself because of my past

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  • #367885
    Jadwiga
    Participant

    This is fucking weird. And it is horrible too. But I need guidance here. If it makes you disgusted, please click off.

    My sister committed horrible acts on me, when I was a minor and they were 21. I don’t want to go into detail, but I will say that what they did was definitely molestation. The thing is however, is that I’m not telling on her is because my dad said the only reason he lives is because of my sister and me. He has a bad mental state. I am fearing he may kill himself or just outright not believe me if I tell on her. I don’t want him to know that someone he raised for 21 years is a pedophile.

    I tried confronting my sister about this but she completely denied what had happened and tried to shift the blame onto me and twisted parts of the story in her favor and won’t answer questions about what she did. She is absolutely suspicious, and there’s no excuse for what she did. She did not tell the truth. For context, I did not realize it was molestation and she was lying and my memories weren’t deceiving me until a month after this conversation when I recovered from a deep depression. What makes it worse is that I still live in the same house as her.

    However I did take photos of her either before or after the molestation incident. Without asking her. In all of the photos she was fully clothed except for one where you could see a slight bit of her underwear. She still molested me but I don’t know what to tell my brain since I tend to feel sympathy for people even if they’ve wronged me. That makes me feel bad. I’m a minor and I can’t consent to anything sexual with my sister and she nonetheless took advantage of me. I don’t want to apologize to my sister for this but I believe it would warrant apology if it were someone else.

    And I did dry hump my mom for a somewhere around a few seconds when I was around 9-10 years old not knowing that it was bad. My mom said she didn’t like what I did but she forgives me for all of my past mistakes since I was still a kid and I wouldn’t do it again but this makes me very uneasy thinking about it. This makes me think that I’m no longer a victim because of the things I did. I don’t know what to tell my brain as it’s going all over the place. I seriously don’t want to think of myself as a rapist and in the same category as my pedophile sister.

    My parents fought all the time. My family was always divided. I never really could experience a real family. My mom and my dad love me, but they hate each other. My mom and my dad love my sister but they don’t know that she secretly hates them.

    I am sure a lot of you grew up with a good, innocent childhood where you were showered with love and you wouldn’t ever think about doing half of the stuff I’ve done. Just please don’t insult me for what happened, because at this point I can’t take it. Everything here is the absolute truth. Not a single lie was told here, and I don’t have a reason to lie as I wouldn’t want false sympathy. I’m not attempting to guilt trip any of you, I gave all of these details so you can understand me.

    What do I do?

    #367889
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jadwiga:

    Do not worry: I will not insult you, not in this post, not in any future post to you, I will not express any doubt about you telling the truth, I will not ask you for details about your molestation, and I will not give you the false sympathy. I do not feel guilt-tripped by you, and I am not one of those fortunate people who had an “innocent childhood.. showered with love”.

    You shared that you are a minor, living with your parents and with your adult sister. Your parents have hated each other and fought all the time, your family was “always divided”, and you “never really could experience a real family”.

    Your sister has secretly hated your parents, and at 21, while you were a younger minor, she “committed horrible acts” on you, “definitely molestation”. You referred to her as “a pedophile” for what she did to you.

    At the time of the molestation, you didn’t realize it was molestation, and you took photos of her without her knowledge before or after the molestation incident, one showed a bit of her underwear. You later realized that indeed, it was molestation, confronted her, and she denied it, lied, and tried to shift the blame to you.

    You wrote that you “feel sympathy for people even if they’ve wronged me”- I assume you are referring to feeling sympathy for your sister, and if I understand correctly, you feel guilty for having taken photos of her without her consent.

    You shared that at the age of 9 or 10, you “dry hump(ed)” your mother for a few seconds, “not knowing that it was bad”. Your mother forgave you for all of your “past mistakes since I was still a kid and I wouldn’t do it again”, but nonetheless, you feel “very uneasy thinking about it”. It makes you think that you are “no longer a victim because of the things I did”, and you don’t want to think of yourself  “as a rapist and in the same category as my pedophile sister”.

    Your father is in a bad mental state. He said that the only reason he lives is because of you and your sister. You don’t want to tell him about the molestation because you are afraid that he will not believe you, or that if he believes you, he will kill himself over having raised your sister, a pedophile.

    My input today:

    1. If I understand correctly, you are no longer at risk of being molested by your sister (?) It is important that any and all children will be protected from your sister, that she will not be allowed to spend time alone with other children. If it takes telling any one of your parents about the molestation so that they will protect other children, it is necessary that you do indeed tell any one of them, or both.

    2. I understand you feeling sympathy for your sister at times. I felt intense sympathy for my mother, for the longest time, even though she hurt me badly. Regardless of that sympathy, I hope you hold your sister accountable for the wrong she inflicted on you, especially it being that she was an adult when she wronged you.

    3. The fact that you dry humped your mother for a few seconds when you were 9 or 10, and your mother was in her thirties or forties, on an impulse of sort, does not change the fact that you were your sister’s victim when your sister, as an adult, molested you (a child), and later denied it and tried to shift the blame to you. What you did to your mother was inappropriate, but it was not a molestation, nor was it a rape.

    Regarding you taking photos of your sister without her consent before or after she molested you (without your consent!!!)- I don’t see a valid reason for your guilty feelings on the matter.

    4. Your parents hating each other and fighting a lot; your father being in a bad mental state, talking to his children about taking his own life- all that created a damaging home environment for your sister and you; a chaotic, unsafe, unfair environment for any child. Damaged people tend to proceed and damage others. This is not an excuse for your sister having molested you, and she indeed should be held accountable and suffer some consequences for what she did.

    Post again if you want to. I would like to read  more about your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

     

     

    #367890
    Jadwiga
    Participant

    I don’t have any proof of what happened, Anita. I just told one of my parents that I was sexually abused and they said they believed me but I didn’t say who did it despite them asking.

    And about 3, how was it not molestation/rape? I don’t know if dry humping was even the right word however, since my memory of that event is fuzzy. It could’ve actually not have been dry humping, but I do remember that

    About 4, how would I tell my parents what my sister did to me? My dad never said publicly he’d kill himself, but all what he said was “I live for you and your sister.” What if she tries to shift the blame onto me?

    #367891
    Jadwiga
    Participant

    I clicked send way too fast, please delete the message I posted on October 16th 2020 at 12:25 PM.

    I don’t have any proof of what happened, Anita. I just told one of my parents that I was sexually abused and they said they believed me but I didn’t say who did it despite them asking.

    For 1 I will confirm my sister has stopped.

    And about 3, how was it not molestation/rape? I don’t know if dry humping was even the right word however, since my memory of that event is fuzzy. It could’ve actually not have been dry humping and my memories might be distorted.

    About 4, how would I tell my parents what my sister did to me? My dad never said publicly he’d kill himself, but all what he said was “I live for you and your sister.” What if she tries to shift the blame onto me again, but rather infront of her? They’re entitled to believe me and their daughter.

    #367896
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jadwiga:

    I am not able to delete your second post (I am a member here, just like you). It doesn’t seem to me like a problem, that you repeated yourself in the third post.

    It didn’t occur to me earlier, but seems to me that best would be for you to talk to a school counselor about the molestation; ask a mental health professional within school or in the community where you live for help and guidance as to what to do  next.

    “I don’t have proof of what happened”- you need proof only in a court of law. Your memories are proof enough here, on your thread.

    “I will confirm my sister has stopped”- good. But keep your eyes open if/ when she spends time with a child, and again- consult with a health professional on the matter.

    “how was it not molestation/ rape?”- I am not sure I understand: was your mother asleep at the time you moved your body against hers?

    anita

     

    #367898
    Jadwiga
    Participant

    I asked my mother about what happened after me and you had talked. Turns out, I have extremely distorted memories most likely from my trauma because she doesn’t recall me trying anything bad on her. And I know her well, and she would most definitely remember something like this happening to her. It could’ve been a dream that I remembered and thought was real or something or I remembered something wrong. It’s extremely likely that I made up this memory because it only really came up when I remembered this molestation stuff. Even at a very young age, I still would’ve remembered it and realized it was bad so it doesn’t exactly make sense. It doesn’t make sense that I would dry hump her that early on in my life either. This is a massive relief.

    Also, when I said that she forgave me what I meant was that I came up to her today and I started crying and I asked if she forgave me for my past mistakes. She said yes.

    So I have a massive relief right now. Thank you so much for talking to me.

    #367899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jadwiga:

    You are welcome. I am so glad to read that you are experiencing a massive relief, so very glad. From personal experience, we can dream and believe what we dreamed actually happened. I dreamed once, as a child, or a teenager,  that I flew like a bird. It felt so real that for the longest time I had a hard time believing it did not happen.

    Post again anytime you want to, if you do.

    anita

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