Dear MisunderstoodAutistic:

Yes, I do have the tendency to assume and pass judgment, something that I have been improving about myself quite successfully, but I have more work to do. I am sorry that you feel judged and I admit that it seems to me that you’ve been unfair to your sister. By suggesting it previously, and trying to talk with you about it, my hope was that maybe your relationship with her will improve as a result, and that your life will be easier for it.

Regarding your diagnosis, I am glad that you took advantage of the opportunity to correct my misunderstanding of what it means to be autistic, as well as the opportunity to correct possible misunderstandings of anyone reading your thread.

You wrote: “Autism is a disability not a mental health diagnosis“-

– although Autism spectrum disorder is listed in the current American Diagnostic Statistical and Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), a handbook used by healthcare professionals to diagnose mental health conditions,  autism is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder.

“developmental disorders and mental illnesses are defined, treated, and managed very differently…. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), a developmental disability is “a severe, long-term disability that can affect cognitive ability, physical functioning, or both. These disabilities appear before age 22 and are likely to be lifelong. The term ‘developmental disability’ encompasses intellectual disability but also includes physical disabilities.” (very well health. com).

“She deliberately had (hot water) turned off and cut off“- I didn’t understand this earlier. It is cruel to do this, especially during the winter!

“Are you saying that laziness is a mental health illness?“-  if one’s laziness is so acute that it leads to a severely dysfunctional life, then I’d say the person suffers from a mental illness of some sort.

“She didn’t acknowledge my illness.. instead she got angry with me“- you shared that you were diagnosed last year at the age of 38, and it seems like much of the reason you had a severe falling out with your sister is that she didn’t acknowledge your autism. How was your relationship with her before your diagnosis?

If you choose to not answer me, that’s fine, I understand, and hope that perhaps another member will communicate with you more successfully.

anita

Dear MisunderstoodAutistic:

I am glad that you addressed me again, and I read that you no longer require help with this matter. Nonetheless, I want to say a few things before leaving your thread, things that I am sure will not hurt you, and may help you or someone reading your threads, someone who- like you- was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as an adult (you are a 39 year-old woman who was diagnosed in 2021, at age 38).

“Things in the UK, where I am from are a lot different to the US.  I don’t think that we treat Autism the same way that you do“- I just came across a clear, easy to understand (and British) National Health Service website on Autism Spectrum Disorder, it reads:

“Signs of Autism in Adults: As you age and experience different environments, life events, and circumstances, you might notice different signs of autism… Relationships and being social: As an autistic adult, you might: * find socialising hard work…  * have had relationships with friends or partners end because you couldn’t understand how each other thought, behaved, and communicated… * enjoy spending time with other people, but find activities that don’t have clear ‘rules’ or a schedule.. difficult because you aren’t sure what to do * prefer meeting up with people to do structured activities, like cooking or taking part in a shared hobby or interest

“Communication and emotions: As an autistic adult, you might: * find other people often misunderstand you, or seem upset by things you say even if you don’t mean to upset them * find it hard to understand why people around you see a situation one way, and not the way you understand it. * find change more difficult than most people do – things that disrupt your daily routine… can make you feel stressed and anxious”.

“Autistic traits and diagnosis: Autistic traits – meaning things that autistic people often do, think, and feel – are often shared by people who don’t have autism too. This doesn’t mean that everyone is ‘a little bit autistic’, or that autistic people don’t need support. To be diagnosed with autism, a person has to have a lot of autistic traits from birth, and those traits need to have a big effect on their life. In order to be diagnosed with autism, those traits must cause what a healthcare professional would call ‘clinically significant difficulties’ in their day-to-day life. This means that they have difficulties with day-to-day life due to their autistic traits and need to use their own ways of overcoming those difficulties, or the people in their life need to help them to overcome them, or both. Being in a supportive environment makes a big difference to an autistic person’s wellbeing and quality of life”.

Back to your recent posts: “The point I was trying to make was that my sister is a nurse, she has a degree in psychology and has worked with Autistic people previously, therefore, I felt that she should have some understanding of how my Autism affects me and be more compassionate and supporting of my needs instead of completely invalidating me… She has no sympathy whatsoever for my health issues“- she did not give you the “supportive environment” (see above quote from the NHS website) that you needed, one that would have made a big difference for you.

From your original post: “I’d tried very hard to get counselling for my Autism related issues, but just kept being passed around and never got any actual help“- you received no medical support in regard to your diagnosed autism, and no emotional-social support from your sister.

“My sister.. didn’t clean…  no hot running water, broken sink, her mess everywhere, including dirty pots in the bath, kitchen floor, living room etc… I have mental health problems, but I still clean up after myself“- reads like she has mental health problems too.

“She didn’t acknowledge my illness and the fact I became unable to do as much as I had been doing“- reads like she did not acknowledge her own (mental) illness, and that she too is unable to do as much as she used to do, and that’s why her flat is such a mess.

“Being autistic, I struggle to make decisions, struggle to do things at the last minute, struggle with a lot of things and I asked for support to help me with these things“- reads like you asked for support from a woman who is also struggling and is in need for support herself. I wish that the two of you were able to support each other, and that she never screamed and otherwise mistreated you! I am sorry that she mistreated you!!!

“she threw the fact that she is a nurse, has the qualifications etc. in my face saying that because of these things, she KNOWS that my issues are not Autism related“-

– even a nurse with a degree in psychology can suffer from mental illness. Cambridge. org/ mental health of nurses in the uk: “… Discussion: This brief overview of the literature reveals high levels of reported mental health problems among nurses, and mental health nurses in particular. This should be a reason for concern for both the Government and the nursing profession. A vigorous debate is required to establish underlying causes and possible solutions…”.

It will help every person who is struggling to understand that… everyone struggles in one way or another, and most people struggle significantly. We should all support each other because we are all… struggling. This is not to take away from your Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis, but to encourage you to have a better experience in your new and current living arrangement with your friend (“My situation has changed anyway, a friend of mine has taken me in“, today, Dec 6, on the other thread).

anita