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Relationship with myself?

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  • #98334
    Tony
    Participant

    Hello Tiny Buddha Community,

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.

    Yesterday was my 30th birthday. It was mixed emotions that ranged from feeling touched, to sad and emptiness.

    About 6 months ago, I met this girl, we hit it off amazingly, just connected, chemistry.
    But there was more to all of this amazingness. She was coming to the end of her previous 10 year relationship. In fact the break up was a little after we met, and eventually started to informally be together.

    Over the next 5ish month, it was a rollercoaster ride. There were times where it was nice, changing to affection, and times where I was near depression because something just felt off. Times when I felt drained, lifeless and not sleeping properly. My parents support me, but they told me for some reason this girl just didn’t seem like someone they felt fitted with our family, or me. She never got a chance to meet my closest friends, but a few of my good friends didn’t support us either, not that she was a bad person or anything, but apparently I didn’t seem happy and we just didn’t seem like a couple.

    Anyway, over the period of 5ish months, we decided to break up about 4 times, but each time we would eventually get back together, I admit, mainly my idea and wanting to try again since I guess it was usually me with the uncertainty. Eventually about 3 weeks ago, we finally called it to an end after I realised I just couldn’t handle the invisible weight anymore, tired, overthinking, not sleeping well and just a feeling of unease, uncertainty and just something not clicking.

    And so yesterday, I turned 30. I’m a teacher and so it was a great day at school with gifts, well wishes and just awesome vibes from students, colleagues, friends and family. But later in the day, I suddenly broke down when I was alone. I suddenly felt so empty and hollow. Sure I had all these people around me but all of a sudden, what am I living for? achieving? I’m so alone! It was overwhelming. As if my break up left me all alone.

    I guess I realised that with many of my friends around me having babies, married etc. and combined with this subconscious expectation that when I’m 30, I’d be married, or engaged or at least in a steady happy relationship, I suddenly felt so alone. Even getting back into a relationship that didn’t feel right, didn’t have what I wanted to feel/look for in a relationship – even that felt safer than being alone. Letting go and potentially finding the relationship that is for me, that is amazing felt more scarier than to just settle.

    I understand, self love and feeling complete on my own first is very important. I never realised how I’ve become so desperate, as if a relationship would fix me and make me happy and complete me. I realise that perhaps if I had been more confident and aware, maybe I wouldn’t have started this last 5ish month relationship, or have had the courage to end it earlier when I continued to feel uncertain gut feelings. Yet here I am, still pondering hey, maybe I should give it another go! despite all my gut instincts.

    Thanks for reading my outburst, I just never realised this is how I would be when I turned 30. I’m usually a vibrant, lively and active person. Love hanging out with friends, family and out doing volunteer work. Lately, I’m flat. My mood is flat and I don’t really like it. Yes, I am sad at the ending of a relationship, whether it is right for me or not – I’m sad. But I’m starting to sniff this desperation from myself and I know it isn’t right. When my ex from 4 years ago messaged me to wish me happy birthday, it took away a bit of the pain and numbness. Why? because all of a sudden I felt like I have a safety net? Like I’m hopeful for someone to love me? haha, I listen to myself and I laugh, even I know it is rather pathetic.

    I know I should keep focussing on my life and move forward, to not fear this ‘forever alone’ now that I’m 30 or to be dictated by social cues or what people around me are up to. To have faith that what is right will happen when the time is right and I’m ready. But yeah, time to stand up and rid of this self pity?

    Thanks for reading all of this, I actually do feel better typing all this out.

    thanks

    #98337
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tony:

    Welcome back and happy 30 and a day!

    I am glad you felt better after typing all this out. I read it all. I was wondering: what do you feel about online dating sites? i don’t know if the site plenty of fish (one word) is still free, but it used to be. Did you try those?

    anita

    #98345
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi tony

    I think you have hit the nail on the head by admitting that socital expectations are just that, they aren’t the rule of thumb. Firstly, you are not alone. You are surronded by people who care for you. Humans in a sense are the true form of greed. Wanting to be happy and wanting things that can make us happy…its selfish. Eventually it consumes us. We equate our worth and value to societal possessions, it gives us our identity our purpose, it puts us inside the circle. What you need to do is trust in your decisions and beliefs. Don’t go back and try again if all you desire is not to be lonely. It is in a lonesome time that we develop our understanding of who we are.

    Secondly, it is ‘normal’ to fear the unknown. You have questions about your destination. Accept the fear of the unknown qccept that no matter what, you will have urself. As anita said online dating websites may be the key for you. If you want something serious then I’m sure you may find some people on there. As for being alone forever….Honestly, right now….do you need a partner? Do you feel empty because you don’t have someone that validates you? Because to ke, it seems you have many people who see u for who u are. And if theres anything I have learnt in my short life span….love comes in different forms and we don’t need all those forms to be happy. Tony, im not quite sure if I have helped, but your not alone. Take ckmfort in this. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be happy. That can never end well.take comfort that on day, but when u least expect it….she will come across your path.
    Best of luck
    Matty

    #98364
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Tony,

    It’s better you broke it off with her now then years later after you’re married and then find The One. Breaking up with someone who’s done nothing wrong is the worst!! But good on you for honoring your true feelings! Not everyone does that!! Society and turning 30 stinks. It will all come together. You’ll see.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #98373
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I feel like I could’ve written what you just wrote. I actually wrote a similar post recently about how I’m a 27-year-old female, single, and starting to have fears after I read that pregnancy difficulties typically start around age 35 for women. People tell me, “Oh, you’ve got plenty of time!” But I’ve been putting myself out there and dating for the past 10 months and nothing has come of it except a broken-heart from a very one-sided relationship with a man who wasn’t interested in me like I was in him.

    There came a point where I realized that I need to practice acceptance and gratitude, even in my current situation. I can’t predict my future. Because I can’t, maybe I should start focusing on myself and what I have control of in the present. I always try to live in the present now.

    Also, I can relate to what you said about settling feeling more comfortable that being alone. I think that’s when I really realized I needed to learn to love myself without the presence of another person.

    In my last relationship, I was completely head over heels for the guy. But then I realized that him constantly pulling away emotionally and not always returning my affection was hurting me. If I’m going to be in a relationship, I deserve to feel valued, cared about, and like I can trust the person- at the very least.

    So, single I am and single I will be until I truly love myself and the universe has decided for my path to cross with someone who loves me as much as I love me.

    #98381
    Tony
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your replies

    @anita


    @Matty


    @Inky


    @dreaming715

    I not sure, but I’ve always felt online dating wasn’t my thing. Well definitely not at this stage anyway.

    Think it is so true with:
    What you need to do is trust in your decisions and beliefs. Don’t go back and try again if all you desire is not to be lonely. It is in a lonesome time that we develop our understanding of who we are.

    I do need to trust myself, I often have a gut feeling of things, but I don’t want to do it because it’s hard, or it is painful etc. which relates to what @dreaming715 mentioned, especially the acceptance bit.

    Maybe I just need to learn to accept me, and to accept how life is at the moment rather than pushing against and trying to have things run my way. It is not like something I can control/change anyway like ordering a meal. I just have to let it be and trust right?

    But thanks for sharing all of that. Just can’t believe it sometimes when what you had envisioned years ago is now so different.

    #98395
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Tony. As to your last sentence, I concur and add: what we envision for ourselves is often very different that from what actually happens. Or … very different from what we make happen. Both.
    anita

    #98404
    Matty
    Participant

    Tony,

    Thanks for the rep.

    Maybe I just need to learn to accept me, and to accept how life is at the moment rather than pushing against and trying to have things run my way

    Absolutely, it’s actually harder for us to accept the now, it’s like if we accept our current circumstances we are giving up. But this is not true, through acceptance comes understanding. Understanding who you are now, will better reflect who you were before and will help you clearly understand who you want to be in the future. Your right to, ordering a meal is a lot easier to control than ordering a partnership…. well i mean unless you want a mail order bride πŸ˜‰ But yeah, you can control yourself, control your emotions, your desires, choices etc. You are very powerful and unique, we all are. If you feel like you feel lonely, the best thing to do is to tell yourself, re-affirm that you ain’t a bad catch, since it might not be you, it could all be about timing. Talk yourself up, be your own buddy and cheerleader.
    Good luck,
    MAtty

    #98881
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi all again,

    I feel rather immature (if at all honest) for posting here again, but I guess I’m seeking for some reassurance.

    So as you know from earlier posts, a month-ish ago, this girl and myself ended the relationship. Although we begun like a house on fire and everything was amazing, it was later due to these feelings of extreme uncertainty. Feelings of being drained each time we are hanging out and really poor sleep and mood. This really weird abstract gut feeling that we weren’t clicking, weren’t meant to be.

    On top of that, family and friends ALL suggested we didn’t seem right together, there was something. and further on top of that, we come from different religious backgrounds – although we are accepting and not going to ‘convert each other’ it is still a unresolved topic as in what if one day we have kids? Church every sunday? and etc. beliefs, etc. etc.

    So we broke up, I felt and slept better following that but I was definitely sad and still a bit down.
    Following that, there were random times she would get in touch with me, and sometimes tell me how sad she is doing, how she loved me and crying herself to sleep and eventually how she probably can’t do it anymore and needs to move on etc.

    Everytime I receive these messages, it breaks my heart. I feel so sad for making her feel this way. I wish I could make it right and that maybe we should give it another go? But then I’m reminded that over the 5ish month period, we had actually already broken up and got back together several times, I remind myself of how I felt and because family and friends are so important to me, of their thoughts. Although they would support me in my choice, none of them felt we were right.

    Am I a terrible person? I know that post break up, things mess with your mind, that you see everything in rose-tinted glasses. Whilst my gut still says hey, if you get back with her, it’ll probably just be the same and within a week or two you will feel the strain/burden and uncertainty and just end again. That you want her, but really just because you feel bad and want her to stop hurting? that you don’t want to be alone?

    Thanks for reading, am I wrong?
    Which voice should I be listening to?

    #98882
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tony:

    Why did your family and friends not like about you and your ex girlfriend when you were together? What problems did they point out?

    How did they react when the two of you broke up last time?

    And are they supportive of you now? How?

    anita

    #98889
    Tony
    Participant

    Hi @anita

    It was a weird vibe. My mum and dad both said they didn’t seem like someone that I normally go out with. That just didn’t feel like she fitted etc etc. like it was similar gut feelings to what I had. But of course I didn’t want to believe what they said even at that stage my instincts were whispering something. My friends were pretty much along the same line.

    They are all very supportive. And to trust in life and what is right will eventually happen.
    It was funny how everyone said similar things/thoughts. And I know my parents and friends are not like this, because my previous relationship many many years ago, everyone absolutely adored her.

    #98899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tony:

    “A weird vibe”, “gut feelings” and “my instincts” – but nothing concrete? You did mention she was of a different religion.

    But family, friends and you have nothing to point to about her other than vibes, guts and instincts?

    anita

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