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Intimacy -sex talk in relationship

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  • #326359
    Jennie90
    Participant

    Hello guys, hope you’re doing well.

    It’s been two days I’m thinking of talking. My issue is that I’m in 3.5 yrs of relationship- dating. I’ve known my boyfriend at work. I’m his first gf but I had a previous relationship was about to get married but I broke up with my ex  because he was constantly cheating on me. At first it was not easy to just jump into another relationship. Changed job , within 9 months my now boyfriend proposed to me. It was hard for me to accept I took time  two months to say yes. My ex got engaged to another girl. I had a new relationship frankly to say I was still in love with my ex. I liked my now bf eligible bachelor well educated handsome but love? Was not on the list! I remember I couldn’t say I love you to him. He noticed but said nothing he loved me nevertheless, cared did everything to make me happy. He was 28, what amazed me was that he was a virgin! Never had sex.

    For me I was all into it in my previous relationship. I’ve been with  him now nearly 3.5  years. We have been intimate just touching and kissing but no sex yet he says he is keeping things for marriage, he is 31! And we are in long distance relationship since 1.5 yrs. Now I feel the need to be with him sometimes I miss him too much that I feel to cry.I want to talk to him about this. He is going  to visit me soon, I wanted us to have our own time, and started to think about the intimacy thing but I fear if ever I tell him it’s time to get intimate physically and if we do really. It gonna be hard for both of us when it’s time to leave. The thing is that I cannot really tell him about this but I want to. He wants us to focus on our career and then we’ll get settled then comes afterwards sex life. He Also told me that he can stop his temptations for anything.

    All I want is your advice.

     

    Thanks a ton.

     

    Jennie.

     

     

    #326369
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jennie:

    You shared that your current relationship is your second relationship and his first. You met him (28, now 31, “well educated, handsome”) at work, nine months later he proposed to you, and two months later you said Yes.  You’ve been in this relationship 3.5 year long, the last 1.5 years of it has been long distance. He never had sex before meeting you, and you did, in the context of your first relationship. Together, the two of you didn’t have  sex beyond kissing and touching. “he says he is keeping things for marriage”.

    “I want to talk to him about this” when he visits you soon. I don’t know what it is you want to talk to him about: is it that you want to have sex with him before marriage, against his wishes to wait for marriage?

    And when is the marriage going to take place, is there a planned set?

    anita

     

     

    .

    #326401
    Jennie90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for taking time to reply to me. Firstly, I don’t know when we gonna get settled yet. We are both like away from each other haven’t seen him in these 1.5 yrs it’s hard for both of us. UK and US? Nevertheless it’s been  a beautiful time together if you know what I mean I realised soon after coming here he is the person for me and I started to love him even more. As far as the intimacy thing he is not been crystal clear about it. It’s his first relationship. I don’t know maybe he is hesitant or something I’m not sure because he is 31 , mature guy I don’t think that he doesn’t want to do it?

    From my point this long distance is bringing us closer this is what I feel and for me it’s time because we haven’t planned our wedding yet nothing officially pronounced. But we know it’s about us. Also I’m really very shy when he tells me things I asked him if he wants me to be shy he said yes a bit.

    Think this is the current situation. But I also fear that if we do it and he returns to US he will have that urge while I’m away and that won’t be any good. Nothing like trust issues. But still…

    Thank you

     

     

     

    #326429
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jennie90:

    You are welcome. The two of you got engaged, that is, promised each other to marry about 2.5 years ago (?), but no plans for when (or where) a marriage will take place. You haven’t seen him for 1.5 years. He will soon visit you. You miss him, you want to be intimate with him sexually, but it would be the first time, and you are worried that if you were to be intimate this way during his visit, it will be harder to say goodbye at the end of the visit, and  that his sexual appetite will awaken and he will have sex with another woman after the visit. (You had a boyfriend before him who cheated on you a lot. You don’t want to experience that again).

    You wrote: “He wants us to focus on our career and then we’ll get settled, then comes afterwards sex life… that he can stop his temptations for anything”, that “he is keeping things for marriage”,  and you “asked him if he wants me to be shy he said yes a bit”.

    This is what I understand from this bit of information: maybe he was raised religious or very traditionally, taught that sex comes after marriage, and unlike so many people raised this way, he actually followed through and didnt have sex in his 31 years because he didn’t get married yet. Quite admirable, such dedication to his family’s teaching and values.

    Maybe he is very shy, and this is why he prefers that you will be somewhat shy too. Maybe he was raised in a reigious/ traditional home and he is shy, or very shy. These two things together make it so that he is and will be very uncomfortable to have sex with you before marriage- it will be breaking his family/ his own rules of 31 years!

    Imagining he never had any kind of sex that involves him being naked, or the direct touching of certain naked body parts, if he never experienced that, and during the visit with you, for the first time in his 31 years, he does, then he returns to where he now lives, away from you, he may be wondering: what have I done? Thirty one years I believed a certain way, lived a certain way and now what..? He may be very disappointed with himself. This may lead to him experiencing a mental/ emotional crisis back where he now lives. It will interrupt the plans to marry and live together. Plus, within that emotional crisis, he may do something impulsive, thinking something like: I already broke my rules, no big deal if I break them again!

    If this is the case, I wouldn’t have sex with him during the visit and not before the two of you  get married. Let’s say the two of you live in the same place again, you can marry quickly and have sex sooner than later that way (later you can have a big wedding party for family and such).

    If you are sure that no matter how your sex life with him will be (you don’t know the details), you want to marry him regardless, figuring that he will continue to care and do everything to make you happy (“He.. cared did everything to make me happy”), and everything includes sexual everything, to the best of his ability- then I hope practical arrangements are made soon for the two of you to live in the same place, jobs and all. I would focus on making that happen- this engagement has lasted for too long. I figure when two adults promise to marry each other (get engaged), there should be a time limit to the engagement, it shouldn’t carry on for years and years. If the two are not prepared to get married after a year or two of engagement, I figure, might as well cancel the engagement and re-evaluate.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #326461
    Jennie90
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I got your point actually I think I will wait for him to speak about this because he is the kind of person who keeps things straight and right I would not like him to suffer while I’m away by me asking him. If it happens naturally it’s another thing if he still wants to keep this for later I’m fine as it is I haven’t had sex life for 3.5 yrs. But we are no way going to split apart due to sex! We made it clear it’s either both of us together or no one else. Very defined.

    Thank you.

     

    Jennie

    #326533
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jennie90:

    You are welcome. You do read “Very defined”, very dedicated to this man and to your future marriage with him. I hope that practical arrangements are made for the two of you to be living here or there in 2020. Like I wrote, when a couple gets engaged, the idea is to get married within a limited future time. It is not fair, let’s say, for one of the parties to a proposed marriage to hold the other party hostage as a fiancé indefinitely.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

    #326535
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jennie90:

    One more thing, as it occurred to me after I submitted the above: throughout the time you’ve known this man, particularly when the two of you spent time kissing and touching (which you wrote that you did), did you ever see or feel an erection on his part? I am not expecting you to answer this here, fine with me if you do, fine if you don’t. My point is: if you didn’t, it is possible that he suffers from sexual dysfunction (while in the presence of a woman, at least), and that may be a reason why he hadn’t have sex so far with a woman.

    anita

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