My name is Thais and I’m from Brazil. When I first met tinny Buddha, I found heaven . Everything I need to be told is here. That’s why I’m writing to ask for some advices and help even knowing that my English isn’t perfect, so apologizes for my grammar errors lol.
I’m 20 years old and at the moment I’m in college and also work 9 to 5. I’ve been feeling depressed ever since I know myself. Never free, never happy, never being only myself. I feel inadequate at everything and with everyone.

My teenage years were horrible. No fun at all. Only insecurities and bullying suffering at school. Since my thirteen years old I live in a mental prison that I just can’t take it anymore. I have anxiety problems, had depression for years and panic attacks since 15. I do therapy about two years but it seems like doesn’t work anymore. I also took anxiety medicines for some time, but gave me a awful side effect: insomnia. And then, I took 4 pills at one time in a desperate moment, so my psychologist thought it was better I stopped with the medicine.

All I feel is that I don’t exist. I’m afraid of everything. Afraid of going out, of seeing people, of people see me, ashamed of myself, of the way I walk , the way I talk, I dress, even the way I breathe! I’m desperate! I hate myself so, so much. I just can’t see any good in me. And in the deep of my heart I know I have good things but I never could externalize or be thankful for it. I hide myself from everything and everyone.
I’m so confused. People in my job likes me; people say I’m so beautiful and these stuffs, but doesn’t help at all. I don’t really feel anything for me. It is like I “erase me” from myself. I don’t know what I want. I don’t do anything for me. I am just a doll. Someone who hides herself behind heavy makeup, fake smile and stilettos, but is about to explode anytime.
This oppression is getting so big that I’m feeling all kinds of pain in my body. Headache, backache, my hands shakes all the time. Sometimes I lost control of my thoughts when I’m talking to someone and suddenly don’t know what to say or mix up the things. As a consequence, I can’t work or study anymore with any quality or efficiency.

Because of panic attacks and a high level anxiety I don’t have social life. my friends are all superficial and fake. I am the friend who’s there when they don’t have anyone or need a “ear” to hear all their problems. I’ve never been in a relationship before. I feel so awful because I’m still virgin (lol) at this age and I feel like I will never be able to love and be loved by anyone!! I feel so empty.

I’ve tried to open up more to people but I always get disappointed in the end. I think I expect to much on people. Too much trust, too much friendship.

I’m sorry for so much negativism, but that’s exactly the way I feel. I can’t stand myself anymore.
I’m afraid I’m losing control of my life. Actually, guess I’ve really never been in control of my life.
At this very moment I’m writing from work. Just to imagine how disturbed I am.

Now I can realize I’m full of hate, hurt and pain of rejection. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t change the way I think. I try everyday but I just don’t have energy or strenght anymore.

Please give me some light, some word of love, some method you already used to change if you went through this kind of situation. Thank you so much!