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I'm left heartbroken and I can't move on. Need help, advice and guidance please

HomeForumsTough TimesI'm left heartbroken and I can't move on. Need help, advice and guidance please

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  • #75661
    I
    Participant

    I’m terribly sorry for the long text I’m about to write but in my state, can’t actually tell which detail is more important so I’m writing it all.
    I’m in my late 20 and he is 40. I used to live abroad, not in my country. Used to have an ok job and a few friends. We met a year ago as he was there for a short visit, although he used to live previously there.
    Before him I just had flings, short-terms, nothing that could be called a relationship. Before him I was this strong ME but always struggled with comparison with other women. This in the inside, as on the outside, for the others, I was this strong smart woman that everybody was looking for advice and support from. When we met, I knew I’m not his type. He sold himself as the old wolf that had been through two divorces already and didn’t want to bother to have anything “involving”. I was and am in a point that I needed stability and I needed a Mr.He as I was tired of adventures or game so I made myself clear to him that I didn’t want to play. Nevertheless he started chatting with me. From a few hrs per day it became 24/7. He succeeded in attracting my interest by confessing that although he likes the old player role he has, deep down he was feeling lonely and needed to find that right person to share the life with. For two months or so, he became a virtual intense part of my day. He filled all the free space I had in between work, sleep, and friends, and even though I was there physically, I was mentally with him on the phone, social media etc 24/7.
    He started developing feelings (at least this is what he was saying) and attracted me even more with the game of confusion he was playing as to this never happened to him, he can’t believe he’s feeling so deep for somebody he didn’t even have a proper date with etc etc. Before even meeting he was saying that he is in love with me. At the time I was insisting to take things slowly, but inside me (may be because he was saying the exact words that I wanted to hear from a man or may be because he had conquered my day and night) I was starting to feel hope and happiness by the fact that he might be the one. We re-met after two months of intensive chatting, but it was different as somehow we kind of new we were together. Stayed together for a month and in this month he would try to tell me as many things as possible about himself. He had a recent break up 3 months before me) with a gf of three years and his version of that relationship was: “she was crazy, we were on and off all the time, in 3 yrs they might have actually been together just 9 months, he was chasing her all the time and at one moment he called it off, but now she wants him back and she calls him non stop on the phone but he is done forever and ever with her”. I believed him at the time.
    After him going back to his country, we continued with the chatting but in a whole different level as we were “together” now. I went to visit him in his country and it was there that he promised eternal love and proposed. Again, at the time, I felt that all made sense. That we were meant to be together and why wait. “Yes” I said and in autumn, I left the country to go to his country. Left my job, my friends, spent all the savings to close the debts and moved in. The plan was for me to move in, find a job and start a life there. We would get married in March this year (it was October back then).
    As soon as I did that he became another person. From the one who couldn’t stop hugging and kissing me every other second, to the one who was barely speaking or touching or making love to me. He stopped taking about the future, or the marriage or making any plans. I became miserable. Tried to talk to him about what’s going on and the answer was that it was just a “phase” as he had to get used of having me 24/7. But I could feel it that something had changed. He didn’t have the same look in his eyes, he didn’t have the same touch, it all felt different. After 2 months of living together i was pretty much depressed and couldn’t understand what’s going on. I was dependent on him for everything. I was in a country where I didn’t have any friends, neither knew the language, neither had a job, nor income and than one day, I see on his phone a chat with his “crazy ex” and I went peanuts. We had a deal before me moving in to “clean up” from whatever it was in the past so when I saw the chat I felt horrible. They would talk almost everyday and she would send him numerous pictures of herself. More or less the kind of chatting we used to have before me moving in with him. We had a huge fight, I called it off but: I was dependent on him even for a ride at the airport and he wouldn’t let me go. He swore that it was nothing, that he didn’t tell me as he knew I would get upset. Begged for forgivenesses etc etc and I did. I forgave him, but my trust was gone. What happened in the following months is my downhill road to heartbreak, depression, lost self esteem, and deep deep serious pain.
    Firstly, I start “stalking” on social media his ex and it ends up that it wasn’t such an easy story as he described it. She still had all the pictures published of their trips together, parties, gifts, etc etc. they were living together for a while and they were also planning to get married. While when with me he had no social media accounts, he did at the time he was with her and what I saw was that he had the exact same phrases with her “my one and only, love of my life etc” and I collapsed. When confronted he said that he didn’t tell me all these details as it was all part of the past and the only reason he is still talking to her is because he still has some of his clothes in her place and she wants to change houses so he needs to collect them. Somehow I pretended to believe that. We had a trip planned in a few weeks for him to come and meet my parents and I didn’t want any drama. But secretly I started comparing myself to her and to all the pictures they had together. Started obsessing about the gifts she would publish she received by him at the time and started comparing. In my mind she had more gifts, more going outs, more of what I had with him. So the trip date came and I left before him and he would come a week after. That week became 2, and than 3, and than it became a whole fight were I was accusing him of not living me and threatening of letting him go. And he did please me, he said he now feels confused and doesn’t know what to do. At this point, I left my ego go, packed my stuff and went back to him telling him that I’m not ready yet and whatever the reason might be to what is happening I don’t want to give up on us but I want to try to fix it. He agrees but by the time I started feeling as he’s back, I had to travel again, this time to the country I used to live ( and where his ex lives)and sort a few papers. He would join me after a week but he promised and swore that it wouldn’t happen the same thing as last time.
    What happened: he came a week later indeed but he didn’t tell me. Instead he would keep his other phone on and tell me he is still in his country. When he finally declared that he’s arrived, it was my birthday but precisely on that day we had a fight and I ended up crying all night. I was staying at a friend and he was staying at his friend and besides meeting just for an hour for my birthday, we actually spent 10 days apart although in the same country. We would barely answer the phone and of course I was miserable. Anxiety attacks, pain, difficulty in breathing, eating and sleeping disorders, you name it, I went through all. Everybody was telling me to leave him but I couldn’t. How could I? I desperately wanted to win the battle of having my old him back. So within myself decided to give him some space and time. I thought he needs some time with his boys (as he doesn’t really have friends in his country). Eventually we met. His ex was constantly calling and his response to that was that she knows he’s in town and wants to meet him. He said that he is confused about us but it has nothing to do with her.
    My old me would send him to hell at this point but the ME I had become (hurt, insecure, panicked) begged him for another chance and he agreed. We went back to his country and once there he became more close, more affectionate. I started looking for jobs and just by the time I get to relax myself a bit from all the constant tension and fear of losing him, the Universe makes his phone ring when he was having a shower. He had his code changed several times but I would always know it so I decided to go through his phone. He was talking to her and basically what had happened was that during my first trip, he started rediscovering feelings for her, but when I came back he told her to move on, but on this last trip since they used to live together in that countries all the memories had came back to him. I read “I love you” (he to her) and I read “I have tears in my eyes when I think of the times where… Blah blah blah (he to her) and my blood pressure went nuts. Took the phone and through tears and deep pain went to him and asked him why. Why would he make me go through all this if he still loves her? Why stay with me if he still loves her? Called it off immediately and started preparing the luggage. Asked him to book me a flight immediately as I didn’t even want to hear the answer to my why I just wanted to leave. The kind of pain I had is hard to describe in words, my body couldn’t stand up, I collapsed on the floor and couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe from the crying and my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going out of my chest. He begged for forgiveness and wouldn’t let me go at that state. Begged for me to wait till the next day. Begged for me to believe him that he said I love you to her as she was threatening to end her life. Swore that he loves me. Swore that he doesn’t know why he keeps talking to her etc etc. I didn’t leave for the very simple reason that I had nowhere to go. I needed him to book the ticket as I didn’t have any money and I needed him to drive me to the airport as I didn’t have any money. And even if he would do so, I didn’t want to go back to my country but I wanted to go to the country were I was living when I met him and to do that I needed money, a place to live in and a job. So I stayed. The following days we sat down and talked and agreed that he will cut all the communication with her. At this point there was no marriage in the air at all, but we would try to move on slowly and start build something. Two months passed and during these two months I could tell that there is something going on. He changed his phone code again and was always careful when talking on the phone or texting. He was two days affectionate and two days cold and deep down me I knew. But, I was and am devastated, exhausted and just needed him to be with me. A week ago he forgot his phone at home so I went through it. There was no “I love you’s” but there was a chat, and daily phone calls and hundreds of pictures sent from her. There was moment when she asked him if he was with somebody else and his answer was “no”. I became sick. Threw up for hours and when he came back home all I could say was “what the hell did I do to you for you to conscientiously hurt me so much?” This time he didn’t beg for forgiveness but called it off. Told me he can’t handle the constant pressure I’ve put him into and the control he feels like from me. He said he doesn’t own me any explanation as we are not together and we haven’t been for a long time. He said he’ll get me a ticket and help me for a month till I get back on my feet but he doesn’t feel the same for me anymore and that it has nothing to do with his ex but that he is a loner and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He said many other things that I don’t remember as I was in tears.
    What I think?
    I think I’m mentally sick as instead of being angry at him, I can’t stop loving him.
    I think I was just a rebound to the sick relationship he had with his ex. I think that he desperately needed to forget her with me and do all what he couldn’t do with her with me. I think that during this process not only did I fall in love and fantasize about a future and a wedding and all the promises he would make of getting old together but I also created an ideal in my head that got mixed with the feelings I have for him and I can’t let go. What I think is that I can’t recognize myself anymore. I’m insecure, hurt and beyond scared of starting my life from scratch. I’m scared that at almost 30 I don’t have the time to start a new job, rebuild my finances, meet the right guy (I don’t want another man, I want HIM as I feel I never had him) and create a family. What I think is that I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of living alone. I think that my life is over. I think that I’m scared he will buy a ticket and once there he will disappear and not help me financially get back in my feet. And honestly I don’t want to. I’m devastated and tired and don’t think I have the strength to start it all over again. I’m in a very dark spot where I don’t see a point waking up in the morning anymore. And still in love. In this week where we agreed I’m leaving (the ticket is for next week) instead of hating him for all the pain I’m hoping that he changes his mind as I can’t possibly think of living without him. As I wrote all the bad happenings but there was also the good ones and one of them was that this mad is able to give and transmit so much love that I’ve never seen in anyone else and I want that love. What I think is that he is still talking to her but at the same time I have this idiotic hope that he might just need some time. I know that there was love and I’ve seen anything like that before and this is why I fought so much for it and him and this is why I can’t let go. And I think I need help because if life is not with him, I don’t want it at all.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by I.
    #75663
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi innnaaa,

    Oh, sweetie!! {{{hugs}}}

    I know, I know. As women we get crazily competitive when we even think we sniff another woman in the background. And you actually had one! What I would have done is keep losing or destroying his phone, but that’s just me when I’m crazy! LOL! Let this other girl “win”. Believe me, she’ll get her heart broken too. Look at his string of failed marriages!

    Anyway, speaking as a slightly older person, let me assure you that you are STILL YOUNG. Not metaphorically young. Not comparatively young, but young enough so that this is a blip in your life and even résumé . Yes, indeed you can go back and start over.

    OK, the only love advice my mother gave us was, “Never marry a foreigner”. Anyone can say the right things, but you need someone with your own core values. Also, never live with anyone before marriage. As you can see, you are helpless and beholden to them. Especially in another country when you have no money or job!! Right, lessons learned.

    Please, this week, just concentrate on getting OUT. Go back home. Go back to your family, your parents, siblings, cousins, anyone. Have a good cry. Let them build you up. Begin again.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #75665
    I
    Participant

    Thank you Inky,
    Thank you for the nerves to read (I know it’s a lot of text) and respond.
    My problem is that I’m left with all this love in my chest and all this pain at the same time and I don’t know how to move on. How to let go of the feelings I still have for him. How to let go of the memories of what we were at the beginning and how to let go of all the hopes for a future with him.
    I’m devastated to that level where I don’t see a point of life if it’s not with him.
    I don’t want to move on. I want him to get a slap in the face and wake up and realize what is going on and make things right.
    I know it sounds like “Lala Land” and actually is and this is my problem. I can’t seem to be able to gather forces and let go, move on.

    Blessings to you,
    I.

    #75666
    Inky
    Participant

    Let’s deal with your broken heart when you are back home. That is where all your energies should be RIGHT NOW. Getting OUT, going HOME. Just get through that. Physical first, emotional later. Worst case scenario have a family member or an old friend fly out and get you.

    Trust Me.

    Best,

    Inky

    #75689
    pamela
    Participant

    so sorry innnaaa for your pain. inky is very wise, every time i read a response from her to someone it resonates with me. I had a similar experience recently…after 5 years, we weren’t married, i see a picture online of him with his wife. he had been married 2 wks when i found out. i was with him without a clue..none..where did she come from, how long….endless questions endless pain. its been exactly 1 year now. for me it was a grieving process one i thought would never end. it has. i do still wonder why or how this happened. but it doesn’t matter it did and the bottom line for me is i came out of this much better than i thought. the pain the desperation will slowly go away even if you don’t feel it right now. you must remember and know you are so much better than he deserves. please hang in there…I’m not saying time heals all but time will soothe you and comfort you. every night when i ask blessings over the people in my life i include him. i do wish him the best and want him happy. truth is i believe he must live in pain and insecurity that i can’t understand or he wouldn’t treat anyone the way he treated me. this site has helped me immensely i check it every day. each moment each day will be a little better but there will also be times it will be like a wave and knock you down again. the good news is as time goes by the wave will become smaller and you will be able to withstand it. its a wonderful world and love and happiness will surround you in a way you never dreamed possible.

    peace..
    pjoy

    #75707
    NeverGiveUpHope
    Participant

    Oh girl, hang in there and take the advice above – GET OUT! You have been chasing this man because of what you hope it could be or think it might be. The reality of it is that it’s not making you happy. He is not giving you what you need and you have handed over your life and your happiness to him. From what I can tell you are an amazing smart woman with her entire life ahead of her. Please don’t give it up for someone that cannot commit to you and cannot be honest with you.
    You have your whole life ahead of you. Recognize what is making you unhappy right now and create a plan for yourself to move towards the things that make you happy with yourself without this man. You have a chance to start fresh. Look at it an adventure. Right around the corner is something really amazing waiting for you. You just need to let go of this and move toward the good waiting.

    #75769
    Jas
    Participant

    Hi there,
    It’s true,you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you.So please don’t beat yourself up for some one that’s not giving you what you need.Move on,and there might be something great waiting for you.So chin up girl.God bless.

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