I know, it seems rather excessive, or even an ungodly amount. It almost sounds imaginary. Yes, I indeed have had over forty jobs. 44 to be exact. But here’s somewhat of a backstory.

I am 29 years old, I’m married to the love of my life, and we have 3 beautiful kids together. My wife has done nothing but support me, even if there were times (and believe me, there has been MANY) where she should’ve, could’ve and would’ve walked away. I dealt with a lot of traumatic events as a child, to which many they have not been confronted nor overcome. I dealt with drug addiction and alcoholism, abandonment, self-isolation, suicidal thoughts and one attempt, anger issues, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so much more. I have not sought any kind of help or counsel. Honestly, even if I did, I couldn’t force myself to commit to it. I definitely don’t want to medicate as I’m afraid I would become far too dependent on it.

Back to the task at hand. I had gotten I security job at a big film manufacturer where I live, and I thought for sure this was the field for me as far as a career was concerned. I made an attempt to end it all, after only being there 9 months or so. I got another job shortly after, working in a factory producing baby toys. I got hit in the face with an automated sliding door, and before long I quit there as well. Actually, I quit the first day. I worked in a restaurant for 2 years, and it closed when I was 21. I worked at that point 5 jobs in total. Yes, I skipped a couple because this story would carry on for days if I listed every single one. Regardless, I’ve worked in security, food, manufacturing, construction, automotive, road safety, maintenance, and order fulfillment. 44 jobs. All in my 11 year working history. Jobs that most people pray for, because of the job security, benefits, and most importantly, the pay. There were times I was bringing in 4 figure paychecks every week, grossing nearly 10k monthly. Whether the job was 8 hours or 12, I would quit for no real reason. As soon as I become uncomfortable, or unsatisfied with my progress, I’ll quit. I’ve been at my current job for almost a week, and I’m dreading going to work in the morning. I do not mind back breaking labor, or long days, or even extremely difficult days, I just can’t seem to stay committed to one job. I can’t stand temp work because of the uncertainty (I know, how ironic) not to mention, I want a constant paycheck. But how am I to succeed if I cannot commit to one job? I worked at a box factory, with one of my mom’s lifelong friends earlier this year. He was telling me he worked there for over 30 YEARS! How? How do you find the motivation to go to such a boring job? How do you stay dedicated when you do the exact same thing for 30 years? Why is this such a difficult situation for my brain to wrap itself around? I will never talk down on someone for providing for their family, in any way shape or form. But how can I fix this?

How do I fix this? I am literally financially crippling my family with my uncertainty. I cannot be a provider if I cannot provide my family with the safety and security of “Dad will always find a way to take care of us.”

I know I sound horrible, lazy, and unreliable. I want to work, I want to succeed, I want to have a name my kids aren’t ashamed to be associated with. I want my wife to be able to tell everyone her husband is a hardworking man. I want them all to be proud of me. But I truly fear I am broken. I feel like a failure and a burden. I don’t know what to do, or how to stop this insanity in my life. Can anyone else relate? Would anyone even want to relate to such a ridiculous truth? Please, if anyone can give me some insight, I would truly be appreciative. I know I jumped all over the place, but this is a lot to unpack.