September 22, 2019 at 12:56 pm #313609
i feel like such a loser (M/28)
– almost all of my friends and peers are well past their university degree programs and some have even done graduate programs; others are well into their careers and have gone through the ups and downs of post-university job searching
– some have had lots of girlfriends and relationships, and have gone through the bad ones necessary to finding the right ones
– many have become independent and are sufficiently living on their own, buying a new place, having enough money to rent, etc.
– a few are about to get married soon and begin their families
– some have found their calling and are living their life-long dreams
– i’m entering my first year of college at age 28, after doing a combined 6 years at three universities without getting any real credits
– i’ve just gotten out of a relationship and i wasn’t good enough for her; i wasn’t mature yet, i didn’t have a career, i didn’t do things properly for her, and i didn’t get the same treatment as her other boyfriends got from her
– i’ve only gotten into the workforce recently, and have only had summer jobs
– i have anxiety and depression that prevents me from solving my own problems in life and getting the necessary exposure to advance my life in both my career and my relationships
– i feel down on myself because i’m already failing at my college courses and am unmotivated to do anything about it
– i feel ashamed and depressed that i couldn’t give my girlfriend what she needed from a guy; i am ashamed of who i am because of how she views me; i feel like she sees me as a loser who has no backbone, no motivation to get past my fears, and lack the important qualities that are needed to begin a family and be a man
– sometimes i am so lazy and can’t get motivated to do my work; i’ve missed lots of class already, and what is worse is that my college is being paid for by the government because of my disability (i’ve had two kidney transplants)
– any time i expressed these worries and problems when i was with my girlfriend, she got annoyed and didn’t want to hear them so much; eventually she got tired of me whining about my life problems and i felt like my problems were invalid
– at the same time, i am trying to do something about them but feel so handcuffed by my anxiety and depression that all the solutions feel so far away
– i have been to see my psychiatrist but he does not want to put me on anything as i’ve just gotten off my antidepressants in december, and he feels like i don’t need them and should just man up and do what i have to do
– i’ve felt like my friendships have gotten worse as i haven’t had the energy to put anything into them, i prefer to just lie around on friday and saturday nights, but eventually feel guilty and victimized by my friends not being there for meSeptember 22, 2019 at 1:09 pm #313615
Certainly sounds like a tough period in your life for sure. But reading what you wrote, I noticed most of the things you listed, it was things that were comparing yourself to other people. People going to college, or having gf, or careers.
You will never win when you compare to others, there will always be someone who is ‘doing better’ than you. But how do you know that these people aren’t struggling in other aspects of their lives? You look a celebrities, with their glamorous lives, clothes, cars, houses etc. yet many of them are dealing with depression as well! Not to mention, divorces, bankruptcy, fraud or identity theft all sorts. So by comparing yourself to these people, have you also thought about comparing yourself to people who are worse off? Maybe someone who is struggling in hospital waiting for a kidney transplant? In that case, you are definitely super blessed!
Everyone has their own problems, but I believe we are in this life not to compare with others, but to define what success is to ourselves! Some people define success as getting married and having a family, whilst someone else may say, I don’t have a gf or family, but I have a PhD. Who is more successful? It depends on what you define.
I’m definitely no expert on depression, my only experience is having been through it myself, but have never studied it or anything. But I believe:
1) you need to find your own purpose, define your own success.
2) stop comparing yourself to the standard of other people, you don’t know their personal private lives, other people may be looking at you going, wow, I wish I had the courage and the ability to go back to study in my late twenties instead of locked down with a family and job trying to make ends meet
3) you will move on from your girlfriend. Sounds like she made you less self confident. And that is definitely not someone you want to be with.
4) continue to seek the advice from a counsellor/psychiatrist and keep talking to them.
5) you are going through a hard time now, but believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This moment in your life might suck, but through its process, you will grow and be a stronger person. You probably can’t see this now, but one day, you will look back and be grateful.
TSeptember 23, 2019 at 8:09 am #313749
Think of it this way: If your friends had depression and anxiety and had two kidney transplants they might do worse!
And think of this: Not everyone graduates from college. I read a shocking statistic that half of people drop out, take several years to do it, or take years off. It doesn’t have to be done in four years. What was common in my day is NOT common now. I know someone who works for a living and can only take one course a semester. She won’t get her degree until she’s fifty something but she is totally fine with that!
Sounds like it’s good you’re no longer with your judgmental girlfriend. She really did wonders for your anxiety and depression, eh? *sarcasm*
The important thing is to begin. Get a job, any job. Take a class, any class. Drop classes if it’s not too late and FINISH the one/two you keep.
Routines are lifesavers too.
Read a little, write a little, and review your notes everyday. That is the secret to getting through college.