Dear B:

There will be 3 parts to my reply (1) what seems to certainly have happened, best I understand it, (2) the information you have based on what he told you, if I understand correctly, (3) your current state of mind and my thoughts, and (4) your questions and my efforts to answer them:

(1) When you met this man, you were going through a divorce, a mother of two girls living in Pennsylvania (PA), working in a hospital. He was a physician-to-be working in the same hospital, an Indian man whose family lived in India. You felt a deep bond with him, and the two of you “started dating immediately”.

The last part of the relationship was long-distance because he was completing his fellowship in NYC. The plan, as you understood it, was that he moves back to PA to be with you after his fellowship. At some point,  “Suddenly, he became very standoffish and mean… it was hot and cold… I didn’t know what version I was going to get on a daily basis”.

He visited India and returned to the NYC in mid-March 2020, when NYC was the Covid hotspot, and therefore you were unable to talk to him about his trip to India. By April 2020, he “went from this loving, compassionate man, who suddenly was mean & hated me”, and the relationship ended, but not quite: “I was getting I love you and I miss you and he would randomly pull me back as opposed to letting me move on.. sucked me right back”. At some point he unfriended and blocked you on Instagram, and lied to you, telling you that he deactivated it. His behavior “literally drove me mad”, and you went to NYC one morning, showing up at this door. “he looked like sh**.. tried to push me away at first, but then held me, made love.. told me everything will be ok when he comes to PA”. A week later he denied telling you that he will be coming to PA.

You found out that he was involved with another woman while in the long-distance part of the relationship with you. The other woman was a devotee in the NYC International Society for Krishna Consciousness Temple that he was visiting, and he stayed with her during the summer while waiting for his visa.

(2) He told you that is parents were “very strict, believe in arranged marriage”, that they pressured him to agree to (a second marriage), an arranged marriage to a woman of their choice. He told you that he was depressed, that he didn’t want to be a doctor anymore. At one point, he told you that the other woman “contacted his parents about marrying him”, and they refused the idea. He told you and swore that he didn’t cheat on you. And at another point he told you that “he told his parents to find him a girl and was going to accept an arranged marriage”.

(3) “I’m just lost and I want to believe him so badly, because I still deep down believe he is that kind hearted person in our first year… I have no closure and no answers… I just torture myself daily replaying everything. Wondering if he went to the Temple because he was searching for answers”.

My thoughts, here is what may have happened: he showed up in the hospital where you worked and in your life in a good-enough state of mind, clear-minded and calm. His relationship with you maintains his calm and clarity, and in that state of mind he is the “kind hearted person” you knew in the first year of the relationship.

He then moves away from you to NYC, travels to India, and gets stuck in the country’s Covid hotspot at the time, in a lockdown, and somewhere along these changes he loses his good-enough state of mind: he becomes confused, unsettled, distressed and depressed. In this mew state of mind, he is the “standoffish and mean… hot and cold” unstable person you got to know.

He visits the Temple so to get his calm back, so to undo his distress and loneliness. He meets a woman there and lives with her. He tells you that he didn’t cheat on you with her.

* In the beginning of your story, you wrote: “We started as friends, both of us were going through divorces”, and you wrote that his family lives in India, being “very strict, believe in arranged marriage.. he is from tribe”- it is likely that his parents arranged his first marriage, and having done so, they are very unlikely to agree that he divorces his wife. Divorces in India are the lowest in the world, from what I read, less than 1%. Unless you met his wife, the one he was allegedly divorcing, then it is very possible that he has been married throughout the time you’ve known him, only that his wife, and likely his children, live in India, with his parents perhaps, as is the custom in India.

If I am correct, this only added to his distress, as the real plan may have been not for him to move to PA and live with you, but to bring his wife and children to the US and live with them- a plan made much more difficult because of the unexpected and unplanned for Covid.

(4) “why did he have to lie to me about it? Why didn’t he just be open and honest and end things?”- I am guessing because if he told you that he was married, that his wife and children live in India and that the plan was to move them to the U.S. (assuming this is all true)- you wouldn’t date him. Alone in a new country, in PA,  a woman physically in his life. You were interested, he liked you, so he told you what was required to date you and then, to keep you in his life. Not everything he told you was a lie, as people who lie don’t lie all the time.

When he moved to NYC, alone, he still needed a woman to be there physically with him, so.. he located one.

“Is there any chance he is the good person I believed he was, or have I been completely fooled?”- every person is or was a good person early on in their lives. You get glimpses of that good person if you look long enough into the eyes of any bad person, even the worst. It is only cartoon characters that always look like bad people.

I hope you recover from this relationship, and you are welcome to post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear B,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain in so many ways. As Anita said, dont waste more time and resources on him, dont blame yourself for things you did or did not do…the outcome would have been the same.  Cry when you cant hold in the grief, then let it go…and dont be friends with him!

I am a female that recently had a break up with an Indian man (living in the States since 10y back). My story is different from yours but similar too. I too was together with my X for 2-3years.  Its very hard to explain the adjustments you make for love (not only the once you do in every relationship but also the adjustment to cultural differences and to his belief of a womans roll in society/household etc). And when it is over, you cant help but feel betrayed and used…betrayed by him and maybe also by yourself for trying hoplessly …

My beginning was wonderful,  a lot of attention with >10 calls texts per day (almost overwhelming, now looking back). When I started seeing a future with him, he left for India to see his parents. For some unknow reason his work visa was blocked and he was stuck there for 3 months. Meantime his parents were looking for a local bride for him- and he broke it off with me. After 3 months, he returned back to the States and then one night I got a phonecall from him, crying, telling me how wants to end his life. He explained to me that he turned down the bride because he misses me, how he is not attracted to Indian women and he wants me….oh and then he told me that no one knows but that he has huge financial debt in US and is now going to be thrown out of his home. Because of his busted credit score he cant get another accomodation.  I was of course very emotionally attached so I helped him move into my little flat.

He kept all of this a secret to his parents, in fact when he skyped them I had to hide and he told them he was renting some girls flat….but he happily told all our friends that he is moving in with me and we are in love ..

The live in situation was ok at first but then it went bad, he drank a lot and on weekends was partying while I was working a lot and on top of that doing all the household chores while he only contributed with paying half of the weekly grocessary bills. His parents were still searching for a bride to send over to US. I felt disrespected and asked him to move out.

We broke it off for few months, got back together again and at this point he told his parents about me. They were frustrated as he was 37y, was settled in US and had a good paying job -and their only wish was for him to be married and give them grandchildren. They accepted that I was white but wanted a marriage soon….THEN he lost his job and covid hit and he moved back into my little flat. His job loss meant also he would loose his permit to stay in the States, so he begged me to help him find a job, get married or he would have to move back to India. Marriage was hard with COVID just starting and also as much as I loved him, something was stopping me…Months later, he finally got a job and with my help he got a new flat as I cosigned his lease (his parents dont know any of this), AND he paid of his financial debt.

At this point I was so emotionally exhausted from all the drama, supporting him and fear of COVID, fear of loosing my job, that I was happy to live apart as I needed a break. I took another job that required me to move away, and he didnt even attempt to stop me-just kept talking about his job stress. A month ago he called me to tell me he now has a credit card and the new job gives him a lot of bonuses and benefits and his green card is moving forward. He has wiped his state clean from all the previous things  and felt that he now is ready for children and since I moved away his parents dont see this happening for us and neither does he. He is now on dating apps and his parents are looking for new bride (to live in the flat with my name on the contract LOL). But he still wants to be friends since I am his best friend….I said NO

END

Why am I telling you my story: because you are not alone, because I am spending every day meditating to deal with my grief, to try to be compassionate to myself…that maybe we both were saved by some bigger power from a bad future life. Some days are good but some are really low…and I try to keep busy…time is the best medicine they say

Based on my experience, I think your guy (similar to mine) liked the idea of having a “fair wife”and a life in the States…but his upbringing is stronger, his parents idea of what is best for him is stronger. For him, there was no going back to India, his parents probably sacrificed everything they had to get him to US so they can be proud of a successful son, for them they want a wife that will give him biological children that understands their customs and would take care of them when they move to the States too. Maybe your X is with the Temple girl and he will get his green card after 2y of marriage, and then they divorce because he wants an Indian wife..or maybe his parents will send him a bride that wants to marry to a life in the States…who knows…but you and I are free to love and be loved, we got another shot at love…

with love

Dear B,

Sorry for not seeing your post earlier! There are a lot of similarities between our relationships and they way we responded. I see a lot of myself in your narrative. The self doubt, the overanalyzing…”if I had only done X, maybe then he would notice my efforts and reciprocate with Z”. What I can tell you is that this type of thinking has pushed my buttons to the extent that a conversation with him post break up would make me stressed and anxious and I would get physically sick-migrains, immune reactions, out of nowhere. Yes these things are real. The problem is that I was analyzing the wrong person, I placed the focus on why I was not enough for him, instead of why he was not enough for me (I know that this sounds like a sentence from some self help book but bare with me please).

If your relationship was anything similar to mine (which I think it was), your needs were not met! Your need for emotional intimacy, a dialog where you can safely express who you are and what you want and need, to feel safe and seen…all of normal things that EVERYONE needs (emphasizing EVERYONE because I got into the hole of thinking that I am too needy and therefore it is not working out), all of those things were not met in this relationship. On top of it, competing with a mystery woman that could in theory fulfill all of his needs. He grew up in a culture where women have to sacrifice and meet the needs of men. I am still laughing about his parents comments when they met on me Skype, they said”ok, she is tall, white and very pretty, children will be good, get married”….they never spoke with me. He was/is selfish! YOU NEED BETTER and YOU ARE ALLOWED AND DESERVE MORE.

I was emotionally burnt out for caring for him and adapting to his every need hoping he will one day reciprocate. I knew this was not healthy but I was too co dependent to stop it, some crumbs of love were better than ZERO. One day sitting in a dark room with my migrain, holding my phone waiting anxiously for his text (that never came), I knew that I am done!  I have no more resources for this person. I asked myself if this happened to my best friend, what would I tell her to do…then I took charge over the situation; I restricted him from my social media…well everything besides texts (this is because I must maintain one line open since my name is on his lease for few more months)…BUT when he is lonely, drunk, needy …(fill in the blanks) I see the texts but I do not respond, and I take pride for every time I managed to not respond, until his texts become like random spam.

You might think, oh but I invested so much here and what if he finds someone else. Cut your losses, allow him to be someone elses problem. In his culture divorce is rare, even if there is emotional and physical abuse because marriage is a joining of families and family resources and the individual doesnt matter as long it meets the goal of the family to keep up the family name and children are being produced. They have the lowest divorce rate and pride themselves for it. Dont get me wrong, there are a lot of good things in there too, like not leaving when things get tough, the whole family cares for you and your children..but then there are layers of problems too. It is just a different concept.

B! You are a beautiful, worthy person! YOU ARE ENOUGH!  I am a stranger and I care for you and other people on this forum too. I know it hurts now, but take  your belongings and take place in the driver seat and drive away from this person. You and your children do not deserve crumbs of love.  Imagine a life with him where you would have to sacrifice your and your childrens needs to meet his, daily…and he might even cheat…you would burn out my friend. Some women cant get out but you can, you have been given a new chance, take it.

all my love to you.