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Hi everyone,
I’m trying to uncover the feelings of my “sort of relationship”. I’ve never been in such situation and mostly want to learn from it.
I posted in another forum on how I was going through a hard breakup and met someone around the same time. He was also going through a breakup, his ex of almost a year left him last November. We texted each other, met for a drink and hooked up… He let me know that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he needed to work on himself. We agreed that the current arrangement worked for both of us. We went on dates about once every 1-2 weeks for 1,5 months. I went out of town for a week to have a final breakup talk with my ex, came back for a weekend before going away again for 2 weeks (I travel a lot for work). Strange thing happened that weekend. We met up for a drink and he told me (out of the blue) that he doesn’t want to lead me on. I was taken aback because I wasn’t suggesting I was falling for him at any point. As we were falling asleep that night he said he knew I “was falling for him”. I mumbled something about “should I be embarrassed?” I didn’t want to come off as too strong in admitting my feelings, moreover I didn’t know if I had them to begin with. So I neither confirmed nor denied it.
Then I left for 2 weeks. He liked the idea of me partying, sleeping with others even and I never denied his fantasies (although I didn’t end up sleeping with others). He had to travel for work as well for 2 weeks. We stayed in touch the whole time we were away. He was suggesting we travel together and see places. We agreed to go to Chicago for Memorial day. The weekend he came back I was getting ready to move apartments. He came to help me pack straight from the plane. I didn’t really asked, he just showed up. At some point during the evening I asked him if he hooked up with somebody while away and he said yes.
I felt something. Next day when he left, I messaged him saying something changed between us. I think I was jealous and it stung me a bit. I know I didn’t have the right to be, but I was acknowledging my feelings. He came back to my place just to talk about it. He asked how strongly do I feel about him, and I just said I liked him. He said he liked me too. Again I didn’t want to come off too strong. He asked when was the last time I had sex with someone other than him after we started seeing each other (it was a month before). He said he didn’t feel jealous.
He offered me to stay at his place while my stuff was packed (again I didn’t ask). The second night he asked if we can talk (I was out with a friend for dinner and didn’t plan to see him up until going to bed), he came to tell me that it didn’t feel right to continue, that he wanted to “fall into me” and feel intense connection, but didn’t feel it. He asked if we can be friends, and I said no. I said I wanted keep having sex. I also told him that I felt like he was projecting his feelings onto me (and I still kind of think so, this is what I’m trying to understand). I asked him if this is what happened with his ex, whether he fell for her and she walked away and left him hurt. He sad “yes” and started tearing. He said I can see right into it, better than his therapist, and I’m good at asking the right questions.
He ended up helping me move into my new apartment and we spent 5 nights together right after not seeing each other for a month. He decided to take a break to figure out his feelings.
Finally, our last talk this Monday. He came to tell me again that he didn’t feel we had a deep connection. He said the person he hooked up on that trip with, felt more right. I said I didn’t want to only be his friend, I wanted that and more (I felt like it when I was saying it but I also wonder if I just wanted to keep my rebound). I told him that 1) we were each other rebounds and it rarely works, and I was coming into this knowing that we’re rebounds (remember how he himself told me in the beginning he wasn’t ready for a relationship? so I was naturally holding back) and 2) I don’t think we gave it a fair chance (again we were rebounds, naturally) and that we could use our upcoming trip to see what it could look like if we did. He agreed, got all excited and we spent the night all lovey dovey and coupl-y and hooked up. I was very happy that night.
But I woke up the next morning to him changing his mind, he said let’s still go on a trip but don’t expect things to change. I asked if we can be friends with benefits, he said no, because he didn’t want me to attach.
My friends think that he fell for me and tested me with all these stories and questions whether I felt the same. He didn’t want to get hurt again and was playing it safe. They don’t even believe the hookup on a trip story was real. And what kind of man would turn down a free offer to have sex? Especially if he doesn’t feel connection, meaning he, himself, won’t get hurt and I’m ok with this arrangement.
So I’m not only trying to understand how I actually feel which is on me. I also curious to hear what the community thinks about his feelings? Do you think he really fell for me while saying the opposite? Did he want me to admit how I felt? I feel like I was kinda doing that, but maybe not convincing enough? Did we not have that deep connection (although I think we did at certain times) because I was pulling back? He showed me so much care that makes me believe it was more than sex to him? If so – is he lying about not feeling the connection? Is he trying to protect himself? Is he convincing himself “he’s not feeling it”?
How do I understand this given that his words don’t really match his actions? And if I realize I truly like this guy – what should I do? It feels like I admit my feelings, he gets scared. When I pull back, he gets disappointed…
Thank you for the reply Anita. Things you said make sense, but i think I missed a few important details now that I read your response and the events you pointed out. The way you described it indeed it looks like I’m clinging onto this “relationship”.
Let me provide some more background and hopefully this will complete the picture.
When I wrote my other post I was indeed an emotional whack, and the reason i think is because I was left alone to deal with my breakup #1 with my partner who I loved. Now that my distraction (the rebound guy) was leaving me I was left to deal with loneliness and lack of a guy presence (in any capacity as long as it’s romantic) in my life.
Now a bit more about me and my life: i have never dated until the age of 17 (college) and when i started I haven’t been single ever since. Meaning every guy would replace a guy before him. I was staying in the relationship even unhappy until I found someone I was attracted to and who would reciprocate, so I can leave my previous bf. I had 3 long term relationships over the course of my life and they all were that way, including my last bf of 5 years than I’m trying to get over the breakup with. I think this new rebound guy was again seen as replacement for my 5 year relationship, and I just don’t want to be alone. The thing is I’m really really attracted to the rebound guy, but this is it. I don’t think I’m falling in love with him, he doesn’t inspire me, he’s not my “type” of guy mentally, meaning he doesn’t seem emotionally strong, he doesn’t know what he wants, he confuses me, it’s just a lot of he were to be my actual bf. When he left in the morning after saying we shouldn’t be friends, the first thing I felt was overwhelming sense of relief and I can’t disregard that. It did happen! Over the course of the day through I became more and more upset, had to leave work early and wrote that post.
Now a bit about him as well: he’s still not over his 1 year relationship where (his words) she left him when he was at the peak of his feeling for her. He goes to therapy, he told me he’s not over her 3 weeks ago, and that’s why he’s sleeping around. All that makes sense and makes me think he’s not ready for a relationship with anyone, me or any other girl. Neither am I, I’m really fresh out of relationship. But if that’s the case for both of us, why would he bring up all that emotional talk? Why wouldn’t he agree to remain with just sex? Why was he so boyfriendy with me at times?
I also think he’s looking for that intense connection he had with her and it’s just not fair to compare with us when neither of us were putting emotional energy into this (or so I thought?)
Your thoughts are appreciated!
Inka!
What you’re saying makes so so much sense to me! I do indeed feel like I just want someone to be into me that I’m remotely attracted to (because there are other people who want to date me but i don’t care b/c I’m not remotely into them). And as the one to always walk away, now that someone walked away from me (my partner of 5 years), I even more in need of that ego boost. And I’m sure that he’s in the same spot! It explains why he’s pulling away when I admit being into him – he’s getting what he wants and looses interest?! Same for me, when I noticed he started being all “emotional” I felt like he’s not that interesting, too available, just another guy who fell for me (I consider myself attractive and men pursue me fairly often). And I do acknowledge that I don’t think he inspires me, basically again i want a relationship (any relationship) for the wrong reasons. This is not love.
But why then he refuses to stay FWB? What has he got to lose?
And why do you think he’ll reach out again?
Also – do you think if I pull back and tell him that I’m not interested in anything unless there’s sex, will that make him want to chase me? To get that ego boost rush?
I’m also remembering he always tells me when I compliment him (great job doing that run! you’re a great at what you do! etc.) he says he loves it very much.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
Mark,
thank you for your reply. I’m 32 years old now. Everything you say makes sense to me.
Part of my growth is understanding other people and how they can affect me. Everything happened to me for a reason and shaped me into the person I am today with good and bad. I want to learn from this (what to avoid? what this means? why is he acting this way? how much does it affect me? etc.). I always want to learn from my experiences. I think that’s fair.
And yes, I agree, I need to learn by myself. Still, I want to learn from what has happened to me. Both my long term relationship breakup and this recent one. Thanks.
Anita,
First of all I want you to know how grateful I am for you thoughtful post and your help for me to untangle these emotions and events and learn from it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I reread your post a few times and I want to share my thoughts. I think piece by piece like you broke it down it makes total sense to me, but I still have the main question in my head.
You’re very insightful and I hope together we can get to the bottom of this and whether there’s a happy outcome of this for everyone and what it could be.
“Because he interpreted your behavior as one congruent with a woman falling in love with him. “ Yes all of this is true and I probably did act in a way and that made him believe I was falling for him. And maybe I was. And maybe I am. This is what I’m trying to understand as well. I want to be honest with myself. Now I’d add that if I am actually falling for him, I fall for men for “the wrong reasons”. As Mark and Inky stated above I just don’t want to feel alone and I don’t want to deal with being by myself. I never thought about love as something that one can subconsciously “induce” on themselves, but I do now. It’s like I’m more open and receptive for falling in love than I “should be”. And that causes me to get into relationships quickly and on a rebound and for all the wrong reasons. Would you agree with that?
If I think about it and look at it critically like that, I feel like I can reason with myself and mentally “pull back from falling in love” with this guy, if it’s not mutual.
“Also clear to me that he was very conflicted, he was falling for you and he didn’t want to!” I agree with that, I even told him that, repeatedly again on our last talk. I said we didn’t give it fair chance and he agreed, but then he changed his mind in the morning. I said he didn’t want to fall for me, I was probably the first girl he was falling for after that dramatic relationship and breakup, so he was naturally scared. I said it all. He neither confirmed nor denied it.
“he probably didn’t or doesn’t feel the connection at all times. At times he did.” I agree with this as well. I said our first dates we amazing and led to more dates, obviously we both enjoyed it. This would eventually developed into love that he was looking for. But he wants to walk away now.
“this means you did admit your feelings to him in some way, doesn’t it?” Yes, I told him I liked him the night after he admitted he slept with other people, he said he liked me too. I also said I wanted to have him in my new life, I didn’t know in what capacity but I did. I alluded to FWB, relationship but I never said what exactly is that I’d want. I didn’t want to push any of it, I’d want this to be a mutual decision.
“you, reads to me, not emotionally strong, “ Yes I can see it now too, I’m strong physically, I push hard and I’m overachiever, but emotionally I’m not strong whatsoever. I’ll get there, I just need to know how. Untangling this helps.
“If sleeping around was a solution that worked for him, he would have been… bright eyed and bushy tailed, having fun sleeping around. “ I also agree with that, and I, also am trying to be able to do that. I think we both hoped for this “relationship” will be that distraction, just sex, but it stopped being that. I’d add I have another FWB person in my life, we respect each other, and we’re friends, but also attracted to each other so we hooked up a few times. I know there’s never a possibility of a relationship with that other guy and I’m perfectly ok with that. So it’s possible for me to have no strings attached sex. Just another data point.
“I don’t think so, what he wants is more than sex with a woman, he wants the deep connection he felt to his ex girlfriend, but he doesn’t want to get hurt.” But it sounds like he isn’t getting this emotional connection with me right? Then why not just keep sex?
“But you are afraid to trust that connection and then, when the connection breaks, you will be too hurt.” Well that’s what’s happening now, he’s breaking my heart by leaving me.
Now the question still stands here: is he or is he not in love with me? A lot of what we untangled here does seem like he is, but telling me “it doesn’t feel right”, “it felt more right with that other person” he only met like twice. He also said he wanted to “be falling into me” and he didn’t feel like he was. My therapist said I wasn’t in a place to give him that intense emotional connection, that’s why he didn’t feel it. And I admit I was loosing interest at times, especially when my friends were saying he’s not a guy for me, you’re out of his league, etc.
Please help me understand what are the feelings he’s actually experiencing. Is it love? If it is – I want him to come out and say it. And I will support him. I want to have him in my life if I can. If it’s love, and it’s mutual, I want to save it and cherish it, because love deserves it. There’s not enough of it in this world.
Thank you Anita, you’re also very very insightful. Thank you so much for all your help.
“Do you see a problem with your ability to reason yourself and pull back emotionally?” Not sure if I’d call it a problem, but I certainly don’t want to miss out on love. If we love each other I’d be willing to give it a shot. Love is hard to find. It makes me sad he’d rather walk away from this than try. I truly think we didn’t give it a fair chance.
I want to remind the fact we’re still going on a trip next weekend. And when I woke up in the morning, he changed his mind and told me the trip wouldn’t change anything, so I shouldn’t hope. He said we did give this a fair chance, he also said it had nothing to do with the fact that we met so close to ending our previous relationships (basically denying that the fact that we were rebounds to each other had something to do with it). Apparently he has been lying there for an hour thinking about this.
“It’s been only “a few times”, correct?” Yes correct and yes, you’re right I might develop feelings for this other guy in the future. Absolutely possible. I’ll be careful.
“I think he did feel that connection with you.” Why is he saying the opposite?
“it read to me like a lie that he told you, trying to discourage you from pursuing him as a boyfriend. “ Why would he do that?
“He may be confused, very confused.” I think he is VERY confused. He suggested a week long break where he would talk to some friends about this. This is what he did, and came back with that “breakup talk”.
“Can you elaborate on this part: when and in what ways did you express to him a loss of interest, emotionally withdrawing from him, what did you say and what did you do that may have communicated that to him?” This one is interesting. Let me pull some moments I can think about. I came back from a trip where my ex and I broke up. I was about to leave for 2 weeks again and only had a weekend in town. He wanted to see me, he kinda of bailed on evening 1 (he had prior plans but still wanted to meet), but then I told him I’m leaving for 2 weeks and would love to see him before I do, we met after he had a dinner with his friend. I suggested it was date, he said it wasn’t and he isn’t dating anyone except me. This was the evening when he told me I probably think we’re moving towards relationship for the first time, but I said no, I didn’t think that and I didn’t expect anything from him (thought this was me pulling away episode #1). That was also the night when he said he knew “I fell for him”. I mumbled “should I be embarrassed?” but neither confirmed nor denied it.
Then I left, and I didn’t contact him while away although we used to text constantly. He initiated the contact (consider this episode #2).
When I came back, he was gone for 2 weeks (and this was the trip where he had sex with others including that “feel right” chick). He told her btw that he’s seeing somebody in his current city (me), but sounds like they are still in touch. Was I just a placeholder for until he meets somebody / already did?
But when we had a breakup talk and I was saying we’re not in it 100%, and I was pulling away during / after his trip, he said he didn’t think I was. I can’t remember the exact words now but the understanding I got from that post breakup morning talk is that he does think we tried and it didn’t feel right. Funny episode – he took a picture of us during the breakup talk (first ever picture of two of us), not super coupl-y picture but did happen.
After that I said I’m taking a week long break to figure out my feelings now. But we’re still in occasional contact.
How should I behave? I want to talk to him again, and express whatever the conclusion I come to. How should act during the trip if we end up going?
Please let me know if I can elaborate on anything else. Looking forward your reply.
I also just reread our old messages. He changed his texting style after that trip (no heart emojis anymore, shorter answers, etc.) where he hooked up with her and / or after I told him I was getting jealous / the way I feel about him changed, I think I told him I didn’t like it and I will be expecting less of this (can’t remember now) but the point I wanted to get across is that he messed up. I was a bit cold and he probably sensed that. But I also thought that this means nothing to him since he kept having sex with other people.
My guess is staying in communication with that her, helps him pull away from me, us 🙁
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