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Tony

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #372242
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your insights. I think I need to go do some research and reading on ‘separation anxiety’ and some self help methods as a starting point.

    #372160
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It is interesting that you dug up my past posts, I recall them, however, cannot believe the similarity in words I used to describe myself. It seems this insecure overthinking habit hasn’t changed too much at all.

    Certainly the signs for Separation Anxiety is relatable. I think there are a few that I exhibit. And when I think back right to my childhood I can recall times as a child where I exhibited them.

    Like when my mother would go out grocery shopping without me, I’d often wait in the lounge looking outside waiting for her to come home. I also recall thoughts where I’d wonder what if something bad had happened, like an accident?

    My parents and I immigrated to another country when I was 4. I remember when my grandpa was sick with cancer, I would often travel back home with my mother. Except one time, when my dad picked me up after school and I realised my mother had secretly flown back without me. She was gone for a month, and being a mummy’s boy, that certainly was extremely challenging.

    So certainly reading what you wrote about separation anxiety, I do feel relatable to some of the points.

    T

    #372100
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Glad you are still around helping people here in this community. Nice to hear from you once again!

    I hear what you said, ‘attachment’. Certainly after you said this, I can recall many times in my childhood where I have felt this attachment and a fear of loss/abandonment. It makes sense that such childhood memories are still stored in our sub conscious. And my wife, is so dear to me that I guess will follow the same pathway in the brain.

    But you ask the million dollar, how do we accept the certainty of death?

    I guess it is the thing that death brings, loss, never being able to see, hear, talk, be with, etc. with this someone. I remember going through some really rough times years ago with my break up. That wasn’t death, but that was loss. Maybe it is a similar concept?

    I have been thinking, and I think in life, our struggles comes from fighting what we cannot change. If we can truly accept whatever it is, our lives would be so much calmer. Isn’t that what monks and so many other concepts in religion teach?

    But easily said than done, we can’t avoid or change death and loss. There isn’t a single gathering or party that doesn’t eventually come to an end. We think back to good times and memorable events or childhood memories that would never happen again as we all grow up and move on. Isn’t that loss or ‘death’ already in our lives? Yet we cope?

    #357504
    Tony
    Participant

    Hello emilia,

    Life is hard isn’t it? You get into a relationship you want, and feels safe and secure, and still the past comes back and stings you.

    If you are truly happy in your current relationship, then may I ask, what is bothering you about your ex’s life?
    What needs to happen for you to feel at peace and happy?
    Does your ex need to be miserable? Do you need to be with someone else? Do you need to be better than your ex? Do you feel like you are threatened and it is a competition?

    You mentioned that he apologized, you forgave him, but why do you still feel like this?

    So I ask, did you forgive him so you can be at peace, or did you really from your heart forgive him?
    Because one is forgiving with a condition, your peace, whilst the other one is truly unconditionally forgiving him.

    It sounds like you are still connected to your ex, whether its hate, revenge or you are not over him. Or perhaps your current relationship is a rebound. But you need to find out what it is so you can move forward. Why does your ex’s love life bother you?

    #313625
    Tony
    Participant

    1) I am grateful for this forum/website.
    2) I am grateful for listening to an old, but good podcast that reminded me of many things this morning.
    3) I am grateful for my family and all they do for me.

    #313619
    Tony
    Participant

    Hey @anita

    Yes that is a good idea, like what @peggy mentioned too.

    I think for the time being, I need to practice inner acceptance. Perhaps this is one of life’s challenge to try help me grow in some way. Forcing me to practice being patience and accept even those things that I do not want to accept.

    #313615
    Tony
    Participant

    Howdy @Jason

    Certainly sounds like a tough period in your life for sure. But reading what you wrote, I noticed most of the things you listed, it was things that were comparing yourself to other people. People going to college, or having gf, or careers.

    You will never win when you compare to others, there will always be someone who is ‘doing better’ than you. But how do you know that these people aren’t struggling in other aspects of their lives? You look a celebrities, with their glamorous lives, clothes, cars, houses etc. yet many of them are dealing with depression as well! Not to mention, divorces, bankruptcy, fraud or identity theft all sorts. So by comparing yourself to these people, have you also thought about comparing yourself to people who are worse off? Maybe someone who is struggling in hospital waiting for a kidney transplant? In that case, you are definitely super blessed!

    Everyone has their own problems, but I believe we are in this life not to compare with others, but to define what success is to ourselves! Some people define success as getting married and having a family, whilst someone else may say, I don’t have a gf or family, but I have a PhD. Who is more successful? It depends on what you define.

    I’m definitely no expert on depression, my only experience is having been through it myself, but have never studied it or anything. But I believe:

    1) you need to find your own purpose, define your own success.
    2) stop comparing yourself to the standard of other people, you don’t know their personal private lives, other people may be looking at you going, wow, I wish I had the courage and the ability to go back to study in my late twenties instead of locked down with a family and job trying to make ends meet
    3) you will move on from your girlfriend. Sounds like she made you less self confident. And that is definitely not someone you want to be with.
    4) continue to seek the advice from a counsellor/psychiatrist and keep talking to them.
    5) you are going through a hard time now, but believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This moment in your life might suck, but through its process, you will grow and be a stronger person. You probably can’t see this now, but one day, you will look back and be grateful.

    Best,

    T

    #313143
    Tony
    Participant

    @anita Grant me the serenity to accept the injustice I cannot change, to change the injustices I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you, I will say that to myself. And I’m grateful are still here helping so many people.

    Thank you @Peggy for your reply. Yes, many teachers feel this way also, but I think they have better EQ and self control than me, to not let it creep into their personal lives – just at school.

    That is one ‘relief’ I have, knowing that karma, or whatever people want to call it, will come back around. I’ve even caught myself thinking how his wife and kids will too suffer when it eventually does catch up to him, and I didn’t even feel bad. Which is horrible, because I’m not naturally like this.

    But I guess you are right, just have to make the best of a temporary bad situation. It is just hard watching other innocent hard working people suffer and bullied by an asshole.

    #312985
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    I remember when I felt like you right now. Does she like me, but then she did this, but then she said that. And it was a rollercoaster of emotions up and down, several times a day.

    Eventually I learnt to listen to my inner instinct voice.

    Everything aside, his looks, personality, attributes – Do you really want to be with someone who makes your emotions go like a rollercoaster? bringing you insecurities and questioning yourself?

    I am now with someone who brings me peace and trust since day one. There was no dramas, or insecurities or doubts. From day 1.

    Ask yourself, what is MOST important to you in the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. I’m sure it trust and security are near the top of the list.

    #119235
    Tony
    Participant

    @Peter

    Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps me realise why am I doing the things I am.
    I am doing my job, my work to my ability and sense of responsibility, but perhaps deep down, the source of my frustration is coming from searching for other validation.

    Thanks for the provoking insights.

    #119200
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi @gggfx

    thanks for your reply, I can really understand it.
    I do feel there is alot of personal perception involved. It has just naturally evolved into real bitterness.

    I could just play all relaxed like they appear to, or to just play dumb and not do things. But I struggle to, and I cannot because of my sense of responsibility and at the end of the day, I just can’t, I have to get things done.

    Grateful for your reply, it does give me new perspectives on how to view this. Besides, few more weeks and I’ll be on holiday and I can forget about work for a few weeks.

    Thanks,

    #119112
    Tony
    Participant

    thanks for your insightful comments @Inky @Peter and @anita

    I kind of see how the outside world is reflection of my inner self.

    You are absolutely right, a lot of the times I do let stories in my head carry me away. I will do some self reflecting and trace the origins. I will also try to communicate the problem.

    Thanks, I’ll try give it all a go.

    #98889
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi @anita

    It was a weird vibe. My mum and dad both said they didn’t seem like someone that I normally go out with. That just didn’t feel like she fitted etc etc. like it was similar gut feelings to what I had. But of course I didn’t want to believe what they said even at that stage my instincts were whispering something. My friends were pretty much along the same line.

    They are all very supportive. And to trust in life and what is right will eventually happen.
    It was funny how everyone said similar things/thoughts. And I know my parents and friends are not like this, because my previous relationship many many years ago, everyone absolutely adored her.

    #98881
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi all again,

    I feel rather immature (if at all honest) for posting here again, but I guess I’m seeking for some reassurance.

    So as you know from earlier posts, a month-ish ago, this girl and myself ended the relationship. Although we begun like a house on fire and everything was amazing, it was later due to these feelings of extreme uncertainty. Feelings of being drained each time we are hanging out and really poor sleep and mood. This really weird abstract gut feeling that we weren’t clicking, weren’t meant to be.

    On top of that, family and friends ALL suggested we didn’t seem right together, there was something. and further on top of that, we come from different religious backgrounds – although we are accepting and not going to ‘convert each other’ it is still a unresolved topic as in what if one day we have kids? Church every sunday? and etc. beliefs, etc. etc.

    So we broke up, I felt and slept better following that but I was definitely sad and still a bit down.
    Following that, there were random times she would get in touch with me, and sometimes tell me how sad she is doing, how she loved me and crying herself to sleep and eventually how she probably can’t do it anymore and needs to move on etc.

    Everytime I receive these messages, it breaks my heart. I feel so sad for making her feel this way. I wish I could make it right and that maybe we should give it another go? But then I’m reminded that over the 5ish month period, we had actually already broken up and got back together several times, I remind myself of how I felt and because family and friends are so important to me, of their thoughts. Although they would support me in my choice, none of them felt we were right.

    Am I a terrible person? I know that post break up, things mess with your mind, that you see everything in rose-tinted glasses. Whilst my gut still says hey, if you get back with her, it’ll probably just be the same and within a week or two you will feel the strain/burden and uncertainty and just end again. That you want her, but really just because you feel bad and want her to stop hurting? that you don’t want to be alone?

    Thanks for reading, am I wrong?
    Which voice should I be listening to?

    #98381
    Tony
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your replies
    @anita
    @Matty
    @Inky
    @dreaming715

    I not sure, but I’ve always felt online dating wasn’t my thing. Well definitely not at this stage anyway.

    Think it is so true with:
    What you need to do is trust in your decisions and beliefs. Don’t go back and try again if all you desire is not to be lonely. It is in a lonesome time that we develop our understanding of who we are.

    I do need to trust myself, I often have a gut feeling of things, but I don’t want to do it because it’s hard, or it is painful etc. which relates to what @dreaming715 mentioned, especially the acceptance bit.

    Maybe I just need to learn to accept me, and to accept how life is at the moment rather than pushing against and trying to have things run my way. It is not like something I can control/change anyway like ordering a meal. I just have to let it be and trust right?

    But thanks for sharing all of that. Just can’t believe it sometimes when what you had envisioned years ago is now so different.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)