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letting go and moving on

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  • #357224
    emilia
    Participant

    I had a boyfriend that was in a 7 year relationship with me. We had different religion, and I did not want to be in an interfaith marriage so it was bound to break. But in the end, we broke up not because of our religion, but because we became toxic and he cheated on me. I was constantly angry with him, getting mad at every little thing because I didn’t trust him, and just emotionally unstable with him. I would be getting mad and then crying until my head hurts. I was hurt and I never wanted to do anything with him again.

    After we broke up, I found an old friend and we began relationship. I was happy in a stable relationship, feeling mentally well, and for once, I believe that I could really get married with him.

    My ex found out and he got really angry with me, well partly because my new boyfriend was his friend. He called me names and all, but I really had enough of him so I didn’t care and just moved on with my life with my new boyfriend.

    However, recently I found out he has a new girlfriend. She was how I imagined would be a perfect partner for my ex in every way ever since we were dating, everything I was not. I tried not to pry on them, but I would get all curious and ended up looking on their social media account. It did not made me feel good, I ended up comparing myself or I wished that they would end up the same as us did. I do admit that I was always the jealous type, but I really don’t want to be the crazy ex who keeps checking on their exes new relationship. That’s the last thing I want to do. I know that this is not good for me, but I can’t get out of my curiosity.

    In addition, he also told me about her. And he also compared me to her, saying how she trusted him and it feels nice to be trusted. Like rubbing salt on wound :). I mean, my boyfriend has many good qualities over him, but I don’t rub it on his face. I am happy with my current boyfriend, but I still feel irritated with my ex and maybe still holding grudges. He apologised to me and I sincerely said that I forgive him, so why am i still feeling like this?

    What can I do to really let go?

    #357452
    anita
    Participant

    Dear emilia:

    “He apologized to me and I sincerely said that I  forgive him, so why am I still feeling like this?”-

    – my guess answer is that you are comparing yourself to your ex’s new girlfriend because he cheated on you, but more significantly, because you were “always the jealous type”. I am guessing that as a child someone in your family, maybe a parent, preferred someone else over you and you felt hurt and jealous. Or maybe in school, teachers or peers preferred other children over you, and you felt left out and envious of the people who got the positive attention that you didn’t get.

    Any truth to my guessing?

    anita

    #357504
    Tony
    Participant

    Hello emilia,

    Life is hard isn’t it? You get into a relationship you want, and feels safe and secure, and still the past comes back and stings you.

    If you are truly happy in your current relationship, then may I ask, what is bothering you about your ex’s life?
    What needs to happen for you to feel at peace and happy?
    Does your ex need to be miserable? Do you need to be with someone else? Do you need to be better than your ex? Do you feel like you are threatened and it is a competition?

    You mentioned that he apologized, you forgave him, but why do you still feel like this?

    So I ask, did you forgive him so you can be at peace, or did you really from your heart forgive him?
    Because one is forgiving with a condition, your peace, whilst the other one is truly unconditionally forgiving him.

    It sounds like you are still connected to your ex, whether its hate, revenge or you are not over him. Or perhaps your current relationship is a rebound. But you need to find out what it is so you can move forward. Why does your ex’s love life bother you?

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