I'm the one with toxic behaviour

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This topic has 27 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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September 18, 2018 at 8:41 am #226153

riris
Participant

Dear all

Having read topics on toxic behaviour, encourages me to write my own story.

When the class ended, there was a little party to celebrate. He and I started to dance and we both felt that it was more than dancing. We hugged each other and we said we’ll meet again. And we did. The next time we met, he kissed me. I’m married and it’s not with him.

He called me to make a decision. Of course, this situation couldn’t last. I told him I would make a decision, but I had to meet him. Meanwhile, I was poking him with text messages (which is a textbook example of toxic behaviour). When we met again, I told him that I was in love with him. Instead of saying, ‘let’s be friends’, we made love. He wanted it too, I noticed. After, he said that we were friends and nothing more.

So, I texted him to meet for a drink, he said no. Because we were friends. I started digging and found a page of him and it really opened my eyes. It was very clear that I had hurt him, broke his heart. On this page there was an item called ‘toxic women.’ I was sick, I couldn’t believe that I have done this. He has seen the worst of me. And I’m so sorry and ashamed.

After this horrible and painful episode, I looked for more information. There is a pattern in my life that makes sense now: anger fits, cheating, saying negative things, playing the victim role, and talking about myself.

These traits are not all the time in my life, they occur once in a while. I don’t know where this comes from, why I act in that manner. The first thing is to acknowledge that I have those toxic fits, and I want to get rid of it.

Can anyone help me? How can I make sure that there are no victims of my toxic behaviour anymore?

Thanks for reading.

September 18, 2018 at 10:37 am #226185

Anonymous
Guest

Dear riris:

The way you tell your story here, it feels like it is entertaining to you, sort of you being captivated by your own story, including by the theme of the story: “toxic behavior”. I wonder if you feel powerful as you perceive leaving victims as you move about toxically.

This man you got involved with, he knew you were married from the very beginning, didn’t he? How is it then that he is the victim, is he not the victimizer of your husband, a co-victimizer (assuming your husband trusts you and is loyal to you)?

anita

September 18, 2018 at 7:50 pm #226237

Elli
Participant

Hi riris,

First of all, I think awareness of your situation is a good step. But my question to you is when you fall into these toxic patterns, do you feel some sort of a high? Does the impulsiveness of these actions create excitement and pleasure for you?

Chances are there must be something else to your own personal narrative that continues to allow you to act out in toxic ways-without you having much control. You have already done the hard work in admitting it. But how does it feel for you when you take responsibility for your actions? such as apologizing and displaying this apologetic side to the person you are hurting or have hurt?

-Eli

September 19, 2018 at 11:41 am #226335

Veronica
Participant

Hi riris,

I’m glad you found the courage to share your story. You have even found the courage to recognize your own behaviors as “toxic.”

Oftentimes the toxic behavior we display are expressions of the wounds we still have inside. Perhaps you were hurt before–by a parent, friend, ex-partner, or others. Your pattern of “anger fits, cheating, saying negative things, playing the victim role, and talking about myself” sounds like festering wounds that can use some attention.

Hurt people will hurt people. A mentor has said, “If we don’t transform our wounds, we will surely transmit them.” Start noticing your patterns and be gentle with yourself. It helps to find a counselor who can guide you through the process.

I wish you only the best, which is what you deserve.

-veronica

September 20, 2018 at 1:18 am #226443

riris
Participant

Thanks for your replies.

@anita & Elli:

No, I don’t feel powerful when I hurt people. Moreover, I feel sad and didn’t understand why some people walked away. Now I do know why. Nor do I feel entertainment by sharing this story. And pleasure and excitement either. I always thought of myself to be considerate and kind, not the image that I have now of myself.

Yes, this man knew that I’m married. You are right. My husband is here the victim of my behaviour. When I realised this pattern, my husband and I talked about my behaviour and I apologised to him. Now, I take responsibility for my actions. The persons that I have hurt in the past, don’t want to talk with me anymore. Which I fully understand now. The ones who do talk with me, I told them that I’m sorry.

@Veronica:

Thanks for your kind words. I’m hurting myself with this behaviour.

My parents are loving and they support me. However, there was / is always a pressure not to fail. I understand that parents want the best for their childern, but I felt that it was never enough. There is also a pattern that my mother shows: it’s never enough. She always has comments towards my father about random things (groceries etc). I don’t blame anyone for my behaviour, I’m trying to figure it out where it comes from.

When I was young, I almost died of a brain infection. I was parallysed all over but I understood what was happening in the room. I had a locked-in syndrome, and that was frustrating. I had to learn to swallow again, to speak, to walk,… I took an enormous amount of energy to getting better and having a normal life. That is a trauma and sometimes I think about that episode of my life with pain.

In the past, I had a burn-out and a depression and I needed some help and I found a therapist. Since I just found out about my behaviour, we didn’t talk about it because I simlpy didn’t know. Now we will talk about it.

PS: sorry that I make some mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.

riris

September 20, 2018 at 8:59 am #226471

Anonymous
Guest

Dear riris:

Reads to me that I misunderstood your writing style for indicating a sense of power and entertainment on your part when it is more about English not being your mother tongue.

In your original post you mentioned these behaviors as part of your toxic behavior: anger fits, cheating, saying negative things, playing the victim role, and talking about myself”-

Talking about yourself as you do here on your thread is not a bad thing, not a toxic behavior. I hope you continue to talk about yourself here and in your personal relationships.

Your anger fits and saying negative things, maybe that anger did originate in you trying to please your mother again and again, and yet again, but “it was never enough”. A child gets angry when she tries so hard and it is not enough.

Regarding the cheating: maybe it is a way to distract yourself from the thoughts and feelings that come with that “it’s never enough” message, something exciting to focus on and in so doing, forget the usual not-enough state of mind.

What do you think/feel about what I wrote here?

anita

September 21, 2018 at 2:29 am #226559

riris
Participant

Dear anita

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me.

When it comes to talking about myself here it’s not a bad thing, you’re right. However, in the past, sometimes I talked too much about myself that it became toxic. Now, I’m aware of this and try to balance between a healthy way of talking about myself and a toxic one.

I always feel that my mother is disappointed. It has to be her way of living, and if not, she’ll criticizes every move or things I say. It’s like I should be someone else, to reach to her standards. Her mother is a clear example of narcistic behaviour, and that may be a root for my mother. My grandmother always says negative things and complains about everything.

You may be right about the cheating. I have to think about it, why I did cheat. I’ll come back to you on this point.

Thank you for your reply!

September 21, 2018 at 4:55 am #226567

Anonymous
Guest

Dear riris:

You are welcome and hope you do come back to me on that point you referred to, or otherwise, post again anytime you would like.

“It has to be her (your mother’s) way of living, and if not, she’ll criticize every move or things I say. It’s like I should be someone else, to reach her standards”. That was my experience with my mother, and I tried to be “someone else” but wasn’t able to. I tried. I think we will do anything possible to please our mothers, whatever it takes, we will try anyway.

“Her mother is a clear example of narcistic behavior.. always says negative things and complains about everything”- so let’s say your mother’s mother criticized her, and in turn your mother criticized you. It doesn’t mean necessarily that you would do that to your child, does it?

I wonder if your mother ever expressed to you anger at her mother or is she dedicated to still trying to please her mother, and I wonder if after you shared with her what you shared here (did you?) if she ever considered that she was doing you wrong and that she should stop criticizing you.

anita

September 21, 2018 at 7:05 pm #226637

Gigi
Participant

Dear riris

First awareness and then therapy right? And that’s where you are! You are being self-critical is what I felt. You are bringing your self esteem down. It is easy to just blame yourself for all this. In this case that you talk about, the man is also toxic in some ways- he knew what he was doing and then he suddenly retreated if I understand. One begets the other. Find therapy and counseling that centers you and cleanses you of these things. People take advantage of us and seems like unknowingly you have let them. Everything has a reason. I wish you all the best in this journey.

Thanks for sharing candidly,

Gigi

September 27, 2018 at 6:12 am #227759

riris
Participant

Dear anita

I think you’re right about the cheating. To my shame, it’s something that excites me, even though I know it’s horribly wrong to do it. I had values in the past, and now I have to build that up again.

About my mother: well… we laugh about her ‘crazy’ comments (again, about groceries). About serious matters, she gives her critizism and I listen to her. Because I value her. She doesn’t know that she’s doing it unless I tell her. About her mother, well, she doesn’t please her because that’s not possible with someone who’s narcistic, but she listens to her stories because otherwise it could become worse if my mother wouldn’t listen anymore and take her not seriously.

Dear Gigi

Thank you for your kind words. Indeed, I’m very self-critical. And yes, my self esteem is now zero at this moment. About that man, he knew of course that I’m married and indeed, he retreated – is it because it was getting too hot for him? I only know that he was madly in love with me…

Thank you for your replies!

Riris

September 27, 2018 at 8:07 am #227769

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Riris:

When I first read your original post I noticed that you enjoyed telling your story of cheating on your husband (“captivated by your own story”, I wrote to you), but you wrote back to me at that time, a week ago: “Nor do I feel entertainment by sharing this story. And pleasure and excitement either”. But today you wrote: “I think you’re right about the cheating. To my shame, it’s something that excites me”.

You also wrote about listening to your mother, listening to her talk about groceries (what about groceries, I wonder) and criticisms and all. I wonder if your life with your mother day after day, year after year, has been very boring for you, and yet you listened to her because of a sense of duty, because you felt she needed to be heard. Maybe your need for excitement is so strong because of that excruciating boredom, such as her groceries talk. Any truth to my thinking?

anita

September 28, 2018 at 2:49 am #227871

riris
Participant

Dear anita

Thanks for your reply.

I’m not bored to listen to my mother. In fact, I value her judgement highly. What I mean by groceries, is that she complains about the silliest things when my father buys something and we laugh about it (wrong fruit, etc).

About the cheating: maybe I want to escape reality. I know, that’s not the way to deal with life. I’ve crossed my own boundaries by cheating. I have mixed feelings about it: I feel broken, guilty, ashamed and at the moment itself, I feel excited. This feeling haunts me and makes me sick.

September 28, 2018 at 3:26 am #227879

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Riris:

In your original post you wrote: “There is a pattern in my life.. : anger fits, cheating.. I don’t know where this comes from, why I act in that manner.. Can anyone help me?” – I will try. I noticed two things that can explain this:

1. The traumatic experience you had as a child, having suffered from a brain infection and paralysis. This affected you significantly, I imagine. How, I don’t know.

2. Your mother criticizing and disapproving of you: “I always feel that my mother is disappointed. It has to be her way of living, and if not, she’ll criticize every move or things I say. It’s like I should be someone else, to reach her standards.” In your most recent post you wrote about your mother: “I value her judgment highly”.

If you value her judgment highly still, at this point in your life, then you still believe that you are a disappointment, that you have been a disappointment since childhood, that you did wrong and said wrong as a child and ever since.

Believing this is enough to make a person very angry. The cheating may be an expression of your anger. What do you think?

anita

September 28, 2018 at 7:46 am #227917

riris
Participant

Dear anita

Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot to me.

1. Indeed, that traumatic experience left me with multiple scars. I couldn’t talk about it for years because it made me cry whenever I thought about it and / or said about it. After all those years, I can talk about it with my therapist.

In the meantime, I had to struggle with an anxiety disorder, burnout, and a depression. This was two years ago.

2. Yes, I firmly believe that I am a failure. Towards my mother, towards my husband. An example. I’m a teacher for adults and for students. I’ve been working in the education field for almost ten years, but I can’t hold a job. My record is three years, that’s it.

I’m angry and disappointed at myself. And the cheating is indeed an expression of my anger. It’s like a vicious circle.

Thank you again for your reply.

September 28, 2018 at 8:02 am #227919

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Riris:

The brain infection, how old were you then and how long did it last, the infection and paralysis, before you recovered physically, was it months or longer?

After such a traumatic experience, how could your mother criticize you, I wonder. Didn’t she have empathy for you for having suffered as much as you have?

anita
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