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Insecure in love

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Susannah 6 months ago.

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  • #149871

    Kylee
    Participant

    Hello my name is Kylee, this is my first time posting in this forum, slightly new to the website.

    So I recently got into a new relationship. Before my boyfriend and I starting dating, we were friends for about a year. We have always been open and joked around with one another and he would always tell me about the people he was dating, hooking up with, etc. In the beginning of our friendship I had a slight crush on him but it went away knowing the history he has had with in other relationships. But then we started to hang out more frequently and we share a lot of similar interest. Ex: hiking, biking, working out, healthy life style. So eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was hesitant because I become insecure whenever I get in a relationship. I have bad anxiety and over think everything. It stresses me out and prevents me from fully enjoying the relationship. My feelings for him are strong, but because I feel so insecure it just makes me feel bad about myself and the relationship. I have expressed to him how I have bad anxiety and its hard to deal with especially in a relationship. He listens and says he understands but I'm not so sure he does. Its also tough because emotionally I feel we are opposites, hes very closed off and doesn't express himself verbally very well. Me on the other hand, its a little bit easier for me to express how I feel. and he had also explained to me before he may come off miserable like or looking.. But that doesn't mean he is. But its hard to tell sometimes the difference if he is upset about something or not because he's not always the best communicator which leads to me overthinking things like oh he doesn't care about me or I'm not enough for him or just feeling poorly about the whole thing. When we are together he is fairly affectionate physically and we spend a lot of time together. Maybe he just shows things differently than I'm used too?? Maybe I'm expecting to much? I just want to feel secure and confident when in a relationship and trust that things will work out how they are meant to, but when the anxious thought kick in, its almost inevitable to get rid of them.  I also think maybe knowing his history plays into it, hes very friendly with females which I can get jealous of. But I really try not to considering he is dating me and not them.  I'm sorry if this sounds all over the place, I would appreciate any advice or tips! Thank you  🙂

    #149883

    Susannah
    Participant

    Dear Kylee,

     

    the fact that you were friends before is good, but you mentioned something about his previous relationships. Is there something about the relationships or the way he told about them that makes you feel uncomfortable?

     

    You said that you share interests and hobbies. That to me is not as important as having the same values and approach to life.

     

    It is easier for you than for him to talk. It is good that he is affectionate! Maybe the next time he holds you and you feel very good you could open up about something that is in your mind even though it may feel a little scary. When a woman shows her vulnerability, it gives the man the option to comfort her and they become emotionally closer to each other – that to me is the essence of the relationship. In time he will feel safe enough to express his deepest thoughts and feelings and the relationship deepens further. If you cannot create intimacy, the relationship will come to an end and it is ok. Who needs a distant relationship? 😉 The good news is that it seems that you have the opportunity to get to know each other better and create something beautiful together! 🙂

    #149969

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kylee:

    The fact that you and him were friends for a year and were “open and joked around”- that is a good thing, it would have been nice if that openness and humor didn't have to end because of the change of relationship status.

    Clearly his “history he has had with in other relationships” is a concern of yours, as well as the fact that he is very friendly to other women while in relationship with you.

    You were hesitant about being in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with him because “I become insecure whenever I get in a relationship. I have bad anxiety and over think everything. It stresses me out and prevents me from fully enjoying the relationship.”-

    Bad anxiety is a condition that requires healing and/or adequate management. Anxiety predated this relationship, meaning he didn't create it. He is also not going to solve it, or eliminate it for you. He can't, no boyfriend can.

    You wrote: “I have expressed to him how I have bad anxiety and its hard to deal with especially in a relationship. He listens and says he understands but I’m not so sure he does”- notice your motivation in telling him about your bad anxiety: is it so that he will help you with it? If so, how? Is it that he will be careful not to hurt you?

    He told you that he “may come off miserable like or looking.. But that doesn’t mean he is… he’s not always the best communicator which leads to me overthinking things like oh he doesn’t care about me or I’m not enough for him..”- is it your tendency to think that when a person looks unhappy it means that you are not enough for him, that you did something wrong?

    You asked: “Maybe I’m expecting to much? I just want to feel secure and confident when in a relationship and trust that things will work out how they are meant to”-

    Of course you want “to feel secure and confident in a relationship”, that is, you wish you were not anxious. But you are. At times you may feel secure and confident but often enough, unfortunately, you don't feel secure and confident. This is why my answer to whether you are expecting too much is: yes. Expecting “bad anxiety” which predated him to disappear in a relationship, is unrealistic.

    Do your best to learn and evaluate the man you consider for a relationship: if his relationship history is realistically concerning and if he is flirtatious with other women while in relationship with you, maybe meeting different women alone for a drink after work, well, that is not a good candidate for any woman interested in a monogamous, long term, healthy relationship, anxious or not.

    It will be helpful if you rely on logic to discern between his behaviors that distress you because of your anxiety alone (ex., him sometimes looking unhappy-  no boyfriend can look happy all the time), and what about his behavior is incongruent with a healthy, loving relationship (ex., if he gave you the “silent treatment” as a passive aggressive way to communicate with you his anger).

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  anita.
    #150209

    Kylee
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I appreciate your response. It guess when it comes to my anxiety I have such a hard time not letting my emotions get the best of me. I seek comfort in knowing my boyfriend can understand that part of me but I know he cannot fix it or make it go away and I'm not sure how to deal with it most of the time. I always feel like I'm over thinking everything. For ex: If my boyfriend doesn't answer me for a little I assume he just doesn't want to talk to me or he thinks I'm a burden. Which I know this is most likely not true, but when I get all anxious these are the first thoughts to come to my mind. And being in this relationship this is not the first time I have felt this way, I have felt this way in previous relationships. But I'm afraid ill push my partner away by over compensating mistakenly, because I want his attention to feel secure. I know this is my own issue and I need to figure out how to resolve it but I'm unsure how. Aside from this, my boyfriend as far as I know he has been loyal to me, his previous relationships he was in open relationships he never wanted to be with just one person. And before we started dating throughout our friendship I saw that some of the girls he “dated” or “hooked up with” he didn't really find much value in them. I would even tell him, why do you involve yourself with these girls if you don't even truly want to be with them and he told me part of it was he liked the attention because of his own insecurities. Honestly that made a lot of sense to me. But when we started dating he told me he new I didn't want an open relationship and he new that going into this and that was okay with him. But I guess in the back of my mind I worry just me alone wont be enough for him or that I wont be able to keep it interesting enough. I really care and value my relationship with him. I know that based off his emotions I cant always blame myself, there may be other factors that play into it like work, school or being tired. But I just worry I wont know the real truth unless I pry it out which I don't want to ever force upon him. I hope this makes sense. Thank you again 🙂

    #150211

    Kylee
    Participant

    Thank you Susannah as well ! I thought I had to reply individually lol. I suppose even though I can verbally express myself well to an extent. I do have a hard time always saying what I truly want to say. I fear I may say the wrong thing or sound “stupid” for feeling a certain way. Which I know I shouldn't be so harsh on myself, because if someone came to me expressing their feelings I wouldn't think that way of them. I would do my best to offer advice and comfort them.

    Its just so complicated in my mind, I just want to feel free to express myself at any moment without judgment. and I'm sure if I expressed this my boyfriend would agree, but for some reason something still holds me back.

    #150237

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kylee:

    I hope this relationship works out for the two of you. Reads to me that he cares and values you.

    You wrote: “I always feel like I’m over thinking everything. For ex: If my boyfriend doesn’t answer me for a little I assume he just doesn’t want to talk to me or he thinks I’m a burden”- he doesn't answer and there is a voice in your brain telling you: “He doesn't want to talk to you. You are a burden!”

    That voice was there in previous relationship, telling you things that understandably make you anxious; raining on your parade, so to speak. I know this voice, it has taken so much away from me, many, many years of potential joy and love and peace-of-mind.

    This voice, in my case, is what I call, the mental representative of my mother.

    In your case, who does this voice represent?

    anita

    #150251

    Susannah
    Participant

    Dear Kylee,

     

    you have the opportunity to let your boyfriend show his caring and warmth. It takes a little courage, though. If you “play” and try with the thought that he does not want to judge you (like you don”t want to judge  him either) even though you let him see your insecurity and anxiety, you probably will get such proof! That will deepen the trust and closeness between you two and in time your anxiety will diminish and your feeling of worthiness will grow. It is possible to let the relationship heal you by itself without too much effort! 🙂

    #150568

    Andrea
    Participant

    Good Evening, this is my first day actually reading or even seeing this website and I am so dumbfounded! I have needed this for so long. I see myself. I see what I am doing to myself. The anger that I am not letting go. The insecurity within myself. I have been married for 26 years and I still love my husband but still DO NOT trust him. He is never cheated on me but in the early stages I would catch him lying to me when he wanted to go out and party. Now 26 years later I still get angry if he goes out. I can't stand it anymore. He is not doing anything wrong. I don't understand what or why am I acting this way every time. The gut feeling comes up again. I feel like he WILL eventually cheat on me but I know that he loves me. Does this stem from the past boyfriends that I dated before him that DID cheat on me? Have I brought those feelings into this relationship which I feel could destroy a good one? I know he loves me and I love him. I need my way of thinking better. I don't understand this.

    #153664

    Summerly92
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I can totally relate to what Kylee is going through, although for me this is my first relationship. So I tend to associate it with first/new relationship anxiety. We were quite casual for a while (a year or so) and decided to become exclusive a few months ago. I'm happy for the most part and it's obvious we want to be with each other, care for each other, but we both have mentioned not worrying about marriage anytime soon (both in our mid-twenties) so not worrying too much about the future. I try my best to live in the moment and enjoy the relationship for what it is but find myself becoming insecure, anxious and feeling vulnerable often. Similarly to Kylee, I'm a very emotionally intense person and quite verbal about it, he on the other hand, isn't the best communicator especially when it comes to emotions (probably because he's been hurt in the past). I have a tendency to overthink things and feel like I'm becoming a burden if I talk about my problems all the time with him and want too much attention. I ask myself too, if I'm expecting too much. I'm glad I found this post and the responses as they've been helpful and make me realize I am not alone in how I feel. I'm working on myself, meditating and building up my self-esteem/confidence because I know it's something only I have the power to “fix” and I don't want to ruin something that has the potential to be great because of my own insecurities, anxieties and past.

     

    Thanks!

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