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Tony

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  • #375119
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Yes absolutely, I agree.
    Next time it happens, I really need to try jump out and look at it rationally, and understanding this will hopefully give me a head start!!

    I’ll stay in touch, but once again, thank you so much! I’m extremely grateful for the numerous advice you have provided over the years.

    T

    #375060
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi @anita

    Thank you for taking the time to come back to this post and providing new insight.

    It is so interesting what you wrote, I’m going to need to read it a few more times. It makes perfect sense, and thank you for taking the time to dig out all my previous posts to fit the puzzle together.

    Indeed, I use the same phrase over and over again, and it certainly is a cycle that keeps appearing and manifesting in a different, but very similar form each time. I can see it all stems from perhaps some childhood mental trauma. Perhaps it wasn’t even trauma, but enough to leave a lasting memory in my head.

    I think being able to see that pattern, is definitely a leap forward. Not saying that it won’t happen again, but perhaps I can now recognise what is happening below the surface.

    As I said, I’m definitely going to have to read your post a few more times to really let it sink in. But I’m so grateful for you making this possible for me to see.

    T

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by Tony.
    #372242
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your insights. I think I need to go do some research and reading on ‘separation anxiety’ and some self help methods as a starting point.

    #372160
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It is interesting that you dug up my past posts, I recall them, however, cannot believe the similarity in words I used to describe myself. It seems this insecure overthinking habit hasn’t changed too much at all.

    Certainly the signs for Separation Anxiety is relatable. I think there are a few that I exhibit. And when I think back right to my childhood I can recall times as a child where I exhibited them.

    Like when my mother would go out grocery shopping without me, I’d often wait in the lounge looking outside waiting for her to come home. I also recall thoughts where I’d wonder what if something bad had happened, like an accident?

    My parents and I immigrated to another country when I was 4. I remember when my grandpa was sick with cancer, I would often travel back home with my mother. Except one time, when my dad picked me up after school and I realised my mother had secretly flown back without me. She was gone for a month, and being a mummy’s boy, that certainly was extremely challenging.

    So certainly reading what you wrote about separation anxiety, I do feel relatable to some of the points.

    T

    #372100
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Glad you are still around helping people here in this community. Nice to hear from you once again!

    I hear what you said, ‘attachment’. Certainly after you said this, I can recall many times in my childhood where I have felt this attachment and a fear of loss/abandonment. It makes sense that such childhood memories are still stored in our sub conscious. And my wife, is so dear to me that I guess will follow the same pathway in the brain.

    But you ask the million dollar, how do we accept the certainty of death?

    I guess it is the thing that death brings, loss, never being able to see, hear, talk, be with, etc. with this someone. I remember going through some really rough times years ago with my break up. That wasn’t death, but that was loss. Maybe it is a similar concept?

    I have been thinking, and I think in life, our struggles comes from fighting what we cannot change. If we can truly accept whatever it is, our lives would be so much calmer. Isn’t that what monks and so many other concepts in religion teach?

    But easily said than done, we can’t avoid or change death and loss. There isn’t a single gathering or party that doesn’t eventually come to an end. We think back to good times and memorable events or childhood memories that would never happen again as we all grow up and move on. Isn’t that loss or ‘death’ already in our lives? Yet we cope?

    #357504
    Tony
    Participant

    Hello emilia,

    Life is hard isn’t it? You get into a relationship you want, and feels safe and secure, and still the past comes back and stings you.

    If you are truly happy in your current relationship, then may I ask, what is bothering you about your ex’s life?
    What needs to happen for you to feel at peace and happy?
    Does your ex need to be miserable? Do you need to be with someone else? Do you need to be better than your ex? Do you feel like you are threatened and it is a competition?

    You mentioned that he apologized, you forgave him, but why do you still feel like this?

    So I ask, did you forgive him so you can be at peace, or did you really from your heart forgive him?
    Because one is forgiving with a condition, your peace, whilst the other one is truly unconditionally forgiving him.

    It sounds like you are still connected to your ex, whether its hate, revenge or you are not over him. Or perhaps your current relationship is a rebound. But you need to find out what it is so you can move forward. Why does your ex’s love life bother you?

    #313625
    Tony
    Participant

    1) I am grateful for this forum/website.
    2) I am grateful for listening to an old, but good podcast that reminded me of many things this morning.
    3) I am grateful for my family and all they do for me.

    #313619
    Tony
    Participant

    Hey @anita

    Yes that is a good idea, like what @peggy mentioned too.

    I think for the time being, I need to practice inner acceptance. Perhaps this is one of life’s challenge to try help me grow in some way. Forcing me to practice being patience and accept even those things that I do not want to accept.

    #313615
    Tony
    Participant

    Howdy @Jason

    Certainly sounds like a tough period in your life for sure. But reading what you wrote, I noticed most of the things you listed, it was things that were comparing yourself to other people. People going to college, or having gf, or careers.

    You will never win when you compare to others, there will always be someone who is ‘doing better’ than you. But how do you know that these people aren’t struggling in other aspects of their lives? You look a celebrities, with their glamorous lives, clothes, cars, houses etc. yet many of them are dealing with depression as well! Not to mention, divorces, bankruptcy, fraud or identity theft all sorts. So by comparing yourself to these people, have you also thought about comparing yourself to people who are worse off? Maybe someone who is struggling in hospital waiting for a kidney transplant? In that case, you are definitely super blessed!

    Everyone has their own problems, but I believe we are in this life not to compare with others, but to define what success is to ourselves! Some people define success as getting married and having a family, whilst someone else may say, I don’t have a gf or family, but I have a PhD. Who is more successful? It depends on what you define.

    I’m definitely no expert on depression, my only experience is having been through it myself, but have never studied it or anything. But I believe:

    1) you need to find your own purpose, define your own success.
    2) stop comparing yourself to the standard of other people, you don’t know their personal private lives, other people may be looking at you going, wow, I wish I had the courage and the ability to go back to study in my late twenties instead of locked down with a family and job trying to make ends meet
    3) you will move on from your girlfriend. Sounds like she made you less self confident. And that is definitely not someone you want to be with.
    4) continue to seek the advice from a counsellor/psychiatrist and keep talking to them.
    5) you are going through a hard time now, but believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This moment in your life might suck, but through its process, you will grow and be a stronger person. You probably can’t see this now, but one day, you will look back and be grateful.

    Best,

    T

    #313143
    Tony
    Participant

    @anita Grant me the serenity to accept the injustice I cannot change, to change the injustices I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you, I will say that to myself. And I’m grateful are still here helping so many people.

    Thank you @Peggy for your reply. Yes, many teachers feel this way also, but I think they have better EQ and self control than me, to not let it creep into their personal lives – just at school.

    That is one ‘relief’ I have, knowing that karma, or whatever people want to call it, will come back around. I’ve even caught myself thinking how his wife and kids will too suffer when it eventually does catch up to him, and I didn’t even feel bad. Which is horrible, because I’m not naturally like this.

    But I guess you are right, just have to make the best of a temporary bad situation. It is just hard watching other innocent hard working people suffer and bullied by an asshole.

    #312985
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    I remember when I felt like you right now. Does she like me, but then she did this, but then she said that. And it was a rollercoaster of emotions up and down, several times a day.

    Eventually I learnt to listen to my inner instinct voice.

    Everything aside, his looks, personality, attributes – Do you really want to be with someone who makes your emotions go like a rollercoaster? bringing you insecurities and questioning yourself?

    I am now with someone who brings me peace and trust since day one. There was no dramas, or insecurities or doubts. From day 1.

    Ask yourself, what is MOST important to you in the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. I’m sure it trust and security are near the top of the list.

    #119235
    Tony
    Participant

    @Peter

    Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps me realise why am I doing the things I am.
    I am doing my job, my work to my ability and sense of responsibility, but perhaps deep down, the source of my frustration is coming from searching for other validation.

    Thanks for the provoking insights.

    #119200
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi @gggfx

    thanks for your reply, I can really understand it.
    I do feel there is alot of personal perception involved. It has just naturally evolved into real bitterness.

    I could just play all relaxed like they appear to, or to just play dumb and not do things. But I struggle to, and I cannot because of my sense of responsibility and at the end of the day, I just can’t, I have to get things done.

    Grateful for your reply, it does give me new perspectives on how to view this. Besides, few more weeks and I’ll be on holiday and I can forget about work for a few weeks.

    Thanks,

    #119112
    Tony
    Participant

    thanks for your insightful comments @Inky @Peter and @anita

    I kind of see how the outside world is reflection of my inner self.

    You are absolutely right, a lot of the times I do let stories in my head carry me away. I will do some self reflecting and trace the origins. I will also try to communicate the problem.

    Thanks, I’ll try give it all a go.

    #98889
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi @anita

    It was a weird vibe. My mum and dad both said they didn’t seem like someone that I normally go out with. That just didn’t feel like she fitted etc etc. like it was similar gut feelings to what I had. But of course I didn’t want to believe what they said even at that stage my instincts were whispering something. My friends were pretty much along the same line.

    They are all very supportive. And to trust in life and what is right will eventually happen.
    It was funny how everyone said similar things/thoughts. And I know my parents and friends are not like this, because my previous relationship many many years ago, everyone absolutely adored her.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)