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I'm the toxic one in the relationship; I want to change but it's so hard for me.

HomeForumsRelationshipsI'm the toxic one in the relationship; I want to change but it's so hard for me.

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  • #224299
    Ayumi
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’m here after spending the past hour reading forums and posts. I’m actually hoping the user ‘anita’ could so lovingly help me out. Her replies have been sensitive and very logical. I’d love for her to provide her input on my situation too. If you are reading this, hello anita!

    Anyway, I’d like to begin. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months and a week. We are completely, madly in love; as is apparent to us and others – to the attention of my mother and his mother too. However, even though he refuses to acknowledge it even when I admit it – I’m the toxic one in this relationship.

    In the last 6 months, I’ve suggested a break (temporary one) twice. One over the instance where he chose to forego our monthsary lunch (I apologise if this sounds so immature but to me, I’d just appreciate a nice lunch for such an occasion), highlighting that I’ve always shifted every single event of mine to ensure that we always get to meet up on that day and he just couldn’t make the exception for a single day because he chose to attend a math remedial that was essentially optional instead. Another time is again because he simply has been neglecting me for his studies despite what I’m willing to do for him any other time. I felt rejected, to the point that I was even annoying him with my love.

    Additionally, in the time we have been together, I feel like I’m always making him feel inadequate but for which when I consult with other people like my friends or family, they believe I have the right to be mad about it too. But frankly I feel like maybe I’m just a little bit overbearing but in the heat of the moment of an argument, I myself would think I have every right to be mad at him. I’m not sure if I’m going mad or what because I don’t know what is the truth.

    Another reason why I think I’m toxic is I believe that maybe my expectations are too high and that I don’t make him feel like he will ever be enough for me. This comes from the notion that I believe I’m the one putting a lot more effort into the relationship than he is. Which frankly, I still think I do put in more effort.

    This is all from the top of my head. I’ll update more when more things I want to say comes to mind.

    #224313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ayumi:

    Hello to you too, Ayumi. Welcome to the Forums.

    I need the answers to these questions so to understand:

    1. You wrote: “In the last 6 months, I’ve suggested a break (temporary one) twice”. Question: was your motivation to have a break in the relationship or did you threaten a break so to cause him distress and in so doing, cause him to spend more time with you?

    Will it be okay with you that he neglects his studies so to spend more time with you?

    2. You wrote: “I feel like I’m always making him feel inadequate… I don’t make him feel like he will ever be enough for me”.What specifically did you say to him that you think communicated to him that he is inadequate and will never be enough for you?

    3. You mentioned “in the heat of the moment of an argument”. How often do the two  of you argue, who starts the arguments, and what is it that you say to him in the heat of an argument?

    What does he say to you in the heat of an argument?

    I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours and if you answer by then I will reply further.

    anita

     

     

    #224317
    Chloe
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Ayumi,

    Such a nice coincidence that my case is similar to yours and I cant help registering to the forum to reply. Anita, your questions are logical so could I also present my case?

    1. I kept suggesting a break multiple times whenever we couldnt reach an agreement in order to make him compromise. He did to a certain extent at first but gradually fed up with me and ignored me.

    2. I said lots of harsh words and insutled him alot as Im very bad-tempered and becoz what he did to me is quite disrespectful, i.e. didnt show up on plans and didnt explain, didnt sorry etc

    3. I started the fight few months ago and since then we never actually rekindled as he kept avoiding me when Im mad rather than mutual discussion, which drives me crazy and more and more mad over the months.

    Thanks alot.

    #224327
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ayumi: soon I will be away from the computer for the next 15 hours or so. When I am back I will re-visit your thread and if you answer, I will be glad to reply to you then.

    * Dear Chloe:

    A coincidence indeed.

    “1. I kept suggesting a break multiple times.. in order to make him compromise”- that is dishonest manipulation, that is, you didn’t suggest a break because you wanted a break, but because you wanted to pressure him to do what you wanted him to do.

    “2. I said lots of harsh words and insulted him a lot”- you verbally abused him, that was wrong of you.

    I understand that he didn’t show up on time to meet you and didn’t explain why. He may have been disrespectful to you in other ways, maybe before you verbally abused him. Thing is, dishonest manipulation and verbal abuse are wrong no matter how disrespectful he may have been.

    You had or have the healthy and fair option available to you: ask him what is his problem with showing up on time, listen to his answer, tell him that it is important to you that he shows up on time, that it distresses you when he doesn’t. Ask him to correct this behavior.

    Then wait, if he continues to not show up on time (without having an emergency that will excuse it), then you can bring it up one more time, if you choose to give him one more opportunity. If he disrespects you this way one more time, then really break up with him.

    *If Ayumi does return to her thread, maybe you can start your own thread, if you want to communicate further.

    anita

     

     

    #224351
    Ayumi
    Participant

    Hi there anita, I’ll answer your questions here.

    1. You wrote: “In the last 6 months, I’ve suggested a break (temporary one) twice”. Question: was your motivation to have a break in the relationship or did you threaten a break so to cause him distress and in so doing, cause him to spend more time with you?

    Will it be okay with you that he neglects his studies so to spend more time with you?

    1. Mainly I suggested it to him with the hopes of him changing and trying to understand from my view. I know it sounds highly manipulative to do it this way and in a sense play with his feelings, but I feel like it’s the only way I can get him to change. I have always emphasised how important these monthsary lunches are but it was as if he did not take it seriously until I said that maybe we should take a break since I wasn’t on his priority list. To which he finally realised and changed. I feel bad I had to resort to this but frankly I am not so sure if he would have changed if all I did was simply reiterate my feelings about these monthsary dinners all the time.
    Also, I really don’t want him to neglect his studies to spend more time with me. I feel like when it comes to that, the problem is with me instead. I’m too clingy to him and he was previously but now studies are on his mind and he is nothing close to how he was before. I want to learn how to cope being not able to be with him the whole time like how we could have done so before. For the past 6 months, we have Skyped every day doing our own thing, not even talking but just having each other there. So the fact that now he doesn’t want to do that, I don’t know how to deal with it. 

    2. You wrote: “I feel like I’m always making him feel inadequate… I don’t make him feel like he will ever be enough for me”.What specifically did you say to him that you think communicated to him that he is inadequate and will never be enough for you?

    2. For example, he recently stopped telling me about the little things which he usually would do like “Hey hun, I’m about to have lunch now I’ll be back” or “You know I had a really good pasta just now just wanted to see if you’ve eaten” to now, he does not do anything of that anymore, and says “Oh, I’m just studying. Sorry, I’ll talk later”. The boyfriend I know would at least say something instead like “Sorry hun, I’m busy now but I’ll reply after I’m done with this”. He doesn’t say anything like that anymore! He even admitted to ignoring my message just to finish what he’s doing with the pretence of “Oh, I want to rush this so I can talk to you.” And it’s not as if he even talks to me when he’s done! So I end up highlighting all these, but I’ve never used harsh words, only a harsh tone. I say things like “If you don’t care just say it to my face” or ” I’m honestly feeling really neglected, and you know that if we were in reversed positions, I would do anything for you” to which he ends up replying with “I’ll never be enough would I?”

    3. You mentioned “in the heat of the moment of an argument”. How often do the two  of you argue, who starts the arguments, and what is it that you say to him in the heat of an argument?

    What does he say to you in the heat of an argument?

    3. The last time we argued was yesterday night. The previous time we had a huge argument was about 4 weeks ago regarding the 5th monthsary he willingly missed. I’m always the one starting it to which I feel bad for but also feel that my anger was justified. I say the same as I mentioned in point 2 ^ above there. I mean I feel like I use logic to argue but make it such that my tone is somewhat angry, sad, hurt and threatening all at the same time.
    What he says is he again brings up the good things he’s done in the past and says “Am I not enough for you?” or “Do you even take into consideration how I feel” which doesn’t make sense if he was the one who technically ‘did the wrong’. I don’t know if I’m being self righteous or all these are very justifiable.

    // On a side note, I’ve started to feel numb to him the past 3 days. I’m not sure if it’s my subconscious trying to shield me from possibly getting hurt or something, but when I say I love you, it feels empty. In the last 3 days I’ve only said it once and really have been trying to avoid saying it because I just don’t know how I’m feeling. I really don’t know if I deserve better or I need to learn to be more realistic.

    #224377
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ayumi:

    I re-read and studied your original post and your second post. This is my understanding:

    Your dishonest manipulation of him worked short term but not long term, Notice Chole’s share above, same thing.  She wrote: “I kept suggesting a break… in order to make him compromise. He did to a certain extent at first but gradually fed up with me and ignored me

    “To a certain extent at first” is the short term success.

    “gradually fed up with me and ignored me” is the long term failure.

    Let’s look at the long term failure you already experienced by suggesting breakups to your boyfriend:

    “For the past 6 months, we have Skyped every day… now he doesn’t want to do that… he recently stopped telling me about little things.. He doesn’t say anything like that anymore! He even admitted to ignoring my message… And it’s not as if he even talks to me when he’s done!”

    Basically, for the purpose of preserving the monthly celebrations of the date you met your boyfriend, you have been killing his feelings for you and sacrificing the relationship itself so that the relationship is not likely to arrive at that yearly anniversary!

    And then, you are killing your own feelings for him, “I’ve started to feel numb to him the past 3 days”.

    The dishonest manipulation, plus you initiating arguments with him (“I’m always the one starting it”), is moving the relationship to its ending. Now, even if the relationship lasts, he will not be happy in it and neither will you.

    And so, I do agree with your evaluation that you are “the toxic one in the relationship”, and that indeed you are the one who needs to change, not him (“I want to change but it’s so hard for me”).

    First thing I suggest is to let go of those monthsaries. Cross them off your calendar. Celebrate the traditional yearly anniversary if you make it to the year.

    Second, no more arguments. Discuss things honestly and respectfully, listen to him, consider his position and his feelings. Don’t get stuck in what you want and proceed to do anything that comes to mind to get what you want. Instead, evaluate what you want. Ask yourself: is it really so important, can I live without this one thing?

    Ask yourself: is there something more important (love, relationship) that I am sacrificing for something less important (monthsaries)?

    I hope to read more from you.

    anita

     

    #224411
    Ayumi
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you so much for your insight. I believe this is really, in fact, a wake-up call to myself. I do not want this relationship to end and neither does he. We both do know we are each others’ soulmates and will never find anyone else. In the past 6 months, he has brought me so much joy just as I have brought for him; to which I simply forget when I am angry.

    I love him so much, so I am going to make the effort to change. No more arguments, but simply mature discussions.

    Monthsaries seem really dumb in hindsight in the long run. I am not sure why I placed a lot of emphasis on it. Maybe because of the subconscious pressure from my friends who do celebrate it often.

    Thank you once again for your insight 🙂

    Another thing, however, I feel that contributes to all of these personal focuses on the little things instead of the big picture stems from my somewhat short-sightedness without considering the future. I realise this hasn’t only impacted my relationship, but my studies too. Do you have any advice on how to correct this impulsivity or short-sightedness of mine?

    Additionally, I feel like I derive happiness from doing things and then getting recognition for others. How can I learn to love myself? I have struggled with this for years. I don’t know how to handle this.

    I hope to hear from you again. 🙂

    #224427
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Ayumi,

    Hope you don’t mind that I have posted here since you have addressed the post to Anita. She has given remarkable advice as always and you have taken it in a very positive way which shows your sincerity.

    As a response to your last post,

    Reduce impulsivity by mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises. Some amount of impulsivity will always be there. Introduce pauses during the course of your day by reflecting on short vs long term consequences. The more you do it the better you become.

    Learning to love yourself begins by recognizing that no matter what has happened in your life, you have an intrinsic self worth. Believing that is first and foremost. Understand what it is that prevents you from loving yourself. It could be something that you have habitually been told or something that you habitually tell yourself. Challenge that with realistic and rational statements.

    From your example in this situation you have already done that nicely.

    What you have written initially is that “I am the toxic person in this relationship”. When you say that to yourself you can modify that to something like – “I am not toxic all the time, there are so many beautiful things that I have done in this relationship. I may have done some things that are toxic but that does not make me a toxic person. Rather I will work at it and do my best to nurture this relationship.”

    Whenever you find yourself talking to yourself in a self berating way you replace it with a more realistic self nurturing response. The more you take care of your well being, the less you will find the need to derive happiness and recognition from others.

    Hope this helps

    Take care.

    #224429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ayumi:

    You are welcome and of course you’ll hear from me again, anytime you post, I will be glad to reply. Right now I am not very focused. I would like to return to your thread tomorrow morning, about 16 hours from now.

    Before I return maybe you can you elaborate on “I have struggled with this for years”?

    Also, if you can add your approximate age, if you are attending school or working, living at home/elsewhere and near future plans, please do.

    anita

    #224457
    Ayumi
    Participant

    Hi Prash,

    Thank you for your input. I’ll definitely try some of those. I always thought that such methods never worked so I never committed to them but I really want to try to change because I hate who I’m becoming.

     

    #224459
    Ayumi
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I, for now, have depression and general anxiety disorder. I’ve struggled with this since I was 7 but it’s started to affect my life as I’m growing older.

    I’m 18 this year and I’m in my final year in Pre-University. I’m living at home with my parents and younger sister. A lot is going on between the parents too but that can be for another day.

    Anyway, I plan on simply heading to university after my final year here and move in with my boyfriend on-campus at the residential blocks. We are planning to head for the same university by the way. I want to be a better person so that I can improve my relationship with everyone around me. I feel like as of late I’ve been awful to everyone; more than usual. So with all my long-term plans ahead, it’s the reason why I’m desperately wanting to change myself for the better.

    I hope you are doing fine anita. You should take a break too 🙂

    #224477
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ayumi:

    I am fine, thank you. And I do take breaks. Activity here has been slow lately. I am looking forward to more activity, really.

    These are my recommendations following reading your most recent post:

    First, most important, crucial: “I want to be a better person so that I can improve my relationship with everyone around me”- not a good plan, and following I will explain why I believe it is not a good plan.

    Your significant anxiety and depression which exist since you were seven, if not before, started in the context of your family, living and interacting with your parents. Your parents created your anxiety and depression by the nature of their interactions with you and their interactions with each other (that you witnessed). If you aim at improving your relationships with your parents, you will get stuck in a trap that will keep you anxious and depressed.

    Because it is not that you at seven and onward who did something wrong that caused the relationships with your parents to not be good, they did lots of things wrong. (How do I know? A child is highly motivated to please the parents and reaches out to the parents repeatedly with love)

    It is not within your power to improve the relationships with your parents.

    If you give up the aim of improving your relationships with your parents, then you will be able to improve your mental well being and your relationships with other people, including your boyfriend.

    Moving away from home reads excellent to me. Learning interpersonal relationship skills is a good plan, how to interact effectively with your boyfriend. Maybe there are good articles on the italicized on the home page. I bet there are books and workbooks on the matter.

    Effective psychotherapy or counseling on campus or presently, if available for you is a very good idea.

    If you re-read Prash’s excellent post to you, he listed some very effective and necessary intrapersonal skills, such as meditation and mindfulness. You can read about Mindfulness under Blogs on the home page here. It is about the slowing down of the brain and therefore of our actions while paying attention. Mindfulness is a lifetime process, should be. It never stops.

    When we slow down, pause, pay attention we are able to think before we speak and then speak in a way that helps us and others, not in a way we regret later. We are able to prevent a lot of problems, able to use our time better and get needed results.

    Post again anytime you’d like. We can communicate more and more (no time limit to the threads that I know about).

    anita

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