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Is he being honest with himself and me?

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This topic contains 88 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 20 hours, 57 minutes ago.

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  • #294015

    Julia
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m trying to uncover the feelings of my “sort of relationship”. I’ve never been in such situation and mostly want to learn from it.

    I posted in another forum on how I was going through a hard breakup and met someone around the same time. He was also going through a breakup, his ex of almost a year left him last November. We texted each other, met for a drink and hooked up… He let me know that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he needed to work on himself. We agreed that the current arrangement worked for both of us. We went on dates about once every 1-2 weeks for 1,5 months. I went out of town for a week to have a final breakup talk with my ex, came back for a weekend before going away again for 2 weeks (I travel a lot for work). Strange thing happened that weekend. We met up for a drink and he told me (out of the blue) that he doesn’t want to lead me on. I was taken aback because I wasn’t suggesting I was falling for him at any point. As we were falling asleep that night he said he knew I “was falling for him”. I mumbled something about “should I be embarrassed?” I didn’t want to come off as too strong in admitting my feelings, moreover I didn’t know if I had them to begin with. So I neither confirmed nor denied it.

    Then I left for 2 weeks. He liked the idea of me partying, sleeping with others even and I never denied his fantasies (although I didn’t end up sleeping with others). He had to travel for work as well for 2 weeks. We stayed in touch the whole time we were away. He was suggesting we travel together and see places. We agreed to go to Chicago for Memorial day. The weekend he came back I was getting ready to move apartments. He came to help me pack straight from the plane. I didn’t really asked, he just showed up. At some point during the evening I asked him if he hooked up with somebody while away and he said yes.

    I felt something. Next day when he left, I messaged him saying something changed between us. I think I was jealous and it stung me a bit. I know I didn’t have the right to be, but I was acknowledging my feelings. He came back to my place just to talk about it. He asked how strongly do I feel about him, and I just said I liked him. He said he liked me too. Again I didn’t want to come off too strong. He asked when was the last time I had sex with someone other than him after we started seeing each other (it was a month before). He said he didn’t feel jealous.

    He offered me to stay at his place while my stuff was packed (again I didn’t ask). The second night he asked if we can talk (I was out with a friend for dinner and didn’t plan to see him up until going to bed), he came to tell me that it didn’t feel right to continue, that he wanted to “fall into me” and feel intense connection, but didn’t feel it. He asked if we can be friends, and I said no. I said I wanted keep having sex. I also told him that I felt like he was projecting his feelings onto me (and I still kind of think so, this is what I’m trying to understand). I asked him if this is what happened with his ex, whether he fell for her and she walked away and left him hurt. He sad “yes” and started tearing. He said I can see right into it, better than his therapist, and I’m good at asking the right questions.

    He ended up helping me move into my new apartment and we spent 5 nights together right after not seeing each other for a month. He decided to take a break to figure out his feelings.

    Finally, our last talk this Monday. He came to tell me again that he didn’t feel we had a deep connection. He said the person he hooked up on that trip with, felt more right. I said I didn’t want to only be his friend, I wanted that and more (I felt like it when I was saying it but I also wonder if I just wanted to keep my rebound). I told him that 1) we were each other rebounds and it rarely works, and I was coming into this knowing that we’re rebounds (remember how he himself told me in the beginning he wasn’t ready for a relationship? so I was naturally holding back) and 2) I don’t think we gave it a fair chance (again we were rebounds, naturally) and that we could use our upcoming trip to see what it could look like if we did. He agreed, got all excited and we spent the night all lovey dovey and coupl-y and hooked up. I was very happy that night.

    But I woke up the next morning to him changing his mind, he said let’s still go on a trip but don’t expect things to change. I asked if we can be friends with benefits, he said no, because he didn’t want me to attach.

    My friends think that he fell for me and tested me with all these stories and questions whether I felt the same. He didn’t want to get hurt again and was playing it safe. They don’t even believe the hookup on a trip story was real. And what kind of man would turn down a free offer to have sex? Especially if he doesn’t feel connection, meaning he, himself, won’t get hurt and I’m ok with this arrangement.

    So I’m not only trying to understand how I actually feel which is on me. I also curious to hear what the community thinks about his feelings? Do you think he really fell for me while saying the opposite? Did he want me to admit how I felt? I feel like I was kinda doing that, but maybe not convincing enough? Did we not have that deep connection (although I think we did at certain times) because I was pulling back? He showed me so much care that makes me believe it was more than sex to him? If so – is he lying about not feeling the connection? Is he trying to protect himself? Is he convincing himself “he’s not feeling it”?

    How do I understand this given that his words don’t really match his actions? And if I realize I truly like this guy – what should I do? It feels like I admit my feelings, he gets scared. When I pull back, he gets disappointed…

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  Julia.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  Julia.
    • This topic was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  Julia.
    #294135

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Julia:

    When this “sort of relationship” was over, you became “an emotional whack” and you asked for help, “Please help me” (from your previous thread). You wrote in that thread: “I told him I was perfectly ok with just sex”. If all this sort of relationship was indeed sex, would you be an emotional whack and urging someone to help you, if all you were missing since he broke up with you is.. solely sex?

    “We talked about it openly… Somehow these talks made me feel something for him”, you wrote there. In this thread, you shared more: “As we were falling asleep that night he said he knew I ‘was falling for him’… I didn’t want to come off as too strong in admitting my feelings… I didn’t know if I had them”

    Later, you wrote: “I felt something… something changed between us. I think I was jealous… I also told him that I felt he was projecting his feelings onto me”. Later he told you that the person he hooked up on a trip while being in that sort of relationship with you, “felt more right”. Later you had sex and the next morning he wanted to end this sort of relationship with you. You asked him to be friends-with-benefits and he said No, “because he didn’t want me to attach”.

    Reads to me that he did feel attached to you, so he did project his attachment to you, except that his projection was accurate, you did feel attached to him, beyond sex.

    I think that he is not interested in a monogamous love relationship. I think that you are. From your words, I was able to see that you are indeed attached to him, having fallen in love with him, somewhat. If I could tell and if he is minimally perceptive and having been present with you, he was able to see it himself.

    anita

    #294147

    Julia
    Participant

    Thank you for the reply Anita. Things you said make sense, but i think I missed a few important details now that I read your response and the events you pointed out. The way you described it indeed it looks like I’m clinging onto this “relationship”.

    Let me provide some more background and hopefully this will complete the picture.

    When I wrote my other post I was indeed an emotional whack, and the reason i think is because I was left alone to deal with my breakup #1 with my partner who I loved. Now that my distraction (the rebound guy) was leaving me I was left to deal with loneliness and lack of a guy presence (in any capacity as long as it’s romantic) in my life.

    Now a bit more about me and my life: i have never dated until the age of 17 (college) and when i started I haven’t been single ever since. Meaning every guy would replace a guy before him. I was staying in the relationship even unhappy until I found someone I was attracted to and who would reciprocate, so I can leave my previous bf. I had 3 long term relationships over the course of my life and they all were that way, including my last bf of 5 years than I’m trying to get over the breakup with. I think this new rebound guy was again seen as replacement for my 5 year relationship, and I just don’t want to be alone. The thing is I’m really really attracted to the rebound guy, but this is it. I don’t think I’m falling in love with him, he doesn’t inspire me, he’s not my “type” of guy mentally, meaning he doesn’t seem emotionally strong, he doesn’t know what he wants, he confuses me, it’s just a lot of he were to be my actual bf. When he left in the morning after saying we shouldn’t be friends, the first thing I felt was overwhelming sense of relief and I can’t disregard that. It did happen! Over the course of the day through I became more and more upset, had to leave work early and wrote that post.

    Now a bit about him as well: he’s still not over his 1 year relationship where (his words) she left him when he was at the peak of his feeling for her. He goes to therapy, he told me he’s not over her 3 weeks ago, and that’s why he’s sleeping around. All that makes sense and makes me think he’s not ready for a relationship with anyone, me or any other girl. Neither am I, I’m really fresh out of relationship. But if that’s the case for both of us, why would he bring up all that emotional talk? Why wouldn’t he agree to remain with just sex? Why was he so boyfriendy with me at times?

    I also think he’s looking for that intense connection he had with her and it’s just not fair to compare with us when neither of us were putting emotional energy into this (or so I thought?)

    Your thoughts are appreciated!

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Julia.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Julia.
    #294159

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Julia,

    I think I know what’s going on here:

    You are out of your long term relationship and wanted a rebound guy to boost your ego.

    He too is out of a long term relationship and wanted a rebound girl to boost his ego.

    Basically you want him to be more into you than you are into him.

    And conversely he wants you to be more into him than he is into you.

    Thus the Projections!! Of course he’s verbally “worried” that you are becoming attached! He’s desperately hoping for that!

    Please put the poor boy out of his misery. The next time he contacts you (don’t worry, he will!) cut him off immediately and say, “This isn’t working”. No explanations. Go games.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #294161

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Julia:

    I will be back to read your post to me (and anything you may add) when I am back in about 16 hours from now, and will reply then.

    anita

    #294169

    Julia
    Participant

    Inka!

    What you’re saying makes so so much sense to me! I do indeed feel like I just want someone to be into me that I’m remotely attracted to (because there are other people who want to date me but i don’t care b/c I’m not remotely into them). And as the one to always walk away, now that someone walked away from me (my partner of 5 years), I even more in need of that ego boost. And I’m sure that he’s in the same spot! It explains why he’s pulling away when I admit being into him – he’s getting what he wants and looses interest?! Same for me, when I noticed he started being all “emotional” I felt like he’s not that interesting, too available, just another guy who fell for me (I consider myself attractive and men pursue me fairly often). And I do acknowledge that I don’t think he inspires me, basically again i want a relationship (any relationship) for the wrong reasons. This is not love.

    But why then he refuses to stay FWB? What has he got to lose?

    And why do you think he’ll reach out again?

    Also – do you think if I pull back and tell him that I’m not interested in anything unless there’s sex, will that make him want to chase me? To get that ego boost rush?

    I’m also remembering he always tells me when I compliment him (great job doing that run! you’re a great at what you do! etc.) he says he loves it very much.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Julia.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Julia.
    #294183

    Mark
    Participant

    Julia,

    You said you have never been out of a relationship since you have been 17 yrs old (How old are you now?).  My guess is that you are using men as placeholders that keep you from being lonely, from facing yourself, from developing a richer world of relating to others including yourself.  As you said, you need an ego boost.

    My take is to forget about your current relationship with all the second guessing of his words and behavior along with your confusion about how you feel.  Go be with yourself for a while.  Do without guys and do things that enrich your inner world.  Do things with others without the intent of sex and relationships for a while. Be in that uncomfortable place of not having someone in your life so you can grow emotionally.

    What do you think?

    Mark

    #294185

    Julia
    Participant

    Mark,

    thank you for your reply. I’m 32 years old now. Everything you say makes sense to me.

    Part of my growth is understanding other people and how they can affect me. Everything happened to me for a reason and shaped me into the person I am today with good and bad. I want to learn from this (what to avoid? what this means? why is he acting this way? how much does it affect me? etc.). I always want to learn from my experiences. I think that’s fair.

    And yes, I agree, I need to learn by myself. Still, I want to learn from what has happened to me. Both my long term relationship breakup and this recent one. Thanks.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Julia.
    #294191

    Mark
    Participant

    Julia,

    Not sure what you are looking to learn besides, don’t jump into another relationship on the heels of ending the last one.  Both of you were not in the emotionally available because you both had not healed/grieved/learned from your last relationships.

    That’s my take.

    Mark

    #294229

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again!

    I just have a sneaking suspicion he’ll contact you again. Meaning if he does, I wouldn’t be surprised. Men love to eventually check up on their old consorts to see how we “are”. That maddening, “Hey, it’s Niles. How have you been doing? I’ve been doing x, y, z.”

    When that happens I would flip the script. Say or write back as if he’s a stalker you had been kindly patient with in the past: “Stop calling/texting me. It’s time to move on. Congratulations on x, y, z!”

    He will be thunderstruck. Let him be. You both are getting a little long in the tooth for ambiguity.

    And going forward, throw the sex thing out the window. It seems like it’s no big deal, but it is a biological glue that tries to keep people together who perhaps shouldn’t be.

    Inky

    #294247

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Julia:

    You wrote: “I want to learn from this (what to avoid? what this means? why is he acting this way? how much does it affect me? etc.). I always want to learn from my experiences… I want to learn from what has happened to me. Both my long term relationship breakup and this recent one”- the kind of learning you are interested in is the kind of learning I like to do, so I will proceed to do it in this post. I will point to possibilities as I read along, post after post, meaning everything I write is based on what I read at that point, not on all that you shared. When I am done you are welcome to give me your thoughts and feelings about what I will submit to you. The last post available to me as I type this is Inky’s, a bit more than 4 hours ago).

    This man told you “that he doesn’t want to lead me on” and you were surprised because, “I wasn’t suggesting I was falling for him at any point”, meaning you know that you didn’t say to him anything like I-am-falling-for-you. It looks like a thought occurred to him: she-is-falling-for-me. He heard his own thought. Why did the thought occurred to him? Because he interpreted your behavior as one congruent with a woman falling in love with him. It could be the way you looked at him, the softness in  your voice, things you said, such as you asking him “if he hooked up with somebody while away”, and/ or  telling him that “something changed between us”. Maybe he sensed your jealousy and interpreted it as you falling for him (“I was jealous and it stung me a bit”).

    It is clear to me that you were falling in love with him, in other words, getting emotionally attached to him and the same happened to him. Also clear to me that he was very conflicted, he was falling for you and he didn’t want to! For him, you were not strictly a sex object, that is clear. Neither was he that for you. And so, I agree with your friends who think “that he fell for (you)”, but I don’t think he was testing you with questions. I think he is conflicted, which is why he is attending therapy, isn’t it?

    I agree that “He didn’t want to get hurt again”- that is true to every human being and animal, no one wants to get hurt the first time or again, after that first time.

    “what kind of man would turn down a free offer to have sex?”- a man who has enough sex and is not very needy on any one particular day or night, a man who is distressed or depressed and doesn’t feel like it, these are two possibilities that come to mind.

    “He showed me so much care that makes me believe it was more than sex to him”- if he showed you so much care knowing he can have sex with you without showing that care, then I suppose his care is evidence that indeed you were more than strictly a sexual object to him.

    “is he lying about not feeling the connection”- he probably didn’t or doesn’t feel the connection at all times. At times he did.

    “Is he trying to protect himself?” – yes, he does, we all do.

    “It feels like I admit my feelings, he gets scared. When I pull back, he gets disappointed”- this means you did admit your feelings to him in some way, doesn’t it?

    “I was left alone to deal with my breakup #1 with my partner who I loved. Now that my distraction (the rebound guy) was leaving me I was left to deal with loneliness”- there is truth to it, but it is an overly simplified interpretation of what happened because a person’s loving feelings are not restricted to one particular person, to your former partner. The more recent man in your life was not a pure distraction. You had loving feelings for him too. He was not a replacement object for you, he was a person with his own uniqueness to you and you were getting attached to him.

    You shared that you dated since you were 17, 15 years at this point, you being 32. You haven’t been single throughout these 15 years because “every guy would replace a guy before him”. You shared that you stayed in relationships unhappy until you found another man you were attracted to who reciprocated that attraction.

    You wrote: “I don’t think I’m falling in love with him, he doesn’t inspire me, he’s not my ‘type’ of guy mentally, meaning he doesn’t seem emotionally strong, he doesn’t know what he wants”- like you, reads to me, not emotionally strong, that is, not knowing what you want in a relationship, or not being guided yourself by what you want in a relationship. Instead, you’ve been guided by your need to not be alone.

    “When he left in the morning after saying we shouldn’t be friends, the first thing I felt was  overwhelming sense of relief and I can’t disregard that… Over the course of the day through I became more and more upset”- reads to me that you felt relief because in the context of this relationship you felt distressed, at least often enough you felt distressed, so when it seemed like the relationship (or sort-of-relationship) was over, one where you experienced distress, you naturally felt a relief.

    Later on in the day you felt the distress you always felt when alone, since and before the beginning of your dating life, at 17.

    You shared about him, he was left by his previous girlfriend “when he was at the peak of his feeling for her”, he goes to therapy, he is not over her, “and that’s why he’s sleeping around”.

    “But if that’s the case for both of us, why would he bring up all that emotional talk? Why wouldn’t he agree to remain with just sex? Why was he so boyfriendy with me at times?”-

    – because his solution to his heartbreak regarding his ex girlfriend is not a solution that is working for him. If sleeping around was a solution that worked for him, he would have been… bright eyed and bushy tailed, having fun sleeping around. Some men are, he can’t do it, he.. is not like those other guys who are able to enjoy women as sexual objects.

    You wrote in a later post here: “he’s getting what he wants and loses interest?”- I don’t think so, what he wants is more than sex with a woman, he wants the deep connection he felt to his ex girlfriend, but he doesn’t want to get hurt.

    “when I noticed he started being all ’emotional’ I felt like he’s not that interesting, too available, just another guy who feel for me”- like him, you need the deep connection, and like him, you are afraid to get hurt, so you reject the opportunity to get hurt and you … conveniently lose the emotional desire for the man.

    “I want a relationship (any relationship) for the wrong reasons. This is not love”- I think you want a relationship so to feel love, to  give and receive love, a deep loving connection. But you are afraid to trust that connection and then, when the connection breaks, you will be too hurt.

    “But why then he refuses to stay FWB? What has he got to lose?”- I don’t think he ever settled into the FWB role, he never really was a FWB. He was a boyfriend falling in love.

    anita

     

    #294279

    Julia
    Participant

    Anita,

    First of all I want you to know how grateful I am for you thoughtful post and your help for me to untangle these emotions and events and learn from it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    I reread your post a few times and I want to share my thoughts. I think piece by piece like you broke it down it makes total sense to me, but I still have the main question in my head.

    You’re very insightful and I hope together we can get to the bottom of this and whether there’s a happy outcome of this for everyone and what it could be.

    “Because he interpreted your behavior as one congruent with a woman falling in love with him. “ Yes all of this is true and I probably did act in a way and that made him believe I was falling for him. And maybe I was. And maybe I am. This is what I’m trying to understand as well. I want to be honest with myself. Now I’d add that if I am actually falling for him, I fall for men for “the wrong reasons”. As Mark and Inky stated above I just don’t want to feel alone and I don’t want to deal with being by myself. I never thought about love as something that one can subconsciously “induce” on themselves, but I do now. It’s like I’m more open and receptive for falling in love than I “should be”. And that causes me to get into relationships quickly and on a rebound and for all the wrong reasons. Would you agree with that?

    If I think about it and look at it critically like that, I feel like I can reason with myself and mentally “pull back from falling in love” with this guy, if it’s not mutual.

    “Also clear to me that he was very conflicted, he was falling for you and he didn’t want to!” I agree with that, I even told him that, repeatedly again on our last talk. I said we didn’t give it fair chance and he agreed, but then he changed his mind in the morning. I said he didn’t want to fall for me, I was probably the first girl he was falling for after that dramatic relationship and breakup, so he was naturally scared. I said it all. He neither confirmed nor denied it.

    “he probably didn’t or doesn’t feel the connection at all times. At times he did.” I agree with this as well. I said our first dates we amazing and led to more dates, obviously we both enjoyed it. This would eventually developed into love that he was looking for. But he wants to walk away now.

    “this means you did admit your feelings to him in some way, doesn’t it?” Yes, I told him I liked him the night after he admitted he slept with other people, he said he liked me too. I also said I wanted to have him in my new life, I didn’t know in what capacity but I did. I alluded to FWB, relationship but I never said what exactly is that I’d want. I didn’t want to push any of it, I’d want this to be a mutual decision.

    “you, reads to me, not emotionally strong, “ Yes I can see it now too, I’m strong physically, I push hard and I’m overachiever, but emotionally I’m not strong whatsoever. I’ll get there, I just need to know how. Untangling this helps.

    “If sleeping around was a solution that worked for him, he would have been… bright eyed and bushy tailed, having fun sleeping around. “ I also agree with that, and I, also am trying to be able to do that. I think we both hoped for this “relationship” will be that distraction, just sex, but it stopped being that. I’d add I have another FWB person in my life, we respect each other, and we’re friends, but also attracted to each other so we hooked up a few times. I know there’s never a possibility of a relationship with that other guy and I’m perfectly ok with that. So it’s possible for me to have no strings attached sex. Just another data point.

    “I don’t think so, what he wants is more than sex with a woman, he wants the deep connection he felt to his ex girlfriend, but he doesn’t want to get hurt.” But it sounds like he isn’t getting this emotional connection with me right? Then why not just keep sex?

    “But you are afraid to trust that connection and then, when the connection breaks, you will be too hurt.” Well that’s what’s happening now, he’s breaking my heart by leaving me.

    Now the question still stands here: is he or is he not in love with me? A lot of what we untangled here does seem like he is, but telling me “it doesn’t feel right”, “it felt more right with that other person” he only met like twice. He also said he wanted to “be falling into me” and he didn’t feel like he was. My therapist said I wasn’t in a place to give him that intense emotional connection, that’s why he didn’t feel it. And I admit I was loosing interest at times, especially when my friends were saying he’s not a guy for me, you’re out of his league, etc.

    Please help me understand what are the feelings he’s actually experiencing. Is it love? If it is – I want him to come out and say it. And I will support him. I want to have him in my life if I can. If it’s love, and it’s mutual, I want to save it and cherish it, because love deserves it. There’s not enough of it in this world.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 15 hours ago by  Julia.
    • This reply was modified 6 days, 15 hours ago by  Julia.
    #294285

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Julia:

    You are very welcome. I will  be glad to do what I can to  help you get to the bottom of it, however long it takes.

    You wrote that maybe you did act in ways that made him believe that you were falling for him. And maybe you are falling for him, you wrote, but, “if I am actually falling for him, I fall for men for ‘the wrong reasons’.. I just don’t want to feel alone and I don’t want to deal with being by myself”-

    – no human wants to  be alone, really, we are social animals, we thrive in being together with other people. “I just don’t want to feel alone” is as natural for a social animal as can be. As humans we have to be together with other, only not all the time. And feeling desperate to be with  others to the point of let’s say being with just anyone, not being selective and/ or accepting mistreatment so to not be alone- these are not necessary.

    Not necessary in most circumstances. Interestingly in some extreme circumstances such as in prisons, prisoners prefer to be abused by fellow prisoners over being protected from others being in solitary confinement for too long. Thing is, our social desire to not be alone is intense.

    “It’s like I’m  more open and receptive to falling in love than ‘I should be’. And that causes me to get into relationships quickly and on a rebound”- I don’t understand this sentence adequately. . What I do understand that may be relevant to  this sentence is that you are too quick to get into relationships because of your anxiety being alone. Again, we all  get anxious at one time, being alone too long. But you (and many other people) get anxious too quickly, being alone. To be emotionally healthy we have to be able  to endure being alone at times, and thrive at times, being alone, get refreshed, rested before venturing again into togetherness with others.

    “I feel like I can reason with myself and mentally ‘pull back from falling in love’ with this guy, if it’s not mutual”- reads like a good thing. The principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is reasoning with ourselves and as a result our emotions adjust to our corrected, reasonable thinking. Do you see a problem with your ability to reason yourself and pull back emotionally?

    You told him that he was falling for you etc. and “He neither confirmed nor denied it”. But he did tell you (original post), “He said I can see right into it, better than his therapist, and I’m good at asking the right questions”- he too can see, as I do, that you are quite insightful. He neither confirmed or denied what you told him probably because he didn’t feel comfortable doing either, not because he disagreed with what he said.

    “emotionally I’m not strong… I’ll get there.. Untangling this helps”- understanding yourself and others will definitely help. You are motivated to understand, this motivation of yours is your greatest strength, I believe, in the context of moving forward to better emotional health and a future healthy relationship.

    “I’d add I have another FWB person in my life, we respect each other… so we hooked up a few times.. I’m perfectly ok  with that. So it’s possible for me to have no strings attached sex”- for now. It’s been only “a few times”, correct? I suppose it is possible for you to have sex with no strings attached for a while, in this or that circumstance, with this particular man, for now.

    Regarding he wanting more than sex with a woman, wanting a deep connection,  “it sounds like he isn’t getting this emotional connection with me right?”- I think he did feel that connection with you.

    Regarding what he told you, that “it doesn’t feel right” and it felt more right with a woman he met only twice, when I fist read it in a previous post, it read to me like a lie that he told you, trying to discourage you from pursuing him as a boyfriend. I may be wrong. He may be confused, very confused. If I understand correctly, your therapist suggested that he reacted to your loss of interest in him. I didn’t consider this part before this very moment and I don’t know of how you expressed to him your loss of interest in him.

    Can you elaborate on this part: when and in what ways did  you express to him a loss of interest, emotionally withdrawing from him, what did you say and what did you do that may have communicated that to  him?

    I am quickly losing my focus and will soon be away from the computer until  tomorrow morning. If you reply to me further, I will read and reply to you in about 16 hours from now.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #294299

    Julia
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, you’re also very very insightful. Thank you so much for all your help.

    “Do you see a problem with your ability to reason yourself and pull back emotionally?” Not sure if I’d call it a problem, but I certainly don’t want to miss out on love. If we love each other I’d be willing to give it a shot. Love is hard to find. It makes me sad he’d rather walk away from this  than try. I truly think we didn’t give it a fair chance.

    I want to remind the fact we’re still going on a trip next weekend. And when I woke up in the morning, he changed his mind and told me the trip wouldn’t change anything, so I shouldn’t hope. He said we did give this a fair chance, he also said it had nothing to do with the fact that we met so close to ending our previous relationships (basically denying that the fact that we were rebounds to each other had something to do with it). Apparently he has been lying there for an hour thinking about this.

    “It’s been only “a few times”, correct?” Yes correct and yes, you’re right I might develop feelings for this other guy in the future. Absolutely possible. I’ll be careful.

    “I think he did feel that connection with you.” Why is he saying the opposite?

    “it read to me like a lie that he told you, trying to discourage you from pursuing him as a boyfriend. “ Why would he do that?

    “He may be confused, very confused.” I think he is VERY confused. He suggested a week long break where he would talk to some friends about this. This is what he did, and came back with that “breakup talk”.

    “Can you elaborate on this part: when and in what ways did  you express to him a loss of interest, emotionally withdrawing from him, what did you say and what did you do that may have communicated that to  him?” This one is interesting. Let me pull some moments I can think about. I came back from a trip where my ex and I broke up. I was about to leave for 2 weeks again and only had a weekend in town. He wanted to see me, he kinda of bailed on evening 1 (he had prior plans but still wanted to meet), but then I told him I’m leaving for 2 weeks and would love to see him before I do, we met after he had a dinner with his friend. I suggested it was date, he said it wasn’t and he isn’t dating anyone except me. This was the evening when he told me I probably think we’re moving towards relationship for the first time, but I said no, I didn’t think that and I didn’t expect anything from him (thought this was me pulling away episode #1). That was also the night when he said he knew “I fell for him”. I mumbled “should I be embarrassed?” but neither confirmed nor denied it.

    Then I left, and I didn’t contact him while away although we used to text constantly. He initiated the contact (consider this episode #2).

    When I came back, he was gone for 2 weeks (and this was the trip where he had sex with others including that “feel right” chick). He told her btw that he’s seeing somebody in his current city (me), but sounds like they are still in touch. Was I just a placeholder for until he meets somebody / already did?

    But when we had a breakup talk and I was saying we’re not in it 100%, and I was pulling away during / after his trip, he said he didn’t think I was. I can’t remember the exact words now but the understanding I got from that post breakup morning talk is that he does think we tried and it didn’t feel right. Funny episode – he took a picture of us during the breakup talk (first ever picture of two of us), not super coupl-y picture but did happen.

    After that I said I’m taking a week long break to figure out my feelings now. But we’re still in occasional contact.

    How should I behave? I want to talk to him again, and express whatever the conclusion I come to. How should act during the trip if we end up going?

    Please let me know if I can elaborate on anything else. Looking forward your reply.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by  Julia.
    • This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by  Julia.
    #294305

    Julia
    Participant

    I also just reread our old messages. He changed his texting style after that trip (no heart emojis anymore, shorter answers, etc.) where he hooked up with her and / or after I told him I was getting jealous / the way I feel about him changed, I think I told him I didn’t like it and I will be expecting less of this (can’t remember now) but the point I wanted to get across is that he messed up. I was a bit cold and he probably sensed that. But I also thought that this means nothing to him since he kept having sex with other people.

    My guess is staying in communication with that her, helps him pull away from me, us 🙁

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 11 hours ago by  Julia.
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