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I'm having a difficult time of letting go of my feelings for my best friend

HomeForumsRelationshipsI'm having a difficult time of letting go of my feelings for my best friend

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 58 total)
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  • #154828
    Cloud
    Participant

    Anita, you’re completely correct!

    That is exactly what I am going through at the moment. She and i have discussed this few months ago and she understands now that I need to move on and only be just friends do to distance and niether is ready to commit themselves in a relationship.

    #154862
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    She understands now that you need to move on and only be friends… does this mean that you no longer plan to fly and see her in the country she is in?

    anita

     

    #154868
    Cloud
    Participant

    No, she knows I’m still visiting her. I still want to meet the person that help me move on from my ex friend. And she is still wanting to see me. Even though I still have these feelings for her thats the struggle I’m dealing with on my own.

    #154870
    Cloud
    Participant

    If she wants more she has to tell me, she knows how I feel about her and the whole situation. I’m open and honest with her, we still talk and there for each other like good close friends.

    #154884
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    It is my understanding then, that you are unsure: on one hand you want to move on  (“she understands now that I need to move on and only be just friends do to distance and neither is ready to commit themselves in a relationship”) and on the other hand, you will be visiting her hoping that during the visit you and her will develop a romantic/ physically intimate relationship, at least during the visit. And take it from there, correct?

    If this is correct, make sure she knows of your conflicting motivations before you travel, the two conflicting motivations are:

    1. To move on, be friends with her and meet another woman, locally,  for a romantic/ physically intimate relationship.

    2. To visit her hoping she and you will have a romantic/ physically intimate relationship during the visit, and take it from there.

    anita

     

    #155262
    Cloud
    Participant

    The first is a given because of were we left it off that us both agreed to be only friends. I wanted to tell her how I felt, since she is a huge part of my life and was wanting to be in my life. She was the one that made the effort to stay in touch with me, she was always there for me even though I avoided people due to my heart break last year. She had every right to know of my unresolved feelings for her, I just didnt expect her reply telling me we could have a future together. Giving me that hope made me feel like she was telling me because she didn’t want to let me down. But she told me many times whenever I asked (I was afraid she was leading me on just like my ex friend did) she was being honest with her words and will never hurt me.
    She truly deeply cares for me yet is unsure how we are together in person. We could be great friends and develop a sisterly bond or we could develop a romantic bond. Who knows.
    Like I said before, if she wants more she’ll need to tell me. The ball is in her court now.
    All i am doing for myself is to stay focus on my life here, I’ll always have that love for her and will cherish it even if I met someone else.
    At this moment of my life I have no desire to seek for love, I am keeping myself open for the possibility with anyone. But I know what I need to do is meet her, my love for her is strong and I want to know what is going on between us in person. I’m not expecting anything from her, only her honesty and friendship. I’m just going to be me and spend time with the woman I dearly love romantically and friendship.

    #155270
    Cloud
    Participant

    If romantic feelings do happen then it’ll be a struggle for me because I can’t stand the distance. If we are fully committed then I may have to move to her country. That is a hug step for the both of us!

    #155280
    Cloud
    Participant

    I am secretly holding on to that “hope” even though I told her “I need to let go of that hope you’ve given me. To me it felt like a fantasy, I have to move on so i can focus on myself.” I met her before I broke it off with my ex best friend. For 16 years my hope of being with my ex best friend in a romantic relationship was difficult to let go when she kept showing signs that she wanted me to stay while I was trying to move on. She kept me close due to her own selfish needs, I foolishly fell for it everytime. Until she suddenly stopped talking to me, when I confronted my ex best friend about this she just flat out said to me “Friends grow apart” “You stopped giving in the effort” I realized she was jealous of my long distance friend. I had to end it cause she always was jealous of anyone who was close to me. Men or women. I have trust issues and fear of being in unrequited love again. So if this new close friend of mine wants to be more with me then she must be patience, go slow and tell me she wants to be more than friends. Yes, I have talked to her about this in full detail.

    #155324
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    I think I understand. You are secretly holding on to hope. You are prepared for nothing more than friendship once you visit her, during the visit and afterwards. You prepared both of you for that, it being friendship only. You didn’t put any pressure on her. Unselfishly, you are hoping. I write unselfishly, because there is no pressure on her.

    It will be interesting, this visit you are planning. I suppose there is no pressure on you either, no expectations on either side. No expectations- no pressure. And I suppose you can handle that hope that you do have, and the visit can be a positive experience for you either way, friendship alone, or friendship and a love relationship.

    anita

    #155352
    Cloud
    Participant

    @NewLife123 said:
    Dear Cloud:

    I think I understand. You are secretly holding on to hope. You are prepared for nothing more than friendship once you visit her, during the visit and afterwards. You prepared both of you for that, it being friendship only. You didn’t put any pressure on her. Unselfishly, you are hoping. I write unselfishly, because there is no pressure on her.

    It will be interesting, this visit you are planning. I suppose there is no pressure on you either, no expectations on either side. No expectations- no pressure. And I suppose you can handle that hope that you do have, and the visit can be a positive experience for you either way, friendship alone, or friendship and a love relationship.

    anita

    #155498
    Cloud
    Participant

    Sorry for the late reply.

    I had some technical difficulties that it wouldn’t let me text my reply.

     

    It took me a few months to actually come out and tell her how I felt. I had to think about it, get into tune within myself if I really felt that way toward her. It wasnt a crush anymore, I actually fell in love with her. I fell for her for who she, for being there for me and truly caring for me from afar. Something I’ve never experienced in my whole life, someone who really wanted to help me through my heartache who wanted to be there to support and encourage me. I didnt expect her to give me that “hope” cause I assumed she was straight and since distance is a issue I didn’t think she’ll give me that answer. when she explained to me she is open to date whomever (when she ready for a relationship) gender is no issue to her. I took that as account even though I still feared she may only want me for attention. Yet, as time went on I see us grow as wonderful close long distance friends. That I truly cherished!
    I only want friendship first, slowly ease into a relationship with someone. She told me “If we both we felt the same way. We could have a relationship in the future.” She kept telling me this whenever I brought it up last year (I’d talked to her about this a couple of times) My anxiety took the best of me, I was worried she would only want me for attention which is why I had to bring it up with her. I have trust issues, if anyone is too nice to me or go out of their way for me. I’ll question those actions. I kept thinking that person wants something from me.
    That being said, it applies to anyone who’ll be interested in me not only her.
    Few months back I did talk to a therapist for two months, I have overcome my fears yet I still struggle sometimes cause I just don’t want to get my hopes up.
    I wish I can drive over to her place, hang out, be with my best friend. It’s also hurts when she isn’t quite herself (sick or having a bad day) I wish I can do more in person than text her or send gifts. It hurts that I still have these feelings for her, I want to discuss this with her. But we’ve already talked about this many times. I can’t tell her anymore cause it already settled. If I mention this again she may just say what she said before or say “I thought we are only friends?”. I want to talk to her about this cause she is the person i’ll go to whenever i have alot on my mind. She keeps me calm and at ease when my anxiety and worries go over board. I just have to live with this, live my life. I do try to get out there to meet people to make more friends but I mainly make acquaintances hardly any close friends. It’s hard to trust people since my break up. I can trust her to never hurt me, it’s just I dont know if I’ll ever move on until we actually meet up to see how our chemistry is in person.

    #155510
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cloud:

    You wrote that you never experienced “someone who really wanted to help me through my heartache who wanted to be there to support and encourage me” and that “if anyone is too nice to me or go out of their way for me. I’ll question those actions. I kept thinking that person wants something from me”-

    This experience and fear/ mistrust makes relationships, be it friends or girlfriends very difficult to form, not to mention, maintain. You experienced hurt, neglect, in the past, before the ex friend, and you learned to distrust, that you are not safe with people. It is an understanding learning because it was your real experience.

    And it is true that there are many people out there who are not trustworthy. There is no way around the need to trust a trustworthy person, not just anyone. Like you wrote, you already had the talks with your current friend, and there is no way to further calm your fears, not in  a lasting way. The anxiety, that is something you will have to live with, manage best you can while making best choices you can.

    Your friend expressed to you that she is open to having a relationship with either gender. She expressed to you that a girlfriend/girlfriend relationship with you in the future is possible. These are encouraging statements. I understand your motivation to visit her and I think it is a good choice for you, to visit her, if you can afford the trip.

    You wrote that you saw a therapist- would you like to share what you learned about your anxiety, did she teach you ways to manage it, deal with it… are you practicing such ways, currently?

    anita

    #155540
    Cloud
    Participant

    My therapist has taught, explained and encouraged me through out the therapy sessions that lead me a more understanding of why I’d carried those fears of being  neglected and mistreated for 16 years by my ex best friend. My ex took advantage of my love for her because she herself is/was a lonely person. She wasn’t close to anyone but me. She was selfish and careless of my own feelings for her cause she wanted the attention even though she had no interest in me whatsoever.

    My ex and i grew up together, we both relied on each others needs when in actuality we were both of us are toxic. She wanted my full attention when she craved it and I wanted love from her cause I’d care for her and loved her. I became obsessed with trying to please her to  receive the love I wanted from her platonically and romantically. My ex was my first love (per say), I never experienced romantic feelings before and she was my first and I realized at the time I was coming out to be a lesbian. It was difficult and scary to expect my own sexuality because I never thought I am gay and I hated myself for not loving myself for who I am do to society and growing up in a  religious  home. It took time for me to expect myself fully before coming out to my loved ones. I didnt come out until i was 27 after befriending my first gay friends few years back. I don’t have that many close friends only the ones I grew up with and my ex was one of them.

    When I explained my life to my current friend last year and the heartache. She was willing to be by my side everyday while I just wanted to be left alone. I didnt understand why she wanted me in her life when we are miles apart. I let her in yet I was still afraid she’ll break my heart like my ex and many other past friends that took advantage of my friendship. As time went on I realized my current friend has no intentions to ever take advantage of me but to be my long distance friend. So i eventually took her in by letting her in my life.

    As of now, I want her in my life forever and I want to meet this young woman in person who helped me move on from my past. I’m not expecting anything from her only her true friendship. It’ll hurt me the most if she was using me more than not wanting a relationship with me. All i ever want is true friendship, romantic relationships is on my mind on the other hand I just want people who love me for me in my life more than anything.

    #155546
    Cloud
    Participant

    I’m demisexual, asexual, homoromantic. I do want a relationship in the future but I want a strong platonic relationship first before becoming romantically involve. The thought of being romantic and sexually active makes me nervous. My ex best friend use to tease and flirt and be  physical toward me even when I asked her to stop she still continued. So if someone treats me in that way I’ll overthink their actions that they are using me. If someone wants to be close to me physically then that said person must understand what I’ve been through for me to trust them enough to be that close to me. I’m a virgin, I don’t care if I die as one. As long as I know what true love is and experience that love. It is enough for me. If my current friend developed feelings for me then she must take it slow and be patience. This what I have to live with my fear of being lead on, so if anyone wants to be with me romantically they must understand what I’ve been through. I’m too afraid to go further with anyone. So making friends is all I can do, I don’t know how to be physically romantic or romantic in general I only know how to treat people right. And yes I will shower gifts to my close friends cause that is how I show love. And being their for them no matter what.

    #155548
    Cloud
    Participant

    I know I must move on with my feelings for my current friend, but it’s hard cause it isn’t easy for me to develop feelings for someone else when she is always on my mind. I do keep the distance for my own self cause I don’t want to come off needy. I love it that she will reply back and be honest with me. But I can’t expect anything from her, if she wants to be in my life so be it if she wants to stay single and be ready to date when she is ready so be it. All I can do is be her long distance friend.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 58 total)

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