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In two minds, in need of advice

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 9 months ago.

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  • #196683

    None
    Participant

    Hi!

    I am here for a piece of advice and would really aporeciate if anyone shares their view on the situation i am in because right now i am realy indecisive.

    So… I have known this guy for an year now and more than six months ago he was really warm to me when i was feeling really bad and when there was nobody around to be beside me. One night i got really sad and drunk a lot till I passed out and people called an ambulance. Luckily, i just have low blood pressure and by the time the ambulance came i was alright. Thatguy i am writing about was around and wheb i was feeling good i told him i wanna speak with him, though he is really shy and introverted, he did not refuse and stayed with me and we talked for hours.(mainly i was complaining about work and we were colleagues then) Then in the morning when i had to leave he hugged me which made me feel really warm and kind of happy as i have not received such an affectionate attitude for a long , long time.

    One or two months water he invted me to his lecture. The latter was on a book i have taken from him and i thought he really wanted it back. I could not attend the lecture due to problems he was aware of and i went to work to give him the book and he was really nice and smiley again and offered me to call him so that we can meet some time. I could find the time for the latter but i made him a christmas present at an event we bith attended and then he again hugged me for goodbye.

    I was really makng plans to invite him to meet around St. Valentines day, but still did not do it because i am a coward maybe. I saw that he was at some club where his favourite band played their love songs and my heart sank. By the way, i am airt of his biggest fan on facebook and really like his work ideas and posts after 14th February i barely liked a pist of his and he then barely made such.

    I now see that he is attending another event and i really wonder if he is with someone and was just pkaying me for attention. I think of writing to him nearly every week but i neither want to be the fool that is writing to a man that is with somwbody else, nor i wanna put him in discomfort of wondering how to refuse if he first one is true. Is it too late or what. Should i just try and maybe be the screwed idiot again… i beg you for advice. I am not good in relationships 😡 neither in realising somebidy likes ne as it seems far too good to happen.

    #196735

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    Welcome back.

    As I understand it,  one night you felt sad, drank too much alcohol, passed out, and were taken to a hospital. This guy was around you part of that time and following the incident you spent hours with him through the night. In the morning he gave you a hug which made you “feel really warm and kind of happy as (you) have not received such an affectionate attitude for a long, long time.”

    Months later, you are wondering if to initiate contact with him, and you added: “I am not good in relationships neither in realizing somebody likes me as it seems far too good to happen”. Did I understand correctly?

    In a previous post you wrote that your mother told you repeatedly that people use you, or are likely to use you and that you are naïve. Do you believe her, and if you do, is that the reason that it seems too good to be true that a guy will genuinely like you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by  anita.
    #196745

    None
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply, really thanks!

    You have understood the story correctly except or the fact that that guy just “donated” me just an hour or so of his attention for having conversation which i we pribably should not-and i apologized to him several times for taking his time for my problems) i did not spend the while night talking or with him.

    Well, I can definitely say that i don’t think he is using me, yet it seems far too goid to be that lucky to me. In my previous relationships i have been dumped either for other girls or for not being a trash for mental rubbish for the other part. Tgat is why it seems to good to be true. Plus, this man has so many people that he knows that he could have probably started going out with someobe else. Hiw I am supposed to know, anyway. He posts pics of himself at events and i cannot tell if he is with someone or not and if i message him to invite him somewhere i could get nyself in a really dull situation if he is seeing someone else, yet if he is not and i do not bother to invite i could miss the opportunity for being with him(not talking even for something serious ,but for just grabbing cup f coffee, fo example) and he would porbably feel really dumb for asking me to write to him when i am around so that we can meet.

    Sorry, i am being really messy with my words, but that’s what is in my head right now.

    I do not believe my mum’s words. I might think i am the problem…

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by  None.
    #196751

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    You are welcome. The other guys with their “mental rubbish”- they were not too good to be true, but this guy seems together, not having … mental rubbish, so too good to be interested in you, correct?

    What do you mean by “mental rubbish”?

    anita

    #196753

    None
    Participant

    I did not used words correctly- i meant that most of the guys would spend time with me just because I am not talkative, yet I listen to others’ problems and the “relationship” i had last years was just the case. Everybody could come and talk to me when they have problems(as they throw their problems at me like I am a bin), but when I do the connection is lost or i am either crazy and imagine things or get insults.

    No, this guy is totally different story- for now. He is really shy(I can tell by his behavior) and introverted and when I talked to him that night he spoke in a way that he could not offerend anyone in any any(only good or nothing/or the obvious). Well, he could be interested in me, yet by the time I try to put myself together he could possibly find someone else(just like the other in my life). That is why I ask you here if you think  it is normal to write to him now.

    #196755

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    This guy seems different because he didn’t tell you his problems, didn’t use you like a bin for his problems, someone to listen to him, being shy and introverted.

    I was wondering, if you would like to explain, what you meant by: “but when I do the connection is lost I am either crazy and imagine things or get insults”-

    * will be back to the computer in eighteen hours or so.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by  anita.
    #196759

    None
    Participant

    I do not know I can’t even explain it. He probably seems like the dream guy that I created in my mind. Maybe I am wrong, maybe.

    the connection is lost- no messages or calls as if I never talked to that person or if there si still a connection i get the above mentioned things

    I got the feeling that it was a wrong idea to search for a piece of advice already. Nobody could be a fortune teller to tell me if he would say yes or he would refuse. I just probably forget about the whole thing…

    Sorry for bothering ,anyway.

    #196811

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    You didn’t bother me. I am back to your thread first thing this morning and hope to understand better. I will quote from you and follow the quotes with my input.

    You wrote: “he was really warm to me when I was feeling really bad and when there was nobody around…we talked for hours (mainly I was complaining….he hugged me which made me feel really warm and kind of happy as I have not received such an affectionate attitude for a long, long time.”- clearly you need someone, a man, to be there for you when you feel badly, someone that you can talk to, someone to hug you. You have so little of these things in your life that the little you received a long time ago, you remember so well.

    You want to contact him so to get these things again but you are afraid that he has a girlfriend and you “neither want to be the fool that is writing to a man that is with somebody else”

    You wrote: “I apologized to him several times for taking his time for my problems” -you feel unworthy of his time.

    You wrote: “most of the guys would spend time with me just because I am not talkative, yet I listen to others’ problems”. When you tried talking about your problems to these people, their responses to you was that you are “either crazy and imagine things or get insults”-

    When in the past you did talk to guys, what you received back from them were insults, being told you were crazy and imagine things and the relationships were over.

    On the other hand, this guy “spoke in a way that he could not offend anyone in any way”-

    What is clear to me, None, is that you need someone to kindly, attentively listen to you, a person who will never insult you, never tell you that you are crazy and imagine things. A person who will show you nothing but respect. Someone who will express to you that your thoughts make sense and that your feelings are valid and understandable.

    * When you talked before to the men who told you that you were crazy etc., I don’t know if indeed you were under the influence of drugs (a previous thread) or alcohol (this thread) or if otherwise you tend to express yourself in ways that appear crazy.

    Quality psychotherapy with an attentive, respectful and wise therapist is my advice. A warm, kind, respectful therapist who will teach you how to communicate effectively, lead you to value yourself, value your thoughts, your feelings, and choose to have people in your life who will respect you, people you can express your self to honestly and effectively.

    anita

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #196859

    None
    Participant

    You are giving me fruit for thought and i think i have to confess sometimes i am really nervous and people get on my nerves in a split second( whuch is usually not the case with me, but anyway).

    You are maybe right about certain things, yet i wanna stress that i did that stupid drug(whuch utterly regret) only once! I drink so little that i can pass out after  a few drops of whiskey. So acting crazy is not linked to that kind of substances… but to the enormous amount if stress and lack if sleep. This guy that told me i am out of my mind the relationship with him did not end right away he spoke to me that way, but when he started calling me for money or help, or try to sell me more drugs or tell me a story how he sold weed to a young couple with an infant. That is why i stopped any contacts and i do not wanna keep him in my life.

    I do not say that people cannot say that i am wrong or anything bad about me(whuch was actually all my life), but in the end of the day you want to surround yourself with people that you can share things and they not judge you that harshly. I do realise i make terribly stupid things and for which i suffor the consequences in my own.

     

    Sorry again for being that aggressive to someone i bately know and at least can talk to. :/

    Btw. Yoy quoted my words about how that warm guy talked not offending anyone- i do not seek such thing , yet after ge did this he seemed like a divine creature to me. I do try to speak the way he did that night, but it does not work out everytime i do. That us why i mentioned this. In my word, people nowadays can talk so much nasty things to you behind your bag, that i really aporeciate when someone tries not to.

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by  None.
    #196867

    None
    Participant

    *behind your back, i meant in the last message- if i have other mistakes i am writing from my phone and my fibgers are like sausages so…

    #196879

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    I understand your explanation about drugs/ alcohol, that it is not an issue for you. You mentioned lack of sleep- do you have trouble sleeping and suffer from insomnia, mental and physical exhaustion as  result?

    There are plenty of rude people in the world who hurt other people’s feelings, who sell people drugs, who harm others. An unfortunate reality. Got to protect yourself from such, not having them in your life.

    You wrote: “Sorry again for being that aggressive to someone I barely know”-  what aggression are you referring to (and directed at whom)?

    Also, other than this guy, did you ever feel listened to, attended to positively, respected when talking to another?

    anita

    #196883

    None
    Participant

    I have had difficulties fqlling asleep for two years and it all started due to my ambition to have the highest scores in university-i did not let myself sleep untill i read a book plus the drug guy used me for doing his university tasks and would call me whenever he wanted (at 1 at night , for instance, asking for exams or tasks, or simpky talking things that are none of my business) . Then i started work(the one that i left due to my colleague making fun of me) abd i bare slept (2-3 hours a night). Ever since I got used to not sleeping and this really makes me suffer and lose a ton of weight( people are calling me i look like a bag of bones). Last week a professor asked me if i was sick…

    I reread my answer to you and it seemed a bit aggressive – that is why i am expressing my apology to you.

    Well, it has not always been that bad. I used to talk a lit with my sister and mother , but now we only fight. I do not know what is happening- i am the nervous one that cannot stand people around or they make a fight over stupid things( right when i texted you fot the first time today me and my sister gad a fight over some stupid things duch as why one of her eggs in the fridge is broken… if that does not sound crazy and silly, i do not know what else …

    #196897

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    Did you get the highest scores in university? Are you still in contact with that guy, and to make sure: you are no longer taking drugs so to get the energy you are lacking?

    I think first thing to attend to is your sleep, got to get better sleep, longer and better on a regular basis. Can you see a counselor for this purpose?

    anita

    #196919

    None
    Participant

    Yes, i did, yet the following year was a total fiasco due to my lack of energy and ability to concentrate.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>No, i will probably jump off a bridge than veing in contact with him again. Before him my life was more than marvelous and i do not want him in it now or anytime to come. I try to get in shaoe and sleep enough and also spent a ton of money on vitamins and supplements. I hope it helps.</p>
    If not i am planning to visit a doctor and hope there i will be given the treatment i need, altough i am not too enthusiastic as the last time i visited my gp for instance with complaints about my health and a lump on my neck she told me that it is something ordinary and i am completely healthy- a month ot less after the visit i was put in a hospital as she said sh couldn’t help me 😡

    Anyway, i hope she treats me professionally, otherwise i do not know what can i do.

    #196921

    anita
    Participant

    Dear None:

    Before this man in your life, your life was “more than marvelous”?

    I do hope you retrain your body/ brain to sleep longer and better. And that your GP treats you professionally. Don’t take shortcuts again, so to achieve certain grades or any such aim. Take the longer and safer route, operate for your well-being every step of the way.

    anita

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