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I’m so confused.

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #395318
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    I was asked to be his girlfriend and a month almost 2 months in he told me that he just ready for it, he says he can’t be the man I need him to be (I didn’t give him a list of qualities I expect him to have) I’ve been loving him unconditionally, he says his trying to change his ways saying his always a disappointment to me and his family. What do I do?

    #395342
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    I will try to help you to be less confused. First, I will ask you a couple of questions and when you answer I will reply to you further with suggestion in regard what you can do.

    He says his trying to change his ways saying his always a disappointment to me and his family” –

    (1) Did he tell you (and/ or did you ask him) how he’s always been a disappointment to his family?

    (2) Did you express to him during the last 1-2 months, in any way, that he is a disappointment to you, for example: that he doesn’t take you out to nice-enough places, or that he was late for a date, anything like that?

    anita

    #395343
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you for response. He says his dealing with things at home so when he his with his friends he drinks himself past his point and gets home late but its not every day or weekend then they scold him for that but that’s basically what he mentioned to me, I didn’t mention me being disappointed I just asked him when his going to change his ways, and saying his not ready to make a commitment to me that I need, which I didn’t mention anything to him about, his parents are mad over me and me them, I have a 2 year son and my guy was happy to accept and love him as his own, he parents were fine with that all along and now his giving me that excuse saying his dad can’t get over the fact that I have a child, and when they found out his dad said it’s his choice they can’t say anything and that’s why things at home aren’t pleasant all of sudden, I have a good relationship with his parents do you think I should have a chat to his dad just to ask him about this?</p>

    #395344
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    You are welcome. He is living with his parents, and you met and “have a good relationship with his parents“. At the time he asked you to be his girlfriend, almost 2 months ago, he told you in regard to your 2-year-old son that he “was happy to accept and love him as his own” and he told you or suggested to you that “his parents were fine with that“, and that “his dad said it’s his choice“.

    During the less than 2 months relationship, you “asked him when he’s going to change his ways” (regarding him going out with his friends once in a while, drinking too much, if I understand correctly), and you complained to him that he is not making the commitment to you that you need him to make (“his not ready to make a commitment to me that I need“).

    Recently, he told you that he is always a disappointment to his parents, and to you, that he is trying to change his ways, and later (?) he told you that he is not ready for a relationship, that he can’t be the man you need him to be, and that his father “can’t get over the fact” that you have a child.

    My understanding at this point is that he is in the process of breaking up with you because he really is not ready (not willing and/ or able) to make the commitment that you want him to make, including co-parenting your son. When he told you earlier that he would be happy to love your son as his own, maybe he meant later, over time (not as quickly as in less than 2 months). Maybe he just said it without much thinking, or so to get you be his girlfriend.

    I think that every time you complained to him about his ways (especially if and after he tried to change those ways) and about him not making the commitment you needed him to make- that turned him off to you and to the relationship with you.

    In your original post, you wrote: “I’ve been loving him unconditionally“- not unconditionally of his ways and his commitment to you!

    I have a good relationship with his parents do you think I should have a chat to his dad just to ask him about this?” – I don’t think so because your issue is with their son/ your boyfriend, not with his parents.

    Let me know what you think about what I wrote here?

    anita

    #395346
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    After he met my son, him and my had this amazing bond, you could see the love there,and it warmed my heart every time, he saying that he doesn’t want to go against his parents and I don’t expect him to, but in the beginning he said that he’d fight for us because he wants us in his life, and look at us now.. I don’t know what to do anymore.. should I accept this or fight, what do I do??

    #395347
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    IF (and think about it), if you were unfair to him in your criticisms of him and of his ways, if you complained to him about lack of commitment to you too early in the relationship, if you put unfair pressure on him and contributed to him feeling like a disappointment- then maybe you should talk to him about it, ask him how he feels, and if the two of you have a meeting of the minds on the matter, maybe you can take it from there, figure new rules for the relationship, more mutual respect and no more pressure on him…?

    anita

    #395348
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Dear Anita, he has given up on me, I don’t think there’s a chance..💔 but I never contributed to the fact that he feels like a disappointment nor pressured him, and I wasn’t at all unfair I was more accommodating to him and gave him advice on how things he’s dealing with at home.</p>

    #395349
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    In this case, there is nothing for you to fix. And all that’s left for you to do is mend your broken heart. You were so happy and hopeful seeing how well he bonded with your son… it’s a shame that this bond was temporary.

    Should I accept this or fight, what do I do??… he has given up on me. I don’t think there’s a chance” – then accept this breakup and don’t allow him back into your life as casual boyfriend or a hookup or anything like that!

    Also, better learn from this and not introduce a boyfriend to your son before an exclusive relationship lasted long enough and the boyfriend makes a real, practical commitment to you and your son.

    Post again anytime, express yourself here, I want your broken heart to heal sooner than later!

    anita

    #395350
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    Dear Anita, it really is ashame yes, I’ll just have to pick the pieces up like, I really thought that he was it for me after years of being single, I will take your advice thank you, should I be friends with him?

    #395351
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    You are welcome. I wish I could do more to help you pick the pieces up.

    should I be friends with him?“- NO! If he is back to your life, it will have to be when he is holding an engagement ring in his hand! At that point, you will need to consider if you should accept that offer, but he’ll have to make the offer before you open a door for him, literally and figuratively.

    anita

    #395352
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    It’s ok, I’ll be fine thank you though, and I hear you. I’ll go cold turkey. Wish me luck

    #395353
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    Good to read that it’s ok and that you will be fine, thank you for saying that! I do wish you luck going cold turkey and remember to post here anytime it may help you to share your thoughts and feelings and get my replies.

    anita

     

    #395354
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    I definitely will 🙂

    #395557
    Anonymous 91
    Participant

    Hello Anita.

    So yesterday morning I asked him to not contact me until I contact him because I need some time and space, and he said its fine, I must take the time that I need, then he sent me a message last night saying ” Been 1 of the hardest days not messaging you when i leave work or get home or anything at all… im sorry if this message is out of line but i just wanted to say good night and i hope you sleep tight. Have sweet dream🤗” anyway just ought I’d share.

    #395561
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous91:

    You told him not to contact you, that you need some time and space, suggesting that after some time, you will contact him. He said fine, and then he contacted you. He disrespected your request and assertion. On the other hand, one might think… maybe he missed you so much that he… couldn’t help himself and had to message you.

    I just noticed that I didn’t notice something you wrote earlier (the italicized in the quote that follows), he told you that he is “not ready to make a commitment to me that I need, which I didn’t mention anything to him about“.

    If/ when you talk to him, ask him what he wants from you (maybe he wants a casual girlfriend, as in nothing serious; or a friend with benefits/ hookup, as in nothing serious or exclusive), and tell him what you want– get a clear picture of what he wants vs what you want and see if there is a fit, or not.

    I mean, it’s nice that he missed you yesterday, but if he missed you as a hookup, let’s say, that’s not something positive, not when you want a lifetime partner.

    anita

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