Hello Tiny Buddha Community,

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. It was mixed emotions that ranged from feeling touched, to sad and emptiness.

About 6 months ago, I met this girl, we hit it off amazingly, just connected, chemistry.
But there was more to all of this amazingness. She was coming to the end of her previous 10 year relationship. In fact the break up was a little after we met, and eventually started to informally be together.

Over the next 5ish month, it was a rollercoaster ride. There were times where it was nice, changing to affection, and times where I was near depression because something just felt off. Times when I felt drained, lifeless and not sleeping properly. My parents support me, but they told me for some reason this girl just didn’t seem like someone they felt fitted with our family, or me. She never got a chance to meet my closest friends, but a few of my good friends didn’t support us either, not that she was a bad person or anything, but apparently I didn’t seem happy and we just didn’t seem like a couple.

Anyway, over the period of 5ish months, we decided to break up about 4 times, but each time we would eventually get back together, I admit, mainly my idea and wanting to try again since I guess it was usually me with the uncertainty. Eventually about 3 weeks ago, we finally called it to an end after I realised I just couldn’t handle the invisible weight anymore, tired, overthinking, not sleeping well and just a feeling of unease, uncertainty and just something not clicking.

And so yesterday, I turned 30. I’m a teacher and so it was a great day at school with gifts, well wishes and just awesome vibes from students, colleagues, friends and family. But later in the day, I suddenly broke down when I was alone. I suddenly felt so empty and hollow. Sure I had all these people around me but all of a sudden, what am I living for? achieving? I’m so alone! It was overwhelming. As if my break up left me all alone.

I guess I realised that with many of my friends around me having babies, married etc. and combined with this subconscious expectation that when I’m 30, I’d be married, or engaged or at least in a steady happy relationship, I suddenly felt so alone. Even getting back into a relationship that didn’t feel right, didn’t have what I wanted to feel/look for in a relationship – even that felt safer than being alone. Letting go and potentially finding the relationship that is for me, that is amazing felt more scarier than to just settle.

I understand, self love and feeling complete on my own first is very important. I never realised how I’ve become so desperate, as if a relationship would fix me and make me happy and complete me. I realise that perhaps if I had been more confident and aware, maybe I wouldn’t have started this last 5ish month relationship, or have had the courage to end it earlier when I continued to feel uncertain gut feelings. Yet here I am, still pondering hey, maybe I should give it another go! despite all my gut instincts.

Thanks for reading my outburst, I just never realised this is how I would be when I turned 30. I’m usually a vibrant, lively and active person. Love hanging out with friends, family and out doing volunteer work. Lately, I’m flat. My mood is flat and I don’t really like it. Yes, I am sad at the ending of a relationship, whether it is right for me or not – I’m sad. But I’m starting to sniff this desperation from myself and I know it isn’t right. When my ex from 4 years ago messaged me to wish me happy birthday, it took away a bit of the pain and numbness. Why? because all of a sudden I felt like I have a safety net? Like I’m hopeful for someone to love me? haha, I listen to myself and I laugh, even I know it is rather pathetic.

I know I should keep focussing on my life and move forward, to not fear this ‘forever alone’ now that I’m 30 or to be dictated by social cues or what people around me are up to. To have faith that what is right will happen when the time is right and I’m ready. But yeah, time to stand up and rid of this self pity?

Thanks for reading all of this, I actually do feel better typing all this out.

thanks