Dear Betty,

I had wise advice from a counselor just before my divorce. She told me my ex would develop his own relationship with our child and I should not try to control that, makes excuses for my ex,  or apologize to my child for his behavior. The best thing to do is to comfort your child when their father disappoints them. Acknowledge their hurt, but don’t apologize or try to fix it. You are responsible for your relationship with you child and your ex is responsible for his relationship with your child. My child is an adult now. Kids figure it all out on their own.

Hi Betty,

I agree with all the above.  Good for you for not bad mouthing their dad to them.  That negativity will do as much damage as any disappointing behavior from their dad.

Although painful for you and for your children, their dad’s disappointing behavior is really a valuable tool in helping your kids learn about relationships.  If you can be there for them to talk to in as non-judgmental a way as possible, you will be helping them understand their feelings, which will help them develop strength to not only deal with their dad, but with other people who disappoint them.

You don’t want to “lead” them into what they are feeling, but giving them ideas on putting words to their feelings will help define those feelings.  They may express their disappointment in any number of ways…anger, sadness, stone face.  Acknowledging whatever they may be feeling – never telling them it’s wrong to feel whatever they are feeling – will help them know it’s okay for them to feel however they feel.  Then help them figure out where they go from there.

Also help them understand that the way they deal with their dad’s behavior today may be different than the way they deal with it in the future.

Wishing you and your children peace.

Airene