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I'm not wired for compassion

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    XYZ
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    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I strongly feel that I have let myself down and I am letting myself down again and again. Life has given me many gifts and opportunities, but I always sabotage them. I am so deep in self hate. I’ve tried some self-compassion and loving kindness (metta) meditations but they always say affirmations like May All be happy, May all be fulfilled and I don’t feel authentic in saying them. Honestly, I am selfish, envious, and I hate a lot of persons and I’m also jealous of many people. I can’t say I want them to be happy. I don’t know what to do? I feel ashamed of myself, I feel ashamed of being a nobody when everyone who lagged behind me is so successful. I hate everything – myself for not trying hard to be successful, for being lazy, for missing out opportunities, for wasting my gifts. I hate everyone. I am envious of them. I know I should get rid of my envy, wish other people well, but I can’t do it? Compassion is very hard for me, be it for self or others. Can anyone please guide me? I feel like God is punishing me for my envy by making me lag behind everyone.</p>

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