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I'm not sure I could hold on to her

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  • #175195
    Lester
    Participant

    Last week, I posted on here with the title

    Confused and don’t want to hurt my girlfriend

    That post really helped me get through what I’m feeling at the time. Thanks again, Anita.

    But now, just a few days later, I still feel the same. My girlfriends sexual past just hurts me so much. Everyone tells me it’s not a big deal but it haunts me every day. I can’t get over the fact that she had one night stands with some people in the past. I can’t get over the fact that she once in the past before she met me went back to her ex boyfriend and had sex with him hurting her ex boyfriends girlfriend. I can’t get over the fact that she slept with someone who is a cash register (yes, I know I sound so horrible right now, but this is how I feel). She kissed a friend of mine in the past before we became a thing. I’ve searched for a relationship my whole life, now that it’s here I’m hurt by it. It feels unfair. It feels unfair that some random guy on tinder, or some cash register got to have sex with her at some point. It just feels like the universe is so unfair.

    I know I sound so egotistical right now but I can’t help how I feel. All of those things just hurt me so much. It feels me up with so much jealousy I cry sometimes. I mean I know she was just trying to find love, but it hurts how she casually just gave away things that I now find so valuable.

    All this just leads me to believe that I’m not meant to be with anyone. I can see the error of my thinking believe me. I tell myself everyday not to judge her based on things she did before we became boyfriends and girlfriends. But why does it hurt so bad? Is the solution to let her go? Yes, I don’t see that fixing anything too, but at this point that’s all I know to ease the pain.

    I’m so lost and confused.

    • This topic was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Lester.
    • This topic was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Lester.
    #175217
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    You are welcome.

    I agree with you: you can’t help how you feel (neither can I).

    I read loud and clear that you are in emotional pain and has been for a while.

    I also know you tried hard to stay in this relationship in spite of the pain.

    You wrote: “Is the solution to let her go? Yes, I don’t see that fixing anything too, but at this point that’s all I know to ease the pain”- I am interested in you easing your pain, so please do. End the relationship with her.

    The conclusion though is not that you are “not meant to be with anyone”, but that you need to find out, when you meet a potential girlfriend, before deciding on an intimate relationship, if:

    1. You can live without knowing her sexual history, if she is able and willing to not share, if you are able and willing to not ask.

    2. If you can’t live without knowing, then ask her before she is your girlfriend about her history. See to it that her history is one that you approve of.

    If you do decide to break up with her and you want to do it in a way that is least painful for her, let me know how you would do it and if you would like, I will give you my input.

    anita

     

    #175221
    Lester
    Participant

    It’s just so hard because she just recently moved in with me. Now I feel like I like I’m a big mistake. She feels guilty of all her mistakes in the past already. I don’t want to be another person in her life letting her down.

    #175223
    Lester
    Participant

    She is nothing but sweet to me. I don’t want to let her down.

    #175235
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    Does she know that you are still feeling pain, currently or does she think you are over your pain regarding her past?

    anita

    #175241
    Lester
    Participant

    I hide it away from her. I don’t want to hurt her with how I feel.

    #175245
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    How do you manage to successfully hide your pain away from her, or… are you successful? Any evidence that you are not successful? More specifically, I ask: does she currently express to you distress over her past affecting you; do you ask her any more questions about her past and does she currently volunteer more information about her past?

    anita

    #175253
    Lester
    Participant

    No, she doesn’t volunteer information about her past. She knows how I feel about them. There was a couple of times I over heard talking about going to parties and clubs and never been pregnant before. But little things like that disturbs me. It reminds me of her previous sex life and nasty images come to my head. Even as little thing as her saying her ex boyfriend left his jacket in her place one time, I think of all sorts of things that make me jealous just hearing that.

    #175257
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    I ask you questions for a reason, to find out information so to hopefully be able to be of some help to you. Therefore I ask again: how do you manage to successfully hide your pain from her?

    anita

    #175259
    Lester
    Participant

    I remain nice and happy around her. I do nice things for her like cooking dinner sometimes breakfast. Taking her on dates. We found that we like to go bike riding on the weekends. Those moments makes me feel so happy being with a person like her. I’ve been talking less lately and I think she is sensing that something is off with me.

    #175261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    You are conflicted. Part of you wants to avoid pain (the earliest animal instinct) and end the relationship, have her move out. The other part of you wants to avoid another kind of pain: guilt about hurting her. The first part is not likely to disappear because of the second part. It is likely to fight, to intensify. And to match it, your guilt will intensify as well.

    If she cares for your well-being, she will not be interested to see your torture increase. On the other hand, she may turn a blind eye to it.

    The simplest solution is that she chooses to leave, isn’t it? That first part of you knows it, and will try to cause her to leave you, I am thinking.

    My suggestion that you end the relationship still stands. Perhaps you can compensate her for any expenses involved, maybe even offer to pay for some counseling so that she can recover from the pain you are afraid to cause her.

    anita

    #175263
    Lester
    Participant

    I feel like I’ve used her this way just to experience what it’s like to have a girlfriend.

    #175267
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lester:

    If so, if you used her, then make amends to her, ask for her forgiveness and offer to pay for her counseling perhaps, to recover from her experience.

    To pay with a lifetime of increasing torture is … too much of a punishment, not fitting the crime, is it?

    * She will know at one point, if she doesn’t already knows, that you are suffering. And so, if she continues to live with you, will she not be the one using you?

    anita

    #175269
    Lester
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your advice. No matter what, it hurts. And it’s difficult. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate all the advice.

    #175271
    Lester
    Participant

    I’m also afraid that all of this has nothing to do with her sexual past. That I’m just addicted to feeling miserable. I have great things going for me if I just don’t think about the past. But yet, I can’t help but hold on.

    If this is the case, then I’d be letting go of something that could have been wonderful. I’m old enough to know that nothing is ever perfect. Maybe I just focus too much on things that are not perfect rather than the things that are.

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