This post is just going to be me straight up saying the ugly truth of how I feel. I’m jealous of my friend. I’ve talked about her on here before. She is my long-legged, tan, big-boobed, blonde, blue-eyed, bombshell friend. She’s my friend who always was able to get all of the attention in any room, any conversation, and basically any situation. People are stunned by her beauty. Girls talk about how pretty she is. Guys talk about how hot she is.

I had not seen her in a while because she got a boyfriend who was extremely jealous and never let her go out. People actually say that her boyfriend is only so controlling over her because she is just so beautiful and he wouldn’t dare let go such a beautiful girl. She lost all her friends because she would only hang out with him. Recently, this boyfriend isn’t as controlling and lets her hang out with us. I haven’t hung out with her that much yet but I have a feeling that if we go to a club, all guys will be talking to her and I will feel so ugly. I am so insecure that any time a guy walks over to any of my friends instead of me, I want to die and I feel hideous and start wondering why aren’t I pretty enough, I’m getting nervous because my friends are beginning to become closer to her already than me. They all seem to want to talk to her and be around her because she’s always so happy and positive. And she’s super hot and all my friends want to be around her. Me, on the other hand, am depressed. I’m sad, boring, and uninteresting. My friends are losing interest in me because when we all hang out, I’m just in the corner being boring while my beautiful friend is smiling happily. And yes, I’m not only jealous of her looks I’m also jealous of her happiness. How is she so happy all the time? Is it because she knows she’s beautiful and has never felt sadness because people are always nice to her because she is so beautiful? Probably.

I’m also jealous of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is my ex-boyfriend’s best friend. While I have a new boyfriend (who I love), I still haven’t gotten over my past relationship. I know that sounds weird but the truth is I miss being with my ex a lot. He was super abusive to me and always cheated on me yet I still miss him. You know what? I probably don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him and my beautiful friend is living that idea. She is still dating her boyfriend who is super popular, while I miss my ex-boyfriend who is his best friend. My beautiful friend is always hanging out with her boyfriend and his friends. I used to always hang out with them. That used to be me and she is so lucky to still be able to do that. And part of the reason why her boyfriend loves her so much is that she is so beautiful. Maybe if I were more beautiful, my ex wouldn’t take me for granted and abuse me and cheat?

Some of you who are reading this may be wondering why I care so much. Yes, I understand there is more to life than being beautiful. But I think I am a unique case because I literally grew up hearing so many stories of my beautiful mom and grandma (mom’s mom). My grandma is from Latin America and people constantly told me how BEAUTIFUL she was. People said she was the most beautiful women they had ever seen. A man killed himself because she dumped him for my grandpa. Guys don’t even notice me. My mom said she used to be chubby and was bullied for it. But once she lost weight, boom. Every guy wanted to date her, every girl wanted to be her friend, she became a commercial model, and people wanted to push her into acting because she had the look of a beautiful actress. I diet all the time and do not get this attention!!!!

Even on my dad’s side, my great grandmother from Poland was a model. She told me so many stories of her modeling career when I was growing up. And whenever I see pictures of my great grandfather (her husband), I see a beautiful man. And I’m not just saying that because he is my great grandpa. He looked like a genuinely beautiful man like he looked like a famous person.

All I EVER heard growing up was stories about my beautiful mom and grandmas. I honestly thought that when I grew up, I would become beautiful too! I thought I would get all the attention. But instead, my friend was gifted with stunning looks.

I think that’s why I’m so insecure. I feel like something is wrong with the way I look because I don’t grab male attention. I tell myself it’s because I’m super shy and ignore people and look unapproachable. But I am starting to think that’s an excuse. I will never be beautiful enough. A small part of me believes that maybe, just maybe one day I will become beautiful if I try hard enough. But another part feels absolutely hopeless. I’ve been dealing with this for years and nothing has helped me. I WANT to be beautiful and that’s all I want.