Is it wrong to move on…

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    This is a long one. Thank you in advance for reading.

    I have a daughter who is four years old. Her father and I’s relationship has been rocky for the last couple of years. The main issue was that he engaged in a textual relationship with an ex that had sexual undertones (images sent), and lied to me when confronted. (I had to message her to get the full story). I agreed to try to make it work after he expressed regret. About a year later, I saw texts he’d sent to friends that spoke about other women-mostly strangers, but also some friends-in very disrespectful, misogynistic ways. They were mostly in regard to ‘oh the things I’d do’ and such, comments on their appearance, who he would and would not ‘put it in’ etc. There were also texts in which he said disrespectful things about me based on disagreements that we’ve had. It was less like venting and more like laughing at me. When confronted, he got defensive, and would refuse to talk about it. This is how it continued for a long time.

    In the mean time, we split up but continued to live together until we could sell that home that I had all my money tied up in. After, I had a plan to move to another city where I had friends and he agreed. We’d live together temporarily until he found his own place. I put an offer in on a home, and when he went out for the inspection, decided he didn’t want to move back there and instead wanted to move to a different, much more expensive city, albeit one with both liked more. I objected because I was worried about how to make it work financially, but he persisted, and eventually I agreed to move there and we’d live together until we could both get on our feet.

    While living there, we were both on dating sites, doing a don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing. I ended up meeting someone I connected with instantly. That seemed to spark something in him, and he suddenly decided to open up to me, take his walls down, try to make it work, etc. I decided to try one more time. I saw him making honest, true changes: talking about the reasons behind his behavior, being less mean/confrontational, etc.  The problem is, I already started developing feelings for someone else, and I wanted nothing to do with him sexually. We can get along fine, but I don’t have feelings any more. I feel like I killed them over the past year just trying to survive.

    However, now I’m being made to feel guilty for not trying, for diving in with someone else, for acting selfishly, not thinking about the family, not recognizing that he’s truly trying to change. Etc.

    I guess my ultimate question is, do I trust my gut feeling, and go with the fact that I don’t feel that way towards him, and continue to pursue this new life I’ve established without him, or do I dig my feet in and make it work for my daughter’s sake?



    Dear Marisa:

    “do I trust my gut feeling, and go with the fact that I don’t feel that way towards him, and continue to pursue this new life I’ve established without him, or do I dig my feet in and make it work for my daughter’s sake?”-

    – my answer: go with the fact that you don’t feel that way towards him and continue to pursue your new life without him. Do so for your sake and for your daughter’s sake. It is in your daughter’s interest to (1) have a mother who is as emotionally healthy and content as possible, not  one who digs her feet into a bad marriage, getting more disturbed and depressed in that process, (2) not live in the same household with a misogynist man. Misogyny is “the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls” (Wikipedia), and your daughter is after all, a girl.

    More about misogyny, Wikipedia: “Misogyny is manifested in many different ways, from jokes to pornography to violence to the self-contempt women may be taught to feel toward their own bodies”- your husband’s misogynistic attitude will continue to be expressed at home, in his talk at the least, in one way or another: in subtle, covert ways, if not in harsh, overt ways, and your daughter will notice and be affected.

    Wikipedia, continued: “Women, after hearing men demean the value and skills of  women repeatedly, eventually internalize their beliefs and apply misogynistic beliefs to themselves and other women”-  not a good thing for your daughter.. or for you.

    Also, misogynist men reward “good women” who accept their alleged inferiority and promote their own oppression, and punish “bad women” who reject their alleged inferiority and oppression. You don’t want your daughter to try to be that kind of good girl/ woman so to please her father.

    What do you think?




    Hi Marisa,

    I’m new here, and I’m not competent enough to give you worthwhile advice. But I want to say the only thing regarding your thread title: THIS IS NOT WRONG. I’m from Russia, and women there are often told to raise the child in a nuclear family. It’s considered “wrong” to live without a husband. But what’s really wrong is your child seeing the disrespectful father humiliating his wife’s feelings.

    You’re the only person who can answer your question. And there is no “right” or “wrong” decision. Just go for your heart. I think it always leads the right way.



    * Dear Mary: I hope llyana replies to you soon. If you want to communicate with more members,  you are welcome to start your own thread by going to FORUMS at the top of the page and taking it from there.


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