Hi,
I am struggling with self worth and belief in myself.
I have never been sure about what I wanted to do in life. My expectations out of a career were just- respectable, comfortable, interesting and ethical. However, I have always considered myself driven. With these broad requirements at my hand, my career choices have been through rejection of options rather than selecting any option. It’s as if I don’t know myself.
Given this, my parents rightly guided me towards giving an exam for my country’s Civil Services. This career path definitely has all the requirements I desire and also is very flexible, giving me the choice to explore diverse fields.
This is a very Indian Competitive Exam scenario.  The goal being set, I just had to graduate in any subject to be able to give this exam- so I completed my Bachelors in English Literature last year. The plan was to give my best to this exam as soon as I am eligible to sit for it. So it was decided that June 19- June 20, I’d sit at home and prepare for this exam.
However, last whole year has been a disaster instead. I have studied so inconsistently that it is almost equivalent to not having studied at all.  The loss of how it has messed up my attempt is still less than what it has done to my belief in myself.
Throughout last year I have seen myself repeat the cycle of starting things up, studying okayishly, not meeting targets, still trying, getting demotivated, then a huge gulf of a month (or even two!) of nothingness and worthlessness, then starting again, making up plans (knowing that they will most probably not be attained) and the cycle continues. I have almost come to hate my lack of will and determination. I cannot even hold true to my plans.
This cycle has taken out all self worth from me. I know this cycle well, and know the tools to help me maintain it too- exercising, meditation, consistency, some degree of stubbornness. And I try them out, too. But I somehow know that even all this wouldn’t last.
It’s not as if this career path is to blame for this inconsistency- if I were to do anything worthwhile, it would require all this dedication from me anyway. And I think this is the best of all options available right now, and I will regret it later in life if I don’t give my best. There is no dearth of reason why I should go in for this career choice in particular.
This career path was “The Plan”, for at least last 6-7 years. I have left many more traditionally lucrative options for appearing in this exam. It just crushes you when it doesn’t seem to work, and only you are the sole cause.
I talked to someone about it and they said that such dedication and perseverance can come only if I desire it from deep within my gut.
But the problem is- that I don’t desire it from my gut. Anyone’s response to this would be- “So what do you desire?”. My response is again, “I don’t know!”. I used to have this image of myself as a driven person. It is frustrating how that seems to be shattered. I still want to be driven, and that too, toward this exam, but it’s just that “you can’t will what you will”.
Someone reading this might think, “Oh maybe it’s too much of pressure”, but it isn’t. I haven’t done even 40% of what is required out of a serious candidate for this exam.
I am not even sure what to expect from any response to this. Because fundamentally the problem lies in my inconsistency and lack of hard work.

• This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.