- This topic has 15 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
July 2, 2016 at 1:46 am #108711
This is more of internal rambling i suppose but lately i have been observing certain feelings and behaviors within myself that arent very helpful i think. My current relationship is about 7 months old – He is a great guy although now we have become long-distance and have no idea how things will pan out in the next 2-3 years in terms of where we shall be located.
I am moving ahead in a proper corporate career while he is either going for a job in his country or coming to mine for further studies. Will know for sure within a few weeks…
Anyway, what i appear to have become aware of are my trust issues – part of me struggles at times to truly believe he loves me and wants me as his girlfriend – I know its irrational on my part to feel this way because he has done everything he possibly could in his circumstances. He is understanding, kind and loving but i guess these insecure feelings tend to increase in long-distance when we dont have any contact for several hours, he is slow to reply at times etc. When i speak to him or am on a video call at most nights, that mild nagging feeling disappears. Sometimes part of me worries about his safety too given the number of attacks that seem to have amplified in his country and he lives in a sensitive area. I know he will be fine but its scary for me to see the news sometimes…I dont tell him about my trust issues though because he is very hurt by any shred of doubt on my part – I know he is an extremely loyal guy, the kind who is with someone till death does them apart types. I dont know why i feel this way at times.
I have always prided myself on being the independent, calm type who eventually manages her issues well. I have never been insecure like this in previous serious relationships but those are different stories. With him, i am a bit of a mess i think – like way more emotional than i usually am in relationships. I trust him, i know i am the one for him but i dont know what to do with this irrational fear of mine.
Does anyone have this too? Is it normal?July 2, 2016 at 5:33 am #108712AnonymousGuest
Dear Nina Sakura:
I woke up this morning very early with time on my hands. As I read your new thread I went back in history to threads you started in the past (first was 8 months ago) and replies you posted on others’ threads. I do like your replies to others. I found this one that applies to your current thread: “when you feel suspicious, ask yourself these questions –Does P love me?…Has he ever harmed me? Has he ever intentionally hurt me?
Is my relationship with P like that with my parents?”
My goodness, you wrote the last line that I will ask you about. First to your question: Is insecurity normal?” Notice who it is you are asking to tell you if this or that is normal: who has the authority to determine Normal? If normal means common then the answer is definitely: yes, insecurity is very common.
Back to your reply that I quoted, further worded by me: is there a connection between your insecurity with this man and the relationship between your parents?
anitaJuly 2, 2016 at 6:52 am #108720InkyParticipant
Hi Nina Sakura,
It could be that the energy you’re picking up is incongruent with what is being shown. Like someone could say and do all the right things, yet you don’t feel it from this person. You try to intellectualize your experience, and coming up with no answers, you blame yourself.
Or, as anita suggested, it could be parent issues. It was never “safe” emotionally to get too close/attached. And now for the first time in your life you’re feeling all these emotions and projecting them onto this guy with the fear that you will be let down.
One thing is for sure: Nothing beats face to face real time contact.
InkyJuly 2, 2016 at 10:47 am #108737
The answer to my own framed questions would be “when you feel suspicious, ask yourself these questions –Does P love me?…I think yes…Has he ever harmed me? Never… Has he ever intentionally hurt me?…Never, Is my relationship with P like that with my parents…Cant compare the two at all – its like apples and oranges”
Regarding the last questions, my relationship with my parents was quite positive and normal. Frankly, they are only people i trust fully. My insecurity with my bf has more to do with past relationships on hindsight. I was cheated in my first relationship which lasted about 5 years of which the last 3 years went long-distance relation. I sacrificed a lot for that guy and it hurt when he betrayed me in the end. My second serious boyfriend (not current one) did help this situation but i guess i never entirely got over it. So my conclusion is that the LDR thing is scary for me i guess, especially due to the growing security concerns in his country….I dont want to lose him suddenly one fine day. He lost his previous girlfriend and even his parents when he was young…during those times, he got lucky and survived. A part of me is scared his luck will run out at some point.
@Inky: I guess I am projecting my past relationships on this one though rationally I know the situation is different. Absolutely agree that nothing beats real time contact – he is isnt much of a chatting kind of person and my previous boyfriend was well, a massive chatting types. So i guess it will take a while for me to get used to this change. One good thing about my current boyfriend is his emphasis on video calling most days of the week unless he is super tired or letting me know why he was away for so long. I suppose I will have to make peace with the current situation and not overthink it.July 2, 2016 at 4:08 pm #108748Maria_LParticipant
(Little) Insecurity is normal in any relationship and in any period of it, as long as it doesn’t interrupt your chance to be happy and loved. I think that 7 months is that period of the relationship where you still get to know the other person on different level, there are butterflies in the stomach, jealousy can be often issue, emotions run high… Given the fact that he is away and you’ve been cheated on before, it’s no wonder you have some of those ‘bugs’ in your head. My current partner was cheated in his previous relationship, and he often traveled when we started dating… and he struggled to trust me completely even though I never gave him reason not to. It was tiring at times, but given the fact that he was one of the most reasonable and wonderful people I knew, I just decided to give him bit time, and asked him not to judge me for the crimes of his ex… 🙂 As years went by, we had a lot of life struggles, but after that short initial period, trust was never one of them.
I believe we all come with a certain baggage when we enter a new relationship, as much as we try to believe we are starting fresh. The ghosts and the failures of our past can always linger in the background of our mind. So maybe it is no wonder that we sometimes feel that trust is something to be earned, not given just like that from the very beginning.
And when it comes to the long distance, of course it is not the best option… But I know for many relationships during some period it was the only option. It takes strong determination to stay with each other and build a life together to get through this, and also through any other difficulty that will follow. Unfortunately, when it comes to love and future plans, only time has all the answers. We can only do the best we can given the circumstances in the moment, and hope that it will turn out right.
I believe that you and your boyfriend are doing the best you can in this situation, so if nothing else, you can at least be sure about that. I personally wish you a lot of luck, and i sympathize with the fact that he lives in dangerous area, I’ve been through that too. I hope that you’ll end up being happy and safe and together.July 2, 2016 at 9:22 pm #108754MattyParticipant
I agree with what the others have said. But i also wanted to add something to the mix. Trust is not something physical. As a result, we sometimes get confused by what trust actually consists of. As Anita stated above through your own words, you gave meaning to your own personal understanding of what trust means to you. People make a bit of a deal with living far distances away from the one you love. But it’s crucial to remember that distance doesn’t stop people from making mistakes or losing trust. I’m not quite sure how one goes about trust (my own personal question to myself currently) all I know is that when you feel comfortable that the other person is actually thinking about your well being, thinking about how you would react in X situation, then i think trust has been born. The main thing is that a bond is made before we can learn to trust one another, not the other way around, IMHO. By the sounds of things, you do trust your BF.
Insecurity is normal in the sense that as humans we are always afraid of losing what we have. Especially when we believe that we may not ever have ‘had’ something to begin with. In your case, it could just be that you feel that you haven’t formed a bond or relationship to the standard that you would of liked before the two of you were separated by space and distance. But this links into what you have mentioned about your previous relationships and that you are projecting your past worries and fears onto your current one. If anything, being away from each other gives you a better perspective on the relationship itself. Of course the relationship can ‘weaken’ in the sense that you are not together, sharing the same space as often as you want. But it can also ‘strengthen’ your relationship and make you truly cherish what you have.
I hope this has helped,
MAttyJuly 4, 2016 at 7:34 pm #108828Pretty FaceParticipant
Im kinda new to this, but im so glad Im not alone. I’m in a new relationship about 2 years in now. I’m so happy. But what happened in my last relationship really took a toll on me and it’s ruining my current relationship. These last couple of days we have been arguing day and night. I’m just so afraid to lose him. Sometimes I feel as though I rushed into this relationship too soon only because my insecurites seem to get in the way. He proposed to me the other day and I accepted. But how things are going now… i feel like we won’t make it. Someone please help me!July 4, 2016 at 7:34 pm #108829Pretty FaceParticipant
Im falling into depressionJuly 4, 2016 at 10:07 pm #108834BParticipant
Pretty Face, I’m sorry to hear that– why don’t you start a new thread with some details. There are plenty of people here that can offer you some insights. You will be okJuly 5, 2016 at 11:07 am #108884AnonymousGuest
* Dear Pretty Face: I second B: if you’d like, click FORUMS above, choose RELATIONSHIP as a Category, click it, go down the page to the empty box and type there, that will be your own post.
Dear Nina Sakura:
Please post again with more of your thoughts and emotions about this LTR and responses to the more recent replies to your thread.
anitaJuly 7, 2016 at 1:30 pm #109092
My apologies for the rather late reply – it has been a week of upheavals to say the least and i was away, too weary to write coherently.
@Maria_L : You are right about this and I am grateful that you shared your experience. I particularly found these words inspiring “Unfortunately, when it comes to love and future plans, only time has all the answers. We can only do the best we can given the circumstances in the moment, and hope that it will turn out right.” I will remind myself whenever there is a challenging moment. I realized in the last couple of days that I need to be stronger emotionally – There are lot of challenges ahead of us, he is the strongest person I know and i have to grow as well emotionally. I need to take more responsibility for my life instead of dwelling on past mistakes and the failures that occurred.
@Matty: I loved these lines:
But it’s crucial to remember that distance doesn’t stop people from making mistakes or losing trust.
Insecurity is normal in the sense that as humans we are always afraid of losing what we have. – i realized he too has his own set of insecurities, he is scared of losing me as well. The recent events have shaken him too.
If anything, being away from each other gives you a better perspective on the relationship itself. Of course the relationship can ‘weaken’ in the sense that you are not together, sharing the same space as often as you want. But it can also ‘strengthen’ your relationship and make you truly cherish what you have. – This distance is enabling me to learn more of him, we are talking about serious things more openly, expressing displeasure more clearly and I am discovering how much we inherently have in common in terms of where we want to be with eachother. When we lived together at the very beginning of the relationship, the bond was there but i think this last one month has somehow deepened it – the honeymoon is over but we are still here.
@Pretty Face: I am sorry you are suffering like this. I would like you to share more. It would be great if you could start a new thread, then more people will be able to respond. I third B and anita on this. Please do write more.
@Anita: What do you think about all that i have said so far?
NinaJuly 7, 2016 at 2:23 pm #109093AnonymousGuest
Well, I think you are as normal as can be and that yes, your insecurity is normal. Your boyfriend is in reality living in danger- so no wonder you are afraid for his safety. You are not imagining the danger in his country, it is real. He lost his parents, isn’t that what you wrote, so yes, the danger is close to him.
And you were cheated on by a previous boyfriend. That happens a whole lot in reality: betrayals of trust. So these dangers: physical, emotional, these are real and common.
So how can you live without fear?
key is to not be overwhelmed by it. I like this line from a poem: “Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.”
To aim at no longer be afraid forever more is delusion because we are in danger: we will die for one thing, 100%- so there. And then many of us die before old age. And what about automobile accidents, going on the road is danger every day, we have x% of severe injury and/ or death. And so it goes. Danger is real.
All we can do is minimize our statistical chances to get injured and die before old age. Be mindful, pay attention to avoid accidents and injuries, to avoid relationships with people who are abusive, untrustworthy. We can do a whole lot to make our lives as safe as possible.
And then we have to accept the rest with as much peace of mind as you can muster. Violence and dysfunction are widespread and common and we can’t help but be touched by it, if not squashed.
Sounds like your parents were good enough and your current boyfriend is a decent guy. I am glad for you. I think you are doing very well. Post anytime.
anitaJuly 8, 2016 at 2:26 am #109129
Thank you for the kind words. My biggest challenge at the moment is to be less of a cry baby in some situations frankly – like I have a very sane, clear cut and rational side but this irrational side of me is something that often leaves me wrecked. I sometimes break down easily, get directionless and indecisive about things. I have such negative thoughts and poor mental habits on many occasions. Its not something thats hampering my ability to live life but i feel that it has hampered me from achieving more professionally, school had been affected, career choices were a bit fuzzy – I am back on track now, though a little late compared to my peers by about 3 years i would say. It doesnt bother me so much now but i want to have more control over this highly sensitive, emotional wreck side.July 8, 2016 at 6:58 am #109147AnonymousGuest
Dear Nina Sakura:
This “irrational side” of you that often leaves you wrecked, as you put it, has a rational side to it, as crazy as it may sound: there is something you are not aware of now that you need to be aware of and that irrational side is trying to bring it to your awareness. If you see a real-life baby crying and you don’t know the reason for the crying, you may call it “irrational”- but only because you are not aware of the reason for the crying. The baby could be hungry- and therefore it is rational to cry so to get the mother’s attention and feed the baby.
Or the baby is sick- again, it is rational to get the attention of the mother so to save the baby’s life.
In a similar way, you become a wreck for a reason. Can you tell me more about the origin of “this highly sensitive, emotional wreck side” of yours? When did you first notice this side…? And will you tell me more about your relationship with your parents, as a child, and now?
anitaJuly 13, 2016 at 11:40 am #109582
I needed time to think – the relationship between me and my parents has been very positive. However, my depression issues are genetic to a huge extent – my mother too had episodes like this in her teens and early twenties before i was born. This has never reflected in her ability to fulfill her duties though – she has been a rock to say the least, very strong and calm. My father has seen a lot of hard days financially and is a self-made man – he always gave us the best facilities though, his time and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted in life so that we could have better. So I really admire the courage and love my parents have. I wish I had more of this too.
I really thought hard these few days – and realized this is a result of depressive episodes in the past. Many poor mental habits too. Then i look at my boyfriend and think “I will be brave like him”. When i see my mother, i think “I will be strong and loving like her”. When i see my dad, I think “No i wont give up on life so easily”….
My life isnt that complicated actually but i am making it way more complicated in my head. Thats where i need to stop – I wrote down a long list of the many ways i failed in my eyes, of the mistakes i made, of the thoughts i have when i am afraid and i realized I am way too afraid of life and I need to calm down. This isnt about my parents or the past – its about plain anxiety on some occasions. Some fear, some panic and lack of confidence is inevitable but i cant stop myself from pushing towards the life i want.
Sometimes i feel glad for all the things that didnt go as planned – it brought me closer to many things and helped me grow. I wont be that afraid anymore though and will do my best to go on despite the doubts and fears i have.