In-laws have torn us apart..what now? :'(

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This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 8, 2015 at 11:27 pm #79554

jj2013
Participant

Hi everyone,

I don’t know what to do anymore. My husband and I are in our mid-20’s, have been married for almost 2 years, we don’t have any kids, and have always worked wonderful together…until his family became psychotic and manipulative maniacs. He is scared to stand up to them and doesn’t see it necessary to defend me and I have made sure he knows how I feel about them being how they are towards me. All the women in his family (mom, aunt, grandma) are all divorced and I think this is the reason he is so close with the women in his family. When I say close, I mean sickly close, he stopped kissing his mom on the lips at the age of 24. She is to this day upset about that, he understands is not normal and so we live.

I don’t know why his mom is being like this to me all of a sudden, for about a year and a half now. Maybe she doesn’t like how he is now married and has a new woman in his life? Long story short, his mom and aunt have done so much crap to me and he has NEVER said anything to them about it. He doesn’t need to called them a flipping b*tch BUT if that is the only way then please do so. We have tried the no contact idea…he gave in when his mommy texted him a sad face about the fact how he is “ignoring (her) texts messages” yet she ignored the long message he sent to her a few days before stating that he will not be talking to her for the “next while as (she) is not healthy for our relationship.”

He keeps defending them all no matter what they say to me or do and it kills me!!! Recently he admitted his mom was wrong about keeping me waiting for about a year and a half to return $1500 to me that I borrowed to her, initially she said she would give it back in “1 month,” we have proof that on many occasions she had the ability to return the money. My husband also admitted it was disrespectful that she posted a picture on facebook with his ex girlfriend’s family for everyone to see; furthermore, my husband knows it was disrespectful how she told the ex girlfriend to contact my husband about buying some toy for her son (my husband is not the father of her child). Anyway, he admitted to a lot of stuff that his family did wrong BUT he just cant tell them this. He is scared, insecure, immature, I don’t know what you want to call it, but he has never stood up for me and told them in their face about this. This kills be as we are now living separate and apart, he has seen me cry, scream my eyes out crying for him to do something if he CARES about US…he never did anything. Sooner or later he will come running back to me, what do I say? What do I do? I absolutely refuse to be with him if he even considers maintaining contact with them. Period.

I asked him to tell me what it was that I ever did to them to give them a reason to be like this to me…he didn’t know what to say. He sees they are 100% wrong in all of this but doesn’t want to confront them about it.

Do I move on? File for divorce? Wait for him to contact me (at least about coming to get his stuff from this apartment where we live)?

If there are any men reading this, I would greatly appreciate your reply to this as I would like to hear your perspective on this and if you have ever been in a situation like this. What did you do? Did you pick your “family” or did you pick your wife? How did your wife handle the stress?

Ladies reading this, I would like to hear your feedback too, and am I insane for making him pick between me or them? Or am I making him pick between the two in order to protect my own sanity and my marriage?

I look forward to your replies, sorry for the long post, I dont know how to shorten it, just so much stuff :'(

Yours truly,
– Very sad jj 🙁

July 9, 2015 at 4:13 am #79562
Inky
Participant
Hi jj2013,

OK, some of the advice you may not like, but it can be kind of relevant in other aspects of life. Here we go:

1. Your DH was a little too immature to get married. Sure, he was the right age, but boys take a little longer to mature. Even in the ancient world in China he would still be (naturally) a momma’s boy no matter who his mother was. My own DH was devoted to his mother and she was revered. Thankfully for me, she was “normal”.

2. When you marry a person you are related to his family. You cannot make him “choose”. You’re asking him to make a choice where there is no choice.

3. Don’t lend money a second time. When you lend money (the first and only time) often, sadly, it turns into a “gift”. You may never see the money again. Let it go.

4. HE can deal with his family all he wants. YOU don’t have to deal with them at all! Tell him that you are taking a “break” from THEM. He can visit, but YOU do not want to hear about it OR hear what they have to say OR what they have done. You are jamming in your own happy universe!

5. Move back with your DH. You are his wife. Don’t let “them” win! YES, you CAN have your own happy marriage and not deal with them at all!

6. Train your DH to text them only once a day, call them only once a week and visit them only once a month for HIS OWN mental health reasons. TRAVEL during the holidays, see YOUR family, OR host your OWN dinner in your OWN house! If he wants to see them, though, HE can! I come from a “broken home” and am used to celebrating holidays NOT on the actual holiday!!

7. The ex… phhht, please! She will forever be in the wings with the mother and is probably not even interested! Let the mother have her fantasy!

8. Most of this problem will go away when you MOVE.

Blessings,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
July 9, 2015 at 7:21 am #79567

Anonymous
Guest

Dear very sad jj:
I can read throughout your post how strongly, how intensely you feel about your husband’s family and his relationship with them. I can read how strongly aversive you are to his family and to your husband having any relationship with them- or any relationship other than what you believe he should have.

With your aversion, with your strong position, with your anger, I do not see how you can live with your husband and not make him- and yourself- terribly miserable.

It is a good thing you do not have children. It will be oh, so very wrong, I believe, to bring a child to this conflict, intense, ongoing conflict.

I believe that for as long as you feel the way you do, it is not a good idea to resume living together.

anita

July 15, 2015 at 10:57 pm #79932

jj2013
Participant

Hi Inky,
Thanks for your reply! I agree with you and now do understand that he was too immature to get married… The reason I am making him choose is because on a number of occasions I have asked him to go talk to them and set the line with what is morally correct and what is not. He doesn’t want to hurt their feelings and they take advantage of this and they keep pushing. His mom asks him via text message, “how is THE wife?” like kidding me right? anything they do or say is targeted towards getting under my skin. I told him to choose who he wants because I cant live like this and he isn’t doing anything about it so, the choice is his.

His mom returned the money to me but several month ago she had asked for $500 (this was before she returned the original amount), I said “no” and she of course hated me even more because of that, but I wasn’t going to be stupid a second time.

You say in point 4 for me to ignore their existence basically. Allow my husband to go there and just tell him that I don’t want to hear anything they have done or have to say. Well what happens when kids are born? I would under no circumstance allow MY children to go to such a toxic house where they will be doing as the please and brainwashing my kids as they brainwash my husband.

Us moving back in would require them gone out of our lives. Please understand that every day there is something that he and I argue about and it always in relation to them. That is why I am saying he needs to completely cut them out for a period of time, just to see how happy we can be and then when he sees that, he would be willing to draw the line with them.

I like your idea in point #6, I just wonder what he would say to that. We are not on a talking basis right now in regards to anything to do with “us”. He had made it clear he wasn’t 4-6 month of living separate and apart. That is how sick his family is and brainwashed him into that mentality.

The ex…I don’t care about it to be honest, it’s just that it clearly shows his mother’s respect towards me… obviously I don’t like it.

Thanks for the response again, I really appreciate it!
jj2013

July 15, 2015 at 11:01 pm #79933

jj2013
Participant

Hi Anita,
I see what you are saying. But do you see to what point they have all pushed me? I don’t think I will ever in my life change my opinion of his family, they have done way too many things to hurt me and I would only be naive and stupid to forget. He on the other hand, needs to man up and stand up for his wife and marriage. In all honestly I don’t care about them, it’s the fact that they can manipulate him that drives me crazy.

🙁

July 16, 2015 at 3:12 am #79939

Inky
Participant

Hi jj2013,

Well, wait a decade before the kids are born LOL!

Believe it or not, you will be shown a little more outward respect because they will WANT to see their grandbabies.

What I have done with the other side of the family is say, “OUR kids” i.e. “Look, our kid won the game!” or even say, “A doctor she’ll be! She takes after your (___) side, doesn’t she?” (I know you’d never say this LOL). Well, let me tell you, it works! When you bring them all on “the same team” with you via the kids everyone’s happier. That said, DO NOT have children with him yet!

I know you are in the midst of a toxic brew. Moving is your best option here.

Inky

July 16, 2015 at 8:00 am #79947

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jj2013:

You asked me if I see “to what point they have all pushed me?”

Oh, oh, my thinking goes… trouble! If you feel that you are a thing that was pushed- that you are not responsible to your feelings, that you are only reacting, passively reacting to … forces greater than yourself (the powerful parents in law and the whimpy husband)- that the only way for you to feel better is when THEY stop pushing you and when HE pushes them on his own, you are in great trouble.

And so is your husband.

This is the beginning of a miserable life for you and for him.

Stop being the victim, if you want better results. Let go of your attachment to what YOU think needs to be done (he manning up). If you can’t – leave the marriage and spare you and him a lifetime misery. If you can- there is hope for the marriage.

I feel strongly about my position here, this is why I state it with such confidence. Of course there are many factors I do not know about your life and situation. This is what I gather from what I read and from my life experience.

anita

September 24, 2015 at 8:05 pm #84067

jj2013
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thanks again for the reply, as you can see, I have been away and just isolated from the world. His mother ended up texting him, “did you go to a lawyer yet?” … I was furious with this but it’s not his fault she is a b*tch and asked this…BUT it is his fault how he responded. He said, “no” then she asked “why?” and he said “because I didn’t have time.” YOU CAN IMMAGINE WHAT HAPENED when I saw this text message conversation in his phone. WHY would he say that?? I KNEW his b*tch would ask him about this one say and bring up “lawyer” and I ASKED him about it and he said, “no, we didn’t talk about that ever.” Well that’s not what I saw when I went through his phone. Anyway… lots of time went by and he and I got back together…for a month. Just recently when we broke up again, I kicked him out, he took all his stuff with him, it was due to the fact that he did not want to give me his phone password. Why? Because you have something to hide? A big boy like you can’t control his mother? You are planning something against me?? I lost it and he was out, I wasn’t going to deal with it anymore.

haha I like your idea of saying “our” and building a “team” but I can’t even see myself eating with her across the table from me not to mention referring to my things, especially my kids, as “hers too.”

I do want us to move away but I just got a fabulous job and his work has kicked off good too. It would be a financial loss for us to move 🙁 she should go back home, she has been in this country for over 3 months now, life would be better if she goes back to where she came from, far, far away from us.

jj

September 24, 2015 at 8:11 pm #84068

jj2013
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply once again. I understand what you say but it’s just that he and I cant be apart from each other yet we cant be together. Anita, if he was to only change a few things, it would be like a BRAND NEW life for us. I completed my schooling this year and have my convocation in a month…I do what him there, he was by me the whole time I was attending school and was always supportive, even drove me to school a few times in the winters when it was cold. He deserves my diploma just as much as I do. Further to your comment about letting go of attachments, how do I let go of the idea that I need him to change? 🙁

jj

September 25, 2015 at 4:47 am #84077

jock
Participant

When you marry someone , you marry their family too. From what you’ve written, I’d feel pessimistic about your marriage. My opinion? Move on…

February 17, 2017 at 1:42 am #127983

jj2013
Participant

Hi everyone,

Thought I’d give an update since the original post, I always enjoy reading the “what ended up happening?”

Hubby and I are still married and are now happily living together. We have not had 1 single problem for over a year now. It was hard but he realized that his mother was a poisonous snake (and that is me saying it in a nice way), his own decision was to cut all contact with her over a year ago. We decided to get away and go on vacation at the end of 2015, I kindly asked him to not tell anyone in his family that we were going on vacation and WHEN we were going. He promised me it would be fine and decided to tell them…as soon as we get to the Caribbean, his mom starts bombarding with various provocations and things greatly blow up. I am not a fortune teller and I did not lie to him, but I knew his mom was going to try to destroy the “amends” vacation we went on. I was searching for flights to go back home early from vacation, that is how bad it was. I don’t know what happened in his head but he completely changed, he stood up for me for the first time, told her to not address me the way she does when talking to him, to leave us alone, etc.

There has not been 1 night, since we came back from vacation, that we went to bed feeling angry or upset with each other, and no, I am not exaggerating when I say that.

His aunt knows better than to ask about me and same with his grandma. He still talks to them, I don’t have a problem with this. He did say that he would never go over for dinner unless he brings me too. This is his way of turning the table on them now. They are not welcome in our home as I am sure I am not welcome in his aunt’s boyfriend’s home either (his mom and grandma live in Europe).

No kids yet, but we have been talking and hope to start trying for our first sometime this summer. He was very supportive of my decision to complete a 2nd program of post secondary education and I have been supportive in all his business aspirations. We truly function well together.

It would be nice to eventually make amends with his mom, aunt, and grandma, but it really is not a concern for me. With multiple failed marriages amongst those 3 women, I am not surprised that they don’t get along with me who tries to the max to always fix things and never give up. yes, it is a pity my children will not be around those 3 women, but they have themselves to thank for that. My husband doesn’t have anything to say about this because, he himself admitted that his mother was trying to destroy our marriage so why should a snake like that be around the children of that marriage? Logical reasoning, no math required.

I once again thank everyone for their input and support, I know I didn’t do as @kornfield (jock) said but I never give up things I deserve easy. Fight for what you want and deserve in life. As I always say, If you can’t make yourself happy, you can’t expect someone else to be able to 🙂

February 17, 2017 at 7:09 pm #128139

Anonymous
Guest

Dear jj2013:

What a lovely update! Thank you for remembering your thread and being back with these good news.

So glad your husband stood by you and is standing by you. He made such progress that he now makes more sense than you: you wrote, “it is a pity my children will not be around those 3 women” and he asked, “why should a snake like that be around the children of that marriage?”-

See, he makes more sense, hope you listen to his good sense on the matter of his mother!

anita
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