Is he sick of me or just stressed? Feeling REALLY anxious

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    maggie mac

    Lola, I just wrote you a detailed response and it went away when my internet went out for a sec. I will try again later hopefully. Just listen to your gut. Not your heart or your mind. Its that “feeling” you get about things. And ask yourself if you are getting what you need from him. Do his actions match his words? Do you feel valued and as a priority in his life?



    New update: so I saw him at the gym on friday and he didn’t kiss me goodbye and I was a bit anxious so I told someone close to me and they told me they think he doesn’t love me anymore and wants to leave me. It triggered me so so bad and I panicked, I texted him saying we had to talk. I told him that I’m scared he doesnt want me around and we argued. He said he’s just unhappy because of his life and I got scared because he was so defensive even tho i understand why. We argued on the phone for about an hour. Usually he’s very sweet when I’m anxious but he was…cruel this time. He said some crappy things and I know people say stuff when they’re angry but I’m hurt. I asked him if he was happy with me and he paused and said “not right now with this conversation” and I said “I mean in general” and he paused again and said he’s so unhappy with his life that nothing is making him happy. And I feel like he’s being honest because if I was the source, wouldn’t he have left by now? He said he’s sorry if his unhappiness seeps into our texts and when we see each other. Anyways he got really frustated so he said he was going to bed and he loves me and we got off the phone. He texted me a while later saying goodnight and that he’s sorry for upsetting me. We’re okay now but everything he said keeps rotating in my head…I’ve experienced depression before, I know what it does to people, and I hate that my anxiety makes it about me. I hate it. I love him a lot and it wasn’t like this before. I am happy with him, 100%. I just want us to get through this. My friends say relationships aren’t perfect and this was our first big fight and I agree with them but I can’t seem to get my anxiety to calm down.


    Oh one more thing! He said he’s sorry he’s been making his move and new job finding a priority and I said “I don’t expect you to make me a priority” because I misunderstood what he said. He replied “but you are a priority and should be and I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re not.”


    Dear Lola:

    I re-read your posts and it seems to me that your boyfriend does love you very much. You mentioned many indications that he cares for you and loves you. And he does deserve your empathy and consideration for his challenges and distress (“currently in the process of moving but hasn’t found a place yet. He’s also looking for a new job. I know he’s stressed…Also he’s struggled with depression before”).

    When you obsess on every little thing he says or doeesn’t say as indications of his lack of love  of you or plans to leave you, and then you talk to others, maybe even strangers, asking them what they think, that is not a good idea. Other people don’t know or they may be wrong. Then you get upset and more anxious. Better you talk about his behavior with your therapist when you do  have sessions. Otherwise selective as to whom you approach with questions about whether he loves you.

    This is what you wrote that leads me to believe that you love him: “I want to talk to him but I know my anxiety worries him and I don’t want to make things worse”- if I understand correctly, that your motivation was to not cause him worry, that is loving on your part.

    You wrote: “I worry I talk about me too much.. I just said I was sorry, why I act like I do, and that he can always tell me if he needs his space and that I’m here for him for anything”- that is loving on your part, to not want to talk too much, to apologize when an apology is due, and to offer him space, as well as your support otherwise.

    On the other hand, it is not loving on your part to argue and fight with him (“I saw him at the gym today and we kinda fought… I was being snappy and rude and we kept arguing… I told him that I’m scared he doesn’t want me and we argued”).

    I hope you manage your anxiety better, use skills that help, from taking long walks to guided meditation, yoga perhaps, soft music…




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