May 28, 2013 at 8:58 am #36187TamaraParticipant
I have been through alot in the last few years with my husband and my inlaws. About 6 years ago my husband and i are were happily getting married, shortly after we got married i got pregnant with our first child. In this time my hubby’s sister had moved across country to live in the same province as us ( not to be with us, but she wanted to live in this province). Anyways my husband went through such a hard time in our marriage over normal things like money, parenting etc… but we fought mostly about my relationship with his sister. Her and i have never connected and felt even more like we were forced to be friends. It never worked at all. My hubby bullied me and called me names in front of our new baby. I was upset and cried alot. I was really worried we were not going to make it through the first year. His sister would have attitude towards me and would some time come to our house and completely ignore me. I feel like i have tried my best to get along with her but find her to be such a difficult person to be around as i never know if she is upset at me for something i said or if she even likes me.My hubby also has gone behind my back and told his sister stuff that i have said about her which the worst i ever said she was a bitch. Her husband doesn’t like me and i barley know the guy. After 6 years my husband has finally seen my side of this and sees that im not the only one with attitude and being a bitch ( i am not innocent at all, i had attitude from the way my husband treated me and from her attitude as well). My husband and i have worked through this and have been in a better place now. I am not a confident person, but i do share how i feel, so i wrote my sister in law a letter on how i felt in those years and never blamed her for how i felt but did let her know how i felt in the letter. She did take the letter the wrong way and was pissed. We live an hour away from her and dont see her that much (she calls or comes down when our kids birthdays and at Christmas). the problem is when she texts me or my hubby i get overwhelmed with emotion, i honestly have to admit that i don’t like her and felt that i have too cause we are family. my hubby tgells me that i have to deal with her and i should stop worrying. I guess i don’t trust my hubby or his family. I have tried talking to my mother in law and i believe she goes and tells her daughter what i have said, just by some of the stuff she says back to me.
I guess what im asking is how do i be ok with my inlaws after all this and be ok with the fact that i dont like my sister in law and i will have to be around her some.
Thanks and sorry for writing so much. Just need some adviceMay 28, 2013 at 12:31 pm #36200Buddhist WifeParticipant
I think that you don’t have to like her one little bit. I think it’s crazy when people try to obligate others to get along. Sometimes personalities just clash. Sometimes people in the same birth family don’t get along, never mind in-laws!
I think what you do have to do, for your own sake and that of your family, is at least behave respectfully and politely towards her when you do see her.
I think that she has to do the same as well, and your husband has to support you in this if she crosses the line.
Ignoring you or disrespecting you in your own home is not acceptable.
So if I were you, I would take some time when your Husband is relaxed and in a good mood and tell him you want to talk about the situation with your Sister-in-law. Tell him that you want to draw a line under what has happened between you in the past and start afresh. Tell him that to reduce tension, when you do see her you want it to be on neutral ground as much as possible, e.g. at your Mother-in-Laws. Tell him that for his sake and your Sister-in-Laws you think it would be better if the two of them did not discuss you as this leads to misunderstandings and extra tension. Tell him that given that he is your Husband you expect him to have your back and not allow her to behave disrespectfully, particularly when she is visiting your home. This means acknowledging your existence and just generally being a polite house guest – which she should be anyway.
Tell him that from now on you will be super polite and civil towards her, and that you are going to forget all the difficult things that have gone before.
Don’t tell him that you love her, that you are going to try to be her BFF, because it’s wrong of him to expect that of you.
Then, if he responds positively from that point on stick to your word. Don’t back bite about her to him or bitch about her to anyone else.
When you do have to see her, stick to your word. Be polite and courteous but don’t try to be her best friend or do anything that you don’t really feel. If you try to be more friendly then you feel she will probably sense you are being false anyway.
If she tries to get a rise out of you or provoke you, ignore it. Just respond with a smile and get yourself out of the situation.
I hope that by doing this you will be living down the bad stuff that happened in the past, while not being a push over. You will also be taking the higher ground in this very difficult situation.
In your heart you may feel frustrated, annoyed by her presence and angry about this whole situation, but that feeling probably isn’t going to go away anytime soon, so the most you can do is damage limitation.
I hope you can find some peace with this situation.