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Insecure yet attending therapy

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • September 21, 2017 at 2:09 pm #169701
    Ash
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    After reading others posts and feedback via the Forums, I figured I’d give it a try. I’ve been in a relationship now for about 10 months, however I noticed my insecurity is starting to create unnecessary problems. I’ve seen a therapist on and off for over 10 years now and I’m seeing my therapist bi-weekly now. It’s helping and there are things I’m learning, however I realize that no matter how much help we get, at the end of the day it’s still our decision on how to act/respond.

    My problem is my extreme insecurity with my boyfriends phone- texting. I’ve never met any of his friends, he doesn’t ever do anything with any of them and I feel like I pretty much know his schedule. We live together, so again- I know pretty much everything he does. However, I can’t seem to always wonder or want to ask who it is that is texting him. It’s something I can’t seem to get past and I know would drive anyone up a wall if they’re always pestered with “who’s that?.” Now when I ask, he does answer and almost all the time he says its his co-workers. I just wish I could get to a place of not wondering and not asking but for some reason I can’t. Any suggestions would help. Thank you.

    September 22, 2017 at 8:14 am #169809
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ash:

    You wrote that you “realize that no matter how much help we get (from your therapist), at the end of the day it’s still our decision on how to act/respond”-

    It is always our decision, never should be or could be the therapist’s decision. The help a therapist may give a client is to make decisions with greater awareness, make more thoughtful, wiser choices.

    For me to understand better and suggest how you can stop wondering who is texting your live-in boyfriend, I ask: what specifically are you afraid of, when you realize he received a text?

    anita

    September 22, 2017 at 9:11 am #169819
    Ash
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your response. To answer your question, what I’m afraid of is who it is on the other end of the text. I have a fear of being cheated on…It’s a fear I’ve always had. There hasn’t necessarily been anything HE has done to lead me to believe this. I believe most of it is just paranoid thoughts on my end, based out of fear of worst case scenario. Now when I simply have asked him who it is, he will tell me. So that’s a good sign. But I still find myself even questioning his answers and thinking about worst case scenario.

    September 22, 2017 at 9:15 am #169823
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ash:

    You wrote that you learning in therapy you’ve been attending in the last 10 years.

    Another question: did you learn about the origin of your anxiety, what past experiences, childhood experiences are fueling your fear of being cheated on/ betrayed/ replaced?

    anita

    September 22, 2017 at 9:27 am #169839
    Ash
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes- this has been something we have been exploring. I think it boils down to low self worth/self confidence and accepting less than I deserve in the past. There are also some issues from childhood with my father being there physically, but being emotionally unavailable. I hope that answers your question somewhat.

    September 22, 2017 at 10:17 am #169853
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ash:

    You fear being cheated on, or replaced, or your trust betrayed because someone already did that, I believe. I have learned that we fear what had already happened (before we fear possibilities or eventualities that didn’t happen yet).

    The low self worth is a consequence of experiences, not the cause of them. Children are not born with low self worth-that happens later, as a result of experiences.

    Your father not being emotionally available may be something to explore further. I wonder if your mother was emotionally available to you.

    If you were distressed over your father’s lack of emotional availability and your mother was emotionally available to you, then she must have noticed your distress and attended to the issue at the time. Did she?

    anita

    September 22, 2017 at 10:17 am #169855
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t get submitted correctly…

    September 22, 2017 at 10:20 am #169857
    Ash
    Participant

    Anita,

    No- they were both emotionally unavailable in their own ways. I grew up with parents who had the response of, “get over it” type of attitude. My mom wasn’t very nurturing and has never had the time to talk with me about things in depth.

    September 22, 2017 at 10:31 am #169863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ash:

    Both your parents were not emotionally available to you as a child. No one to attend to you then. But they did attend to others, didn’t they? Parents often ignore their children but attend to others, their siblings, their own parents… neighbors, perfect strangers.

    Parents are often not so nice to their children but are nice to others, sometimes going out of their way to be kind to others.

    Maybe this is what you experienced as a child and that is what gets triggered when you notice your boyfriend received a text from someone else, you worry that the sender of the text, whomever that is, will get the attention that is now yours…?

    anita

    September 22, 2017 at 10:47 am #169871
    Ash
    Participant

    Anita,

    I see your point and yes that could be it. I think I just fear being left, or left for someone else and that would mean that I wasn’t good enough for the person to stay and be faithful to me.

    September 22, 2017 at 10:59 am #169877
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ash:

    Rationally you probably know that your parents not having been emotionally available to you does not indicate lack of worth on your part, not being good enough. To know this emotionally is a different thing.

    As a result of their unavailability, I am thinking, you developed a core belief: that you are not good enough, not worthy enough. This core belief is held in place by emotion, like glue. If you say to yourself now: I am worthy. I am good enough- that doesn’t dissolve that glue holding this belief in place.

    Changing such untrue core beliefs, such that maintain our anxiety and distress, such that lead to dysfunction is a necessary work in psychotherapy, if it is of quality. Any such work done?

    anita

    September 22, 2017 at 11:01 am #169881
    Ash
    Participant

    Anita,

    Not so much that type of work done just yet….We have been working on things like letting go of things that I cant control, practicing healthy responses to anxiety stimulating instances, etc…

    September 22, 2017 at 11:08 am #169885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ash:

    I hope it happens then, in the context of therapy. To dissolve that glue I mentioned, it takes experiencing the hurt, the pain involved. It takes trust in the therapist, feeling safe with her/ him, to express such, over time, to … develop another belief, that you can handle such pain, that you will be okay if it is brought more intensely to your awareness.

    It is the fear of experiencing this pain that keeps it repressed, under the surface, hidden. No way I know of to do it online, no suggestions that will make this process happen. But understanding what needs to be done, on some level, and having the intent to have it done can be very helpful.

    anita

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