Dear Julia:

It is quite amazing, I just noticed the title of your thread: “Is he being honest with himself and me?” –

– what is clear to me is that you were emotionally invested in him beyond the sex from the very beginning, or very close to the very beginning of the relationship but it is you who hasn’t been honest about it, not with yourself and not with him.

The indications of your emotional investment in him, beyond sex, are many throughout your writing. And yet, you almost.. insist that this was and can be a friends-with-benefits relationship. Definitely not on your part, so even if it is possible on his part, it takes two.

You referred to him as a rebound man but I don’t think he is more of a rebound than the man before him and the one before.

I was wondering about the time you spent time with him, that insight he said you had into him, was that a result of you asking him many questions about his past, his relationships with women before he met you (in particular his most recent ex), questions about his thoughts and feelings, sort of probing his mind?

Regarding the upcoming trip, is it a sure thing, and if so, how long will you be spending time with him, in what context?

anita

Dear Julia:

He is confused, you said it yourself. But you don’t have to be confused, do you? I mean, if you know what it is that you want, you can tell him just that, what you want, before the trip, then figure if you should go on that trip.

What  is it that you really want in the context of a relationship with him/ with a man, close your eyes and take deep, slow breaths, then, calm type away whatever comes to your mind as an answer to my question. Don’t edit it.

anita

Dear Julia:

I reread and studied your posts this morning and my current understanding surprises me, I didn’t understand the following before this very morning:

In one of your posts you considered something: “he’s pulling away when I admit being into him- he’s getting what he wants and loses interest?!”-

– this was your projection into him: if he will be into you, wanting to have a long term, monogamous love relationship with you, it will be you who will lose interest in him.

You suggested it yourself in the next sentence: “Same for me, when I noticed he started being all ’emotional’ I felt like he’s not that interesting, too available, just another guy who feel for me (I consider myself attractive and men pursue me fairly often)”.

You wrote at one point that you are not emotionally strong and this is how I viewed you before this morning, in the context of relationships with men. But this morning I see a strength I didn’t see before: you are able to maneuver or manipulate your feelings so to serve your interests. You can direct yourself to feel love, and you can direct yourself to lose the loving feeling-

-You wrote: “I never thought about love as something that one can subconsciously ‘induce’ on themselves, but I do now. It’s like I’m more open and receptive for falling in love than I ‘should be’… I feel like I can reason with myself and mentally ‘pull back from falling in love’ with this guy… And I admit I was losing interest at times, especially when my friends were saying he’s not a guy for me”.

Because of your previous heartbreak experiences in relationships you developed the ability to induce love and lose love upon command, not perfectly but.. you are working on it.

This strength of yours will break his heart. He told you that his previous girlfriend “left him when he was at the peak of his feeling for her”. Your strength will lead to a repeat in his experience: you too will leave him at the peak of his feelings for you.

When you met him you had a goal in mind, to use him so to get over your ex: “After my breakup I started hooking up with this new guy to help me get over my ex”. You currently have another man, a friend-with-benefits and this strength I  mentioned here is making it possible for you to not get emotionally involved with this other man.

The way I see it, your goal regarding the upcoming trip is to get him to want you for a long term relationship and then dump him. Not that you consciously have this evil plan, but putting together the conscious and what’s underneath it, this is your plan.

Of course I don’t want to help you figure him out at this point, now that I know how you will be using this kind of information.

This strength can serve you in certain contexts but it will prevent you from reaching your relationship objective, having the “ability to share with each other and be vulnerable, be accepted the way I am, be able to grow and make each other better people“.

anita