Dear bulletww:

The way I see it, it is not the thinking of NEGATIVE thoughts that is the problem, it is the thinking on untrue thoughts that is the problem. Once you correct your thoughts to fit truth and reality, you get to a state of mental well being. I want to look at the thoughts you expressed in your post and evaluate them for truth or not, and look forward to your response:

Here are the thoughts:

1) “a positive relationship is one where two strong complete individuals come together.” Not true, says I. I heard this kind of thought before, people say it, but it is not true. There is no such thing as a “complete individual”- we are social animals, social beings and as such we never, ever get to a state of completeness- we will always need someone, sooner or later, after time alone, we need someone. Needing another person is not a sign of weakness, of weak neediness, of incompleteness. We simply cannot help needing others, from the time we are conceived to the time we die.

As far as “strong” individuals, yes, strong but there is no such thing as ‘strong enough” so to not need another.

Once you correct this untrue thought and accept your neediness as natural and a fact of life, you will no longer feel that there is something wrong about you for being needy of another, or something weak about you.

2) “a positive relationship is… not one where one person relies and leans on the other to complete him/herself.” Wrong again, a healthy relationship IS one where one person relies and leans on the other, so to endure the challenges of life, so to calm down the fears. We need others. Always did and always will.

3) There is no such thing as a “complete” person. Sometimes you feel calm and content being alone, or being together, but that calm and content is not permanent, cannot be. There is no “happily ever after” state of mind.

So, this is what I have so far. Response?

anita

Dear bulletww:

Yes, it is unhealthy to be as anxious and distressed as you have been. But what caused it? One thing at a time. First remove incorrect thinking and the judgment that follows it. Once you remove: I shouldn’t feel needy/I am weak for being needy, then you remove the distress that envelops the need for her. The fact that you have been thinking so much means some of the thoughts themselves are causing you anxiety, probably the judgments based on thinking what is not true.

This is the panic dynamic: you think, you get scared, you think more, you panic. It is the downward spiral of thinking and feeling.

And in that spiral you are confused and logic is not powerful enough. So what do you do?

Calm down of course. When you panic your brain is very foggy like. You can’t see clearly. Panicking, you increase your thinking so to make yourself better, but you only generate more fog and more confusion. You panic so you do the exact opposite of what you should do: think less, calm down, relax, clear the fog/ the thinking.

You got to get to the calm, fog-free state of mind/ brain. Do so whenever you panic, whatever the reason is. Panic-> go to calm. Don’t try to convince the fear to go away with logic. Empty the mind from thoughts and go back to the issue when calm.

You can’t argue with panic, you have to take time out.

You wrote: “when that need for the other person sometimes creates a sense of uneasy and anxiety that may escalate into negative thoughts, surely that is not healthy?”

It is the obsessing on that need that is the problem- you were okay before you obsessed. Before you thought too much. You got scared, that is what happened, you got scared of getting HURT. When people get scared they start thinking A LOT.

Now, I am thinking too much here, a bit unorganized- this is because I had such a delicious Thanksgiving meal (not traditional)- such a huge meal that I fear I ate too much and will gain weight (an ongoing fear)- so guess what- here I am thinking too much, too quickly, panicking.

I am going to take a long walk in the cold, why don’t you?

Let me know if I was of any help (I am a bit all over the place, same panic/ fear principle… interesting).
anita

Dear bulletww:

You are afraid that the woman WILL hurt you but in actuality, in your brain where it all happens, it is the hurt that you already felt that got triggered a week ago, hurt by others before the woman. That hurt-memory triggered fear. So there is old hurt that you are pushing down (resisting) and fear of experiencing that hurt again.

What you resist (hurt, in your case), persists.

I think that what will help you now is to accept that hurt that got triggered a weak ago. It was dormant in some inactive neurological pathway and now the pathway is active, it got disturbed by your new experience with the woman.

It is not the hurt by the woman that you need to accept, because it didn’t happen yet. It is the hurt you already felt, someone who already hurt you.

Now that the hurt-memory was triggered, you can not un-trigger it. You have to … process it. So why don’t you write here or elsewhere, here is fine, about who hurt you and how that was. Maybe you can write a poem about it, a song, somehow get in touch with it, feel it. Yes, you have to feel it so to know you can survive it.

Once you feel the old hurt and survive feeling it, relieved, your fear of the woman hurting you will calm.

Waiting for your reply, if you reply.

anita

+ Loveliness: let me know if you would like me to NOT respond to your posts. If you let me know this is the case, I will be glad to accommodate you this way. You can also skip and not read my (many) posts. Take care:
anita

just another stranger helped by anita on this forum but who’s counting?
I think we’re up to the ten thousands now……..

* Thank you, Jack! Your support means so much to me. It sure does!!!

Dear bulletww:

I like you being assertive about sticking to your thread and not being distracted otherwise!

Everything we think and feel happens between our ears, in the trillions connections between billions of neurons in any one of our brains. The experience with your ex girlfriend re-surfaced, or got TRIGGERED by the experience with the new woman in your life. The experience with your ex girlfriend was stored in certain neural connections, the fear was in those connections- not active because you did have closure about that relationship, and you moved on, so the connections that feel like fear, were dormant like. Then those connections got triggered and woke up. The dormant pathway (connection) was turned on, lights on, electricity running… chemicals released.

You wrote in one of the posts above: “I am scared of getting hurt, very scared.” This is the message of what you’ve been experiencing lately. You and the new woman expressed feelings toward each other, there is nothing official yet and the fear was triggered, the pathway/ connections formed in the past were triggered.

What to do? Fortunately your brain has many more neurons and connections than the ones triggered lately, some formed during the time you recovered from the previous relationship. You might want to remember what worked then, what thoughts and behaviors worked for you then to quiet the fear and distress of past (and … reactivate those pathways!)

Otherwise: thoughts. Engage in TRUE and realistic thoughts, not just any thoughts, not convenient, “feel good” thoughts, but think of what is true and real. You wrote in a post above: “My logical voice tells me she does care, all is ok”- I want to challenge this thinking and suggest that maybe you replace of augment it with truer thinking. The reason is that if a comforting thought is not convincing to you all the way, it will not be …strong enough to override the anxiety producing connections.

“She does care” your thought was. She probably does, she told you so. But not good enough, your fear says, after all the ex girlfriend cared at one point, and look what happened?

How do you combat that thought? That is logical, isn’t it?

Also “All is ok” is not convincing as well: at one point you thought all was okay with the ex girlfriend and look what happens, says the fear. How you combat that thought?

These are realistic thoughts I am suggesting, thoughts for you to consider and adopt if you believe in them completely (I am writing AS I am thinking these thoughts): She (the new woman) may care for me, and she may stop caring for me. If she cares for me (if what she said was true and she didn’t lie to me, to herself…) then the quality and intensity of her caring WILL change over time, this is a fact of life. It will change, get stronger, weaker, then stronger and stronger or weaker and weaker or it may stop all the way.

Now how can you be okay with this new thought?

Slowly, with awareness. If you agree with the thought (Let me know), then let it establish itself in your brain, try to be calm with it. It is reality. This fear will not go away no matter how long you calmly accept the reality of uncertainty. Fear is something everyone has to live with. Everyone has to find a way to live with fear. It cannot be eliminated. Some will stay: it is instinctual. Other parts of your brain can minimize the chances of you getting hurt by learning WHO the new woman is, over time, so that you get involved deeper and deeper over time with an honest and trustworthy woman. You get closer to her gradually, somewhat carefully, little by little and you observe and learn about who she is and what is reasonable to expect from her.

It is not ALL or NOTHING- you don’t jump into a relationship blindly and you don’t avoid the relationship all together. You go ONE LITTLE STEP AT A TIME, acknowledging with each and every step that nothing is guaranteed. And throughout the process, you manage the fear that will come up again and again in times of crises or otherwise.

You survived the last hurt and you thrived afterwards. This can be a lesson: the hurt you fear did not kill you and did not handicap you permanently. You can therefore, survive another hurt and thrive afterwards.

I am writing too much. Please take your time reading and contemplating my response here and do write back, I hope!

anita

Why would I not want you to reply to my post?
I don’t get it…did the sugar coating fall off of it?

Doomsday is coming and I need a xanax.

Random Q: Are you in the healthcare field? I don’t think sarcasm is diagnose-able because it’s always missed.