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I’m struck

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  • #398963
    ana
    Participant

    Hello everyone, first of all apologies for my broken english, as it is not my first language, second, its my first time on these forums, so I also apologize if I’ve overstepped any guidelines.

    I’d like to start off by saying that my childhood wasn’t good, I don’t know how common or uncommon is this, or how important is a good childhood for adult development, I’m not certain of anything and I feel as dumb as a brick, so if this is common sense please bear with me. I never met my grandparents because they died before I was born, despite my father’s family being a rather big one of seven siblings, my only family were my parents and two older brothers. I wasn’t supposed to be born to begin with, my mother got a tubal ligation procedure after my brother was born, the way they usually talked about this and so often made me realize that I was a problem rather than a blessing, since young I have always felt like a burden, there is a huge age gap between my brothers and me so they never paid me much attention. My parents screamed at each other often, fought often and my father beat me often too. It is hard to explain that we werent poor but we weren’t rich either, both my parents earnt good enough mounts of money, but they didn’t cared enough, they were both gambling addicts, my father was alcoholic. I had to reuse second hand text books through school, as well as clothes and bags. A day together with my parents would mean driving to a remote club in the middle of nowhere (where they didn’t had debts) them playing with slot machines and me alone with a bag of chips at the bar, I think I was 7yo the first time this happened, usually they would leave me with my brothers (they weren’t happy about this) or with a neighbour (even less happy about this). My school life wasn’t all that great, I enjoyed to study but I was lacking any help or support the other kids had, I remember as it was yesterday when my teacher asked the classroom if mom or dad helped them to do homework, most kids said yes, to those of us who said no she told us: “Well that’s probably because they don’t know you need help! Why not asking them to help you next time?” And so I did, I had this feeling I wasn’t allowed to ask for help so I never asked, but I really wanted to be like the other kids so I decided to ask my father to help me that evening, I remember the question and the topic so clearly even after all these years: Who invented the steam engine? My father wasn’t happy about this, he screamed and took books from the shelves, threw them arround, screeching about why I wasn’t able to do anything on my own. Suffice to say I never asked again, ever, and tried to keep all my school projects and homework entirely to myself. I had the strong urge to do school related stuff as hidden as possible, as quiet as possible, so I always planned to work on school stuff during weird hours even at night, so I could work safely when everyone else was sleeping (I just realized I still have this urge and that might be the reason why I find night shift more comfortable). My relationship with other kids wasn’t really good, I struggled a lot trying to make friends and was isolated often. This got a nice turn in highschool in where I had a nice group of friends, sadly this didn’t lasted much and ended when everyone had to go to college, I chose other training as I couldn’t pay for college, met other people, did alright and started my career with more or less success, it has been though for everyone due to economic crisis and pandemic so I believe on this behalf I haven’t been that different from my peers.

    So this bring us to today, my mother died three years ago and I haven’t talked with my father in years, I don’t have a good relationship with my brothers, no friends either. I have a job that doesn’t pays enough and has far too many useless protocols, so I’ve been looking for a change, had two interviews this week that didn’t went alright, I’m due to send a technical test this week for another position though. The problem is I don’t feel happy about anything, excitement doesnt lasts much. I work from home and I don’t leave the house unless its for something very specific, I fear people, I fear walking alone, I also fear driving and I don’t feel too happy about using public transport. I’ve always had this little dream of owning a modest apartment so I could adopt a dog, but I fear living alone. As you have guessed I have fear of everything, its absurd but that’s the truth. All I want to do these days is sleep, I’m always tired. I don’t know how to break from this cycle of work laptop, personal laptop, sleep, work. The only stuff I do inbetween is either cook or clean. I honestly feel like my time is up, I can’t stop thinking about bad stuff that might happen and that I’m broken beyond repair.

    Any tips?

    #398968
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ana:

    I am looking forward to reading your post and replying when I am back to the computer in about 5 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I return.

    anita

    #399044
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ana:

    It is now 8:32 pm my time, now that I am back to the computer, and I know that I need to answer you further tomorrow morning, when I am more focused. I read your original post. This is my short reply for this evening:

    I don’t know… how important is a good childhood for adult development” – it is very, very…. very important.

    I’m not certain of anything and I feel as dumb as a brick” – I am certain that you are not as dumb as a brick.

    I’m broken beyond repair” – you feel broken beyond repair, but you are not broken beyond repair. You are suffering, but you are not broken.

    Be back to you in about 1o hours from now.

    anita

    #399050
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Ana

    I’m very sorry that you experienced child abuse with your parents. You didn’t deserve it, every child deserves loving parents and to be protected!

    From experience, I can tell you that trauma therapy could be of great benefit to you. Even though it feels this way at the moment, you are definitely not broken.

    It sounds like you experience a lot of anxiety as a result of your past. Do you do any self-care to lower your levels of anxiety?

    Humans can develop a negativity bias. Gratitude practice might seem simple, but in time it can develop a new outlook.

    Good luck with your aptitude test! I think your goal of getting a new apartment and a dog will bring you a lot of good experiences.

    #399061
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ana:

    You shared that your family consisted of your parents and two older brothers. Your mother and/ or father told you that you were born in spite of a tubal litigation procedure. The “way they usually talked about this” made you feel that they thought of you as “a problem rather than a blessing… a burden“.

    My parents screamed at each other often, fought often and my father beat me often too“.

    Both your parents earned a good enough income, but your mother and your alcoholic father were both gambling addicts and spent their money gambling and incurring debts, while you were given secondhand textbooks, clothes and bags.

    A whole day spent with your parents when you were 7 and onward, was about being driven to a remote gambling club and sitting alone at the bar with a bag of gaming chips while your parents played the slot machines. At other times, they left you and your brothers with a neighbor while they spent their time and money gambling.

    I remember as it was yesterday“: your teacher at school asked the students in your class “if mom or dad helped them to do homework, most kids said yes, to those of us who said no she told us: ‘Well that’s probably because they don’t know you need help! Why not asking them to help you next time?“. Your teacher’s assumption was wrong because when, following her suggestion, you asked your father to help you with your homework question (“I remember the question and the topic so clearly even after all these years: Who invented the steam engine?”), he angrily threw books off the shelves and screamed at you about you not being able to do anything on your own.

    From then on, you did your schoolwork in hiding during the night, when your parents and brothers slept. Fast forward, as an adult, you “find night shifts more comfortable“. As a child, you were often isolated, it changed during high school when you had “a nice group of friends“, but that ended when they went to college, something you couldn’t afford to do. Instead, you chose an educational training program that you were able to afford.

    So, this bring us to today, my mother died three years ago, and I haven’t talked with my father in years, I don’t have a good relationship with my brothers, no friends either. I have a job that doesn’t pay enough… I work from home, and I don’t leave the house unless it’s for something very specific, I fear people… I’ve always had this little dream of owning a modest apartment so I could adopt a dog, but I fear living alone…  All I want to do these days is sleep, I’m always tired…. I can’t stop thinking about bad stuff that might happen and that I’m broken beyond repair. Any tips?

    The homework question was: Who invented the steam engine? I googled it just now, and I am not sure of the answer. Thomas Savery, an English inventor and engineer, invented the first commercially used steam-powered device, a steam pump “which is often referred to as an ‘engine’, although it is not technically an engine” (Wikipedia). So, if his engine was not technically an engine, who invented the first real steam engine, I ask myself.  Further online research leads me to Thomas Newcomen who improved on Savery’s invention and James Watt who improved it further. So… it is not one man who invented the first steam engine, is what I figure.

    You asked for tips, not for the answer to your homework question of long ago.  I just googled “tips for social anxiety” (because you mentioned anxiety about being out in public) and a lot came up, whole tips-filled books, like “Rewire your Anxious Brain” and “Thriving with Social Anxiety”.

    There is a website, philivoice. com/ 6 tips for coping with social anxiety. You mentioned being afraid not only about going out in public, but afraid of everything, so I googled “tips for anxiety”. WebMD. com/ tips for living with anxiety: “Move your body. Exercise is an important part of physical -and mental – health… Pay attention to sleep. Both quality and quantity are important… Ease up on caffeine and alcohol… Schedule your worry time… Breathe deep. It sends a message to your brain that you’re OK. That helps your mind and body relax”, and more.

    Back to the homework question: it was a moment of great significance when you asked your father to help you with this question. If only he looked you in the eye with a smile that said: I am glad you asked me; if only he talked kindly to you and went about looking for the answer with you… if that was the way he (and your mother) treated you on a regular basis, what a difference it would have made in your life!

    You asked for tips, here is my personal tip to you: find someone who cares about you, someone to whom you matter, someone who values you, not as a problem, not as a burden, but as a blessing. If you don’t have a person like this in real life, I can be such a person right here, in the context of your thread. Would you like that?

    anita

     

    #399926
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, ana?

    anita

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

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