Indecision . . .

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    I need some unbiased advice – my partner and and I have been together three years through many ups and downs. We have a history of mistrust (i.e. my not trusting him and then finding out my mistrust is founded because of his betrayals) and recently we’ve finally reached a stable place. We’ve lived together for about two years and we recently moved cross country because of my personal pursuits. I never pressured my partner to move with me, and in fact encouraged him to really think it through. Now that we’re here he’s jobless, prospectless (keeps saying he wants to go to school but doesn’t take action) and frankly just a plain downer. He’s not a bad guy and I feel guilty that he made the move because I feel like it was a poor choice to stay together when I recently had the chance to leave him. How much responsibility do I have to another adult who can’t stand on their own and is laziness/lack of ambition a valid reason to dump a person I otherwise enjoy?

    Buddhist Wife

    I think there is no point going over the past in your head again and again because it is done. Maybe in an ideal world you would have made the decision to leave him before you moved, but you didn’t. I don’t think that it is helpful for either of you to hang on to a sense of guilt because of that situation. It certainly doesn’t mean that you owe him anything, or that he owes you anything.

    I also don’t think it’s helpful to look at this situation in terms of the fact that you currently support him. He is a grown adult and if you do break up he will be able to support himself.

    What I find unclear in your comments is how you truly feel about this man. Do you love him? You don’t use the word love in your post. You don’t use many positive words to describe him at all, apart from at the very end where you describe him as a person you ‘otherwise enjoy’.

    I think it’s important to be clear about that because that’s the backbone of the issue.

    Is the situation that, if tomorrow, you found he had a job or was studying, you would be happy and content with the relationship?

    Or is it that, really in your heart of hearts, no matter what he does you wont be happy because deep down you don’t really want to be with him at all?

    Really only you know. I hope you find everything that is good and wholesome.


    I honestly think that you have already made your decision, and are just looking for that decision to feel right. This is your life, and you have to put your feelings before his or you’re just going to end up regretting this time of your life later on. He’s a big boy, he moved out there and he can move back. It’s going to be really hard to talk about it with him, but you do have to because your already hurting yourself and him. Chances are that if he hasn’t gone to school yet, he probably never will by the way. Everything will work out, he’ll be okay, just take the first step and get out.

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