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is it hopeless

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  • September 29, 2019 at 5:50 am #314969
    Joe
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I really hope this changes and I get to see her or at least talk to her again, to try to clear the air.

    The argument was over something so small. I pray that it isn’t truly helpless.

    September 29, 2019 at 6:06 am #314975
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joe:

    You are welcome. But I don’t think I was of any help to you because a few moments ago you expressed that “The argument was over something so small”, when I think it was not at all over something small. I think that you wish it was small because you are very attached to her, very emotionally needy of her, so you close your eyes to the truth and make believe it is something small.

    anita

    September 29, 2019 at 7:37 am #314995
    Joe
    Participant

    not considering declining an invite the same thing as talking wasn’t small? i mean i get there’s an element of trust involved but i don’t think its anything that can’t be worked out. i make mistakes but i am a trustworthy person.

    September 29, 2019 at 7:47 am #314997
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joe:

    When I wrote to you last that the argument was not about something small, I didn’t refer specifically and exclusively to the fact that the guy sent you an invite which you declined. I was referring to the facts  that she looked into your phone, invading your privacy, never apologizing for it, and instead justifying it: I looked into your phone because you said you had nothing to hide, she told you.

    This means that nothing will stop her in the future from invading your privacy. And that is not “something so small”.

    Also, you apologized to her thoroughly but she did not even respond to you for a while and when she did, she was devoid of compassion for you. This is not “something so small” in the context of a supposedly loving relationship.

    anita

    September 29, 2019 at 9:24 am #315019
    Joe
    Participant

    i guess instead of small i should say it’s “stupid.”

    in my heart, i know i’m not really the one who is a fault. as i said, it wasn’t my intention to try to deceive her. but it still doesn’t make it any easier because the person i care about believes the opposite.

    September 29, 2019 at 9:34 am #315021
    Valora
    Participant

    I think the thing that is most important for you to remember here is that she is showing you who she is right now and it’s important for you to see it. Try to detach from your feelings/emotions for her for a minute and look at the things she’s done, that Anita describes in the post above.  If you were not emotionally attached to her, are those things that you would put up with or would think were okay?

    I know exactly how you feel when someone you care about thinks the opposite of how things really are as I’ve been in that position too, but I’ve also had to objectively look at the situation and realize that it was ME who wasn’t being treated fairly, just like she was not being fair to you.

    If you can look at this behavior and decide it’s not something you are happy with and she does come back, try not to take her immediately back without question but first make sure that she is willing to work on changing this behavior so that it doesn’t happen again.

    September 29, 2019 at 11:06 am #315037
    Joe
    Participant

    If she did come back I would of course question and say we have to take things slow. That was the plan originally. When we broke up She told me that one minute, she’d want to slow things down and the next she’d want to speed things up. But she knew that I wanted more so she did it for me. When actually I always told her we can go as slow as was needed. She was the one who suggested we become official and book vacations together. I wanted a relationship, but I wanted a relationship with her. I wanted to do the right thing for her from the very beginning. I wanted to show her that no one cares for her like I did. And I know I treated her better than anyone ever has in her life.

    I know in the first two weeks of the breakup, I made the mistake of reaching out too much. Because I was obviously scared to lose her and I wanted to convince her that this isn’t what she was thinking. Based on what I’ve said, does anyone think it’s something that can’t be recovered from?

    September 29, 2019 at 11:57 am #315045
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joe:

    Based on what you shared, if you were able at one time in the past “to take it slow” with her, you have not been able to take it slow for a while, and you are quite desperate for her at this point. I don’t know if the relationship can be recovered (your question) but I hope you can recover from it.

    (I will be back to the computer in hours from now)

    anita

    September 29, 2019 at 3:21 pm #315067
    Valora
    Participant

    But I think it’s not about taking things slow or fast, it’s her issues with trust that are the real problem here.  Relationship speed won’t make a difference when it comes to that. She never would’ve trusted you because she likely doesn’t trust anyone, and a relationship without trust won’t work. You could be the absolute best man on the planet for her and show her that in every way possible and it still won’t matter if she doesn’t fix those trust issues because they will likely end up sabotaging the relationship in the long run. And there also isn’t anything you can do or say that will logically convince her that there isn’t anything to worry about because those trust issues preceded your relationship. That’s something she has to work on herself and she’s the only one that can fix it.

    September 29, 2019 at 3:25 pm #315069
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * My hat off to you, Valora- perfectly stated!

     

    September 30, 2019 at 9:34 am #315183
    Joe
    Participant

    Thank You again, folks.

    Just one more question for you, simply because my anxiety is so high.

    Honestly, would anyone consider what I did, a lie?

    Like I said, I just didn’t consider it a conversation. So when she asked if I had talked to him, the answer is no. And it would be the same today.

    September 30, 2019 at 10:24 am #315193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joe:

    Yes it was a lie. It was a very short exchange that you had with the guy, but it was still an exchange of words, a short and limited conversation.

    Your lie followed her invading your privacy, using your phone without your permission.

    She knew that you talked with him, that is, exchanged a few words. She asked you testing you, to see if you will tell her the truth.

    Thing is, following what she did, she didn’t deserve the truth from you.

    anita

    September 30, 2019 at 12:28 pm #315221
    Valora
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita! I appreciate that.

     

    Dear Joe:

    A lie is defined as an “an intentionally false statement.”  Intentionally is the important word here.

    Did you remember that short exchange you had with your old friend when you said you hadn’t talked to him, intentionally leaving that out? If so, that was a lie.

    If you had forgotten about that short exchange right in that moment she questioned you or didn’t think it classified as a conversation but would have told her if you’d thought of it or if you knew SHE considered it a conversation, then it wasn’t a lie.  Intention is what matters here.  If you weren’t purposefully trying to keep something from her, I don’t think it can be considered a lie… by definition.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Valora.
    October 1, 2019 at 7:39 am #315331
    Joe
    Participant

    I honestly didn’t think it classified as a conversation. I never ever lied to this girl about anything. At times, I was perhaps too honest. I wanted to be the opposite of what she told me the other guys were. And I would never put the guy who upset her over her like she apparently thinks.

     

     

    October 1, 2019 at 8:31 am #315339
    Valora
    Participant

    I honestly didn’t think it classified as a conversation. I never ever lied to this girl about anything. At times, I was perhaps too honest. I wanted to be the opposite of what she told me the other guys were. And I would never put the guy who upset her over her like she apparently thinks.

    Yeah, I’d say it sounds like you didn’t lie, or intentionally mislead her, by telling her you hadn’t talked to him in 2 months. At the very least, I’d consider it an unreasonable thing for her to get mad over, especially when she was overstepping a privacy boundary and looking through your phone, essentially spying on you, which you did not deserve given your efforts to prove you are trustworthy.

    Honestly, it sounds to me like you should see this as good riddance. She has some growing up to do before she’s going to be able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, and this probably would’ve been a problem with her for your entire relationship if you’d stayed together, with you constantly having to walk on eggshells and strictly remember everything you do in case she snoops and then asks about it. Is that really how you want to live?

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