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I'm in a new relationship but still miss my Ex terribly :(

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  • March 29, 2016 at 1:34 pm #100408
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear David:’

    The “something” your ex girlfriend may have is the very fact that she was intense at the beginning of the relationship with you and then she withdrew. That “something” about her may be just this, and nothing more.

    Maybe one of your parents was emotionally distant. There were moment he or she expressed love for you but for too long periods of time, that parent was distance. Oh, how intensely did you crave that he/ she will love you again.

    This is the same kind of craving, and there is nothing more intense than a child’s desire to earn back the parent’s love.

    What do you think?

    anita

    March 29, 2016 at 3:31 pm #100424
    El
    Participant

    One thing you need to keep in mind is that you can get past this. The reason why you’re like this is because you got out of an intense devastating relationship. She caused a lot of turmoil in your life and it caused a lot of damage to your self-esteem believe it or not.

    I would not tell your current girlfriend. If she is not worth losing, don’t put yourself at risk of losing her. That will be your biggest regret.

    The problem is, you never exactly got your closure. Which is okay, you’ll eventually move past that when you’re ready. You need to give yourself time. Trust me, you will forget about this girl. You can’t freak out over missing her. She was a part of your life for 2 years. You know shell do the same to this guy, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

    March 30, 2016 at 10:59 am #100492
    David
    Participant

    Thank you for your replies. I think that might be the point, Anita. Actually both my parents were very distant emotionally. They were fighting all the time and I’ve never really seen them being affectionate for each other. I may not even realize this, but there might be something familiar in pattern of chasing unattainable love. Maybe that’s why I have such strong feelings for my ex.

    It wears me out.. I spend fantastic time with my girlfriend, and then I come back to my empty apartment and nostalgia takes my mind. During these times my ex is the only person on Earth, I’m thinking about.

    El, I think your right in that point. She caused a lot of damage to my self-esteem.I remember the first time she dumped me for another guy. I was questioning totally everything about myself

    March 30, 2016 at 11:18 am #100494
    David
    Participant

    At the same time I cannot even evoke in myself feelings of anger towards my ex for making me feel so low. I tend to think about her as a victim of her own difficult childhood. Just like me, she suffers from depression. Sometimes it’s stroneger, sometimes it almost completely wanes, but it’s always there.. and she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature.

    March 30, 2016 at 2:21 pm #100511
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear David:

    It is termed the “repetition compulsion”- you want to find love in a situation that is a repetition of that in which you grew up. Your compulsion, almost irresistible urge, is to be loved by a woman like your mother/ father who doesn’t love you. Insane, isn’t it?

    It is a shame if you lose a woman who does love you. Perhaps you can attend good, short term psychotherapy, at the least, so that you to accept and process that pain of having been unloved growing up and so that you will be available for love that is attainable and no longer pursue love where it is not.

    Your ex girlfriend as depressed as she may be, as much as you would like to… fix her (?) so that she will love you (repetition compulsion) that is very unlikely going to work for the same reason you couldn’t fix a parent so that he or she would love you. It just can’t be done, impossible.

    Fixing yourself is going to be hard enough, but at least it is possible.

    No matter how strong your pull toward your on and off again ex, like a moth to fire, resist and turn toward love.

    anita

    March 1, 2017 at 4:56 am #131881
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Hi David,

    I am curious to know how you are getting on know with this? Have you made progress and are you still with the current partner? Your story is almost identical to what i have been going through. I dated someone for 6 months which she ended a year ago and i am still struggling with some cravings to try and go and talk to the ex even though she has made no effort to approach me at any point. We have had the odd text on her birthday but that was it. I am in a new relationship for last 6 months and similar to you she is prettier, more understanding and we get along much better but i just struggle to get rid of these thoughts of wanting to try and resolve the past.

    Any advice or tips on how you have coped. I have just started some counselling sessions to try and be more mindful with my thinking patterns.

    March 1, 2017 at 9:29 am #131917
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear lukesblues: I hope the Original Poster of this thread will answer you (last posting on the thread is 11 months ago). If you would like input by other members, start your own thread: click FORUMS, then CATEGORY, choose one (RELATIONSHIPS), click that, scroll down the page. You can copy (some of) the above and paste it there.
    anita

    March 3, 2017 at 4:03 pm #135399
    David
    Participant

    @lukesblues

    There are days when I almost not think about her at all, and on the other days I suffer overwhelming anxiety related to my unresolved past with this girl. I really doubt if I had made ANY progress during last 11 months…

    March 3, 2017 at 11:44 pm #135755
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    Hi David thanks for getting back to me. It is frustrating when you want to move on from this past relationship. Can i ask are you still with your current girlfriend?

    Anita made a good point to me when i admitted i have a trait to want to fix things in general anf because of this i am trying to fix a broken relationship in my mind instead of focusing on the new healthy relationship. I also can track back to suffering rejection from my dad as achild which could be partly why i struggle with this situation.

    A posted called VJ just sent me this on my forum discussion which may help:

    you still have the energetic cords (ties) of attachment with this person. These cords are invisible since they are at an energetic level. They are also called as psychic ties.
    All you have to do is cut the energetic cords of attachment to get it out from your head so that you can be fully present.

    Please go through the below links to know more on what it is and what to do-
    (http://ascendedrelationships.com/cutting-energy-cords/)

    (http://www.soulconnection.ca/cord-cutting.html)

    Calling upon Archangel Michael with his golden sword is a very famous way of cutting negative cords-
    (http://www.nikkiboruch.com/how-to-cut-energetic-cords-with-archangel-michael)

    There are many ways of doing this. Simply do a web search on “cutting energetic cords of attachment”

    Also if you prefer something visual then there are lots of videos on YouTube too.

    March 5, 2017 at 8:27 am #135943
    David
    Participant

    @lukesblues

    Yes, I’m still in relationship with that girl. The thing is.. I really love her. She’s great, we fit each other perfectly, we both love travelling, she’s fun person to be around, we almost never argue.. She has all qualities to be a perfect life partner

    on the other hand, relationship with my Ex was rocky form the beginning, there was a lot of jealousy and other unhealthy emotions. Yet.. there was an amazing chemistry, which I don’t feel for my current girlfriend. It was something electrical and it still gives me shivers when I think about it. I miss this “kick” which made me feel like walking in the air.

    I am on strict NC for almost a year now. I have cut all communication with my ex. We haven’t said a word to each other since last May. I unfollowed her on all social media, and somehow resist the urge to check her profile. Since last May, there were only two times when I saw her picutre on facebook and it’s only becouse one of our common friends liked the picture on which she was tagged. Each time I saw her – I felt ruined.

    I feel desperate. I don’t know how to let it go. NC rule doesn’t seem to work for me, becouse I think about my ex every day.
    I don’t want it to jeopardize my current relationship. My current girl is kind of person, everyone wished to have as a life partner.

    I know that my words may look like not genuine, but I just have feelings for both these girls. I deeply care for my girlfriend, and I’m always there for her when she needs me. We have a very supportive type of relationship. But at the same time, I feel this “chemistry” for my ex, and the fact that she’s unattainable makes me want her even more…

    I never felt that confused in my life 🙁

    March 5, 2017 at 8:37 am #135945
    Whirlwind147
    Participant

    I do see similar themes to my issue also and what helped is anita saying you have to spend your energies on the healthy relationship. You can still love and let go of that ex who may have had great chemistry but clearly as u admitted was not the life partner the new person is.

    Its hard and i know it myself but keep battling away and realise u need to be mindful that you are exactly where you need to be right now with somebody who fits what u need not what u crave.

    Feel free to message me its always better to get it off your chest. I felt same about my ex but in reality i know my current is the right person amd better fit. My problem is wanting to fix broken things which meant i was focusing on the broken not the healthy relationship.

    We can do this

    March 5, 2017 at 9:24 am #135949
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear David:

    You started this thread more than 11 months ago, almost a year. I re-read your posts. I don’t know if you are interested in my updated understanding, suggestions, input. You wrote that you “never felt that confused” and this is following a year almost of No Contact. I am following with my input just in case it may help with your confusion. It is here to follow for your reading and consideration, or not. Your choice.

    You wrote these things in your various posts here:
    * “she has.. SOMETHING which you notice only after you get to know her better”
    * “I cannot even evoke in myself feelings of anger towards my ex for making me feel so low. I tend to think about her as a victim of her own difficult childhood. Just like me, she suffers from depression… and she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature.”
    * “there was an amazing chemistry, which I don’t feel for my current girlfriend. It was something electrical and it still gives me shivers when I think about it. I miss this ‘kick’ which made me feel like walking in the air.”

    Reads to me that the draw, the chemistry has a lot to do with the fact that she indeed showered you with attention and then dumped you, and then repeated, like I suggested in my first reply to you. It does feel “electrical”, intoxicating, “like walking in air” to have love lost COME BACK. You don’t have this with your current girlfriend. She loved you from the start, no loss-and-return. It feel nice, but not intense.

    But there is something more. You see yourself in her (“she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature”- you see yourself in your ex, but not in your current girlfriend. The distress you see in your ex is the distress that exists in you. And so, I think, you see your salvation in her.

    Maybe you think she, the ex, understands you, as you understand her, and you can save each other. On the other hand, your current girlfriend, as wonderful and loving as she is, you believe, doesn’t understand you because she doesn’t share that “darkest part of (your) nature.”

    Let me know, if you will, what you think, and if you’d like, we can communicate further about this.

    anita

    March 5, 2017 at 12:53 pm #135957
    David
    Participant

    Dear anita and lukesblues,

    You’re both very right. And I totally agree with you anita. You wrote:
    “You don’t have this with your current girlfriend. She loved you from the start, no loss-and-return. It feel nice, but not intense.”

    True. She gives me all I have ever wanted with my ex. I feel safe in my relationship. I feel secure. I give her a lot of freedom. She has her male friends and I do not feel jealous becouse of it. She also trusts me completely and gives a lot of space and freedom. I deeply care for her, and when she was going through hardships related to loss of job, I was giving my best to help her out with finding a new workplace. I am always there for her, and I know that I can always rely on her when I feel low. I can expose to her my most vulnerable part and feel completely comfortably with it.

    Role model of what relationship should be. But… you’re very right anita.. I miss that intoxicating intensity of my flawed relationship with my ex.

    It’s stupid, becouse rational part of me doesn’t want this kind of relationship. I know it has never served my well-being. I was suffering most of time, but still these occasional highs were totally worth it.

    I guess that’s how feel a crack addict.

    March 5, 2017 at 5:22 pm #135975
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear David:

    You’ve been in no contact with your ex girlfriend for almost a year and you still, after all this time, and with not contact, you wrote today: “I feel desperate. I don’t know how to let it go. NC rule doesn’t seem to work for me, becouse I think about my ex every day.”

    And you wrote above that you were “suffering most of time” when in the relationship with your ex. “but still these occasional highs were totally worth it.”

    Still worth it?

    Maybe it is still worth it. Maybe you have been experiencing a payoff from this preoccupation, this longing, all through this time and still, in the present. What could it possibly be, what is the payoff?

    Maybe a clue to that payoff is in that “darkest part of (your) nature” (from “she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature,”)

    anita

    March 11, 2017 at 4:07 pm #139029
    Darkheroes
    Participant

    Hey David,

    I found your topic while searching for the problem I’m having too — which is exactly the same as yours — I made an account on this website just to reply to you.

    I have a happy relationship now, but feel it is not as intense as my ex-gf relationship — my ex also broke up a few times and got back together (but now I am with another gf I met after her; for 2 years!).

    I wanted to tell you I figured out why we feel like this. The feeling we are describing is not actually love! It’s a combination of anxiety, not enough trust and a bit of love. This combination makes for that intense feeling. Actually that feeling means the relationship is unstable! Stable relationships should feel “plain” or even a bit “boring”, which is why we feel less intense with our new girlfriends; but that’s perfectly fine because that means you are mature now and that you can communicate well and you trust her a lot and can argue in an adult manner.

    Congratulations, you’ve got a healthy relationship! Your previous one was bad, and she took advantage of you. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling that intense feeling for your ex; even as it seems to feel like love; it is not a healthy relationship, you wouldn’t want to be in that unstable relationship for your lifetime. Don’t doubt your love for your new gf and you’ll be fine!

    I found this article is really helpful, as well as my own post I made here; have a look at my situation and the answers, you’ll see it’s pretty similar to yours.

    I wish you the best and don’t let your girlfriend down! Don’t take your relationship for granted and you guys will soon be super happy together for a long time :-).

    Let me know how it works out for you or if you have a question!

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