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Intimacy after Infidelity ?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • February 21, 2014 at 6:05 pm #51528
    angry after so long
    Participant

    Good morning all,
    I have been doing some serious introspection and trying to recover and enlightening myself from last year’s event ( she cheated after a 3 yr relationship, right before we were to be engaged) , and have had recently started my search to find someone in tune with me.. through this search and meeting new people, one thing has changed, I am not really feeling the sense of intimacy with anyone, not just sex but being physically close to someone, for some reason it has been tainted. A part of me says I shouldnt just be intimate with just anyone, but then i am afraid if the whole storm of infidelity last year has cocooned me, that now i am trying to shield myself from any other girl giving me this much hurt. How do I balance the basic human urges and this unsettling feeling, is it me just building a wall because now i see sex as dirty or is it something more spiritual ? What are your views on casual consensual sex ? These questions are weird from a 28 year old single man but they do sometimes make me feel inadequate.
    Thanks for the great posts and comments, its funny how much they affect my mood-

    Ray

    February 23, 2014 at 8:42 am #51563
    angry after so long
    Participant

    am i being completely out of line here?

    February 23, 2014 at 10:04 am #51566
    Matt
    Participant

    Ray,

    Not out of line, just impatient, which is fine. 🙂 Sometimes it takes a little time!

    I don’t think your sense of sex is corrupted, just hurt. Consider that its like it is bruised, and has to grieve and let go. She was “your woman” for a long time and it’ll take some time to heal. Said differently, there is perhaps an association that “her=woman=untrustworthy” that keeps you a little closed off, guarded. It probably doesn’t halt your actual sex drive, just the feeling of closeness… perhaps you pull back, much like we protect a bruise from extra pressure. It hurts! But the allure! Over time, when we see and trust that people are different, and most women are true to their hearts, opening up becomes simple. Said differently, over time as our bruises heal, connecting becomes less painful, confusing.

    As for casual, consentual sex, it seems fine to me, but its not my preference. As trust builds, so does the connection, the vibrance. Its difficult to be trusting with people we don’t know well, because sex can be an awkward affair. Lots of sensitive spots emotionally, physically, and so forth, and when trust is newly buddhing, sharing those spots and preferences requires lots of courage if the heart is involved.

    Were I in your shoes, I would stop trying to look for someone in tune with you, what does that even mean? Instead, look for someone that sparkles, or just look. What do you see that is beautiful? What shines in your eyes? Then explore. Question, dance, consider, play… you don’t have to wait and ask for a dance from the mother of your babies, go find a partner that seems interesting and explore. You don’t have to have sex or become deeply intimate until you’re ready, letting it blossom naturally, and certainly not to be feared. Its a lot of fun (I’m sure at least some of you remembers how fun) but we have to play nice or people get hurt. She wasn’t nice, but many are if not most.

    Finally, consider that the heart you bring, the trueness you have will be very settling for a woman, making your hugs more authentic, more grounding. Said differently, because you’ve been hurt from love, you know how painful it is, and definitely don’t want others to go through it. So you’ll very naturally erode any desire to be dishonest or disloyal, and instead be honest and loyal. That commitment, intention, and hope will help attract someone that feels the same. Then, the sky’s the limit!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    February 23, 2014 at 3:00 pm #51598
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hello,

    I do not have that much time to write, but I wanted to say that I could relate.

    I agree with Matt that you are not out of line at all, it just seems like a natural reaction when you are hurt and not ready to try again. From my experience it gets easier, but not when I was trying to force it.

    Got to run…but good luck. You are not alone.

    February 25, 2014 at 5:46 pm #51756
    angry after so long
    Participant

    ” you don’t have to wait and ask for a dance from the mother of your babies, go find a partner that seems interesting and explore. You don’t have to have sex or become deeply intimate until you’re ready, letting it blossom naturally, and certainly not to be feared.” well said Matt, I both chuckled and got worried at the same time.. This is what i really want to do.. to meet people and explore, but my insecurities (much worse now) hold me back. and I am really trying to get “through” them. However, a part of me still wonders, how can you resist falling into the trap we call the infatuation phase/ the honeymoon period/ the love goggles/ le vie en rose ? physical intimacy follows and then am worried falling into this cycle of unhealthy attachment and co dependency, just as the last time ? other option is to wait till i am confident with my own self and then explore.. but that leaves me living like a hermit (which is where the original question of casual sex fits in) I , in my truest core, do not feel right doing this, but it still remains better than cheating on someone just because you were not brave enough to end it after getting intimate initially…

    February 25, 2014 at 7:55 pm #51788
    Matt
    Participant

    Ray,

    Sometimes when we’ve been hurt intimately, we lose trust for others and ourselves. How can you be sure, for instance, that you won’t fall into the same pattern again? Then, there’s our sex drive, which as it gets running makes women shinier and shinier… almost pitting our heart against our wand. Whew!

    Consider that self nurturing is a key to building a core of inner strength. Taking time each day to meditate, exercise, paint, write, hop in the bathtub, listen to soft music, or whatever helps our body relax and unwind builds an emotional strength that makes the chaos of our “procreative shindig” less difficult. Said differently, if we take the time to self nurture, then we don’t reach out from loneliness or horniness (or as often). This let’s us use our brakes when we need them. For instance, after a first date, if the mind starts racing with thoughts of where it might go (or more likely, how what you have said might have been misinterpreted/judged as dorky)… we don’t get “sucked in” and instead see “racing mind”. Or, if she wore a boob shirt and her cleavage is sparkling, its “ahh, sexual desire” rather than “she is the answer to my need”. This very naturally gives us a lot of control over how deep we dive in… and love becomes much more like a flower we blossom as we feed it, than a rocket ship that once ignited is heading out of the atmosphere.

    Finally, that trust won’t really blossom in a vacuum. You can prepare for it through nuturance and self compassion, reading and so forth, but its only in the actual dance of it that we find our rhythm, develop self trust. Sometimes, even though its scary, you have to just get your butt of the seat and jump in. 🙂 Try to remember to have fun along the way, it is a dance after all. Namaste, brother.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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