Sure, as a new topic?

This happened a year ago but I still feel guilty about it and not sure what to do (if anything). For context, I’m married to my wonderful husband for almost 2 years now. I was at a house party with one of my best friends who I was visiting in another city. We were drinking. An attractive man walked in, we started chatting. Within a few minutes he touched my hand briefly, so I thought maybe he was flirting with me. I immediately worked into the conversation that I’m married and we talked about my husband. We kept chatting for over an hour and he still continued to touch my hand from time to time. I was pretty drunk, but nothing else happened and the conversation itself did not feel flirty. We were talking about politics and our families and where we’re from. There was no flirty banter or anything, but the setting felt kind of intimate (late night party). Then my friend and I went home and that was that. But the next day my friend said something about how that man was flirting with me, and I was suddenly wracked with guilt that I was talking with an attractive man at a house party with alcohol involved. I feel guilty that I didn’t leave the conversation and that I was actually enjoying the attention, though I know I did the right thing by saying upfront that I’m married and was very clear about that. But still, I shouldn’t have let the conversation continue. Am I overthinking this and letting guilt take over? I don’t want to make my partner alarmed over a small thing, and I don’t want to tell him just to relieve my own guilt. At the same time we don’t have clear boundaries on behavior around the opposite sex, we both trust each other, but I genuinely don’t know if what I did would make him uncomfortable or not. Again maybe I’m making a big fuss over something small, I just want some outside perspective.

I should also add that I have a recurring nightmare where I cheat on my partner and in the nightmare I always feel panicked and guilty, and I feel like that when I wake up too. I’ve never cheated in real life or been cheated on. So maybe I have a deep fear of hurting my partner or lack of trust in myself or just an over-active conscience? I don’t know.

Dear Anita,
Thank you, that’s a really helpful perspective. You’re right, I feel much more guilty over how I was feeling and what I was thinking than what I actually did. I was feeling interested in this person, like I wanted their attention, and that made me feel guilty. And then I felt guilty that once I realized I was attracted and that they were maybe flirting with me, I didn’t leave the conversation. But you’re right, I didn’t do anything disloyal. Thank you for pointing out that needing attention and validation is human 🙂

I think often my guilt is about my emotions. Sometimes it’s about my actions, but it’s usually a disproportionately large feeling of guilt compared to what I actually did. I don’t know why that is, but I have always been that way. Even when I was a kid I remember feeling like that. One time I didn’t pick my friend for a sports team and she was upset. I felt SO guilty, I cried to my mom. I couldn’t stand the thought that I had hurt my friend and what kind of person that made me. But my friend and I made up the next day, so my guilt was very disproportionate to any damage I had caused. And I’m still this way, but with adult problems! Thank you again for sharing your perspective and helping me work through it <3