Forum Replies Created
June 11, 2021 at 5:33 am #381286
I’m glad that you find your situation silly. That means you don’t hide your emotions and can admit them. To sound silly is actually pretty admiring. You’re not an emotionless robot. Don’t be afraid to look like a fool sometimes. 🙂
Your 24s are the best time to get divorced, even though your parents don’t agree with this. My parents don’t understand my definition of happiness either. People of their age think that happiness is reached through suffering. And our generation finally changes this opinion.
And your plan is awesome! I can already imagine your enjoyment as you throw your soon-to-be-ex-husband away. Getting a better job is the only and the greatest thing you can do.
I’m fascinated by your actions. I’ve never seen a woman so ready for changes.June 8, 2021 at 1:19 am #381184
Wow, parents who underestimate your achievements – how familiar.
First, no matter how hard you’d tried to find compassion in them, that wouldn’t work out. They even accused the priest gave you the “wrong” advice. So, they think there’s no other point of view than their “right” one. That happens because parents are afraid to admit mistakes they made when you first asked for help. Imagine a situation when person A tells person B what to do but then realizes those actions lead to a collapse. Person A had better say sorry and help person B to get out of this. But that could have been seen as a defeat (even if we all know this is not). So, person A chooses to turn it into a giant snowball of wrong pieces of advice. Now both person A and person B need to get qualified therapy. But you’re not a therapist, so you can’t help your parents to admit their wrongs. That’s the truth you need to learn to live with.
Your parents seem to be those people who consider having a husband as the only purpose in life. Could you tell us more about the family model you saw when you were a child?
And to your thread topic: you didn’t ruin your life. Your marriage wasn’t a mistake. You did what you did. Yes, this now seems like an insoluble problem. The thing is, the only insoluble problem is death. Immortality is impossible. All the rest has the resolution. You just take your time to find it. Care for your health, pick up the pieces, and start from there. Maybe there are some centers for women in difficult situations near you.May 25, 2021 at 10:02 am #380384
<span data-preserver-spaces=”true”>I had the first consultation with a therapist about a couple of months ago. I had a problem and wanted to find a solution. The session went great mostly, but there was a moment I understood I’d never come back to her again when she asked me about kids. I don’t want to have kids right now because I’m just not ready yet. That doesn’t mean I don’t want them at all. But she misinterpreted it. Her words were: “Mary, honey, your age of 26-27 is perfect for having kids because the uterus SOLIDIFIES over time, and it’s harder to bear a child.” I mean, really? </span>
<span data-preserver-spaces=”true”>People who want to have kids and people who don’t – both these groups are NORMAL. We should learn to understand: some people can think otherwise and want different things in life. In Russia, this is still a problem. We all heard about the book “</span><span data-preserver-spaces=”true”>Domostroi</span><span data-preserver-spaces=”true”>,” which is an extreme image of tyranny in family life. And some Russians consider it as a call-to-action. But life changes and ideas change too. </span>May 17, 2021 at 3:45 am #379966
Dear Anagha Sonde,
The answer is NO: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your decision to stay single!
I’m from Russia, and the society here is not so patriarchal as in India. But women have been taught to be “perfect wives” for so long that today it remains “strange” to be unmarried. Mostly, parents want to see their daughters with a husband and many children. And often, it doesn’t even matter whether the husband is caring and loving or not. Sometimes, in small villages, when a daughter comes home in tears with bruises and asks for help, mothers can say that “time will pass, and you’ll fall in love, just try harder to please him.” AWFUL, right? But every day the world changes and people become more conscious of their own lives and wishes.
You say that your “friends and family want to see you married.” That’s the key. I’m 26 years old woman who still battles with the urge to please my mother. It’s hard, REALLY hard to stop doing anything to make HER happy. I even bought clothes only after she approved them. Now, every time I hear, “oh dear, what you do/buy/eat/cook/ is wrong,” I just say goodbye. At first, I feel like an “ungrateful daughter.” But next comes the realization that I finally live my own life.
I’m not asking you to fight against your family and friends. You won’t probably even make them change their minds. It will take a lot of time and effort to make them accept your point of view. But please, put yourself first. The most important person in your life is YOU. You can make mistakes, change your mind, and feel happiness and sadness because this is your life journey. Take advice selectively and follow your heart.
Maria.May 15, 2021 at 9:24 am #379897
I already replied to you in some other thread. But I forgot to mention an important thing! 😀
Never block your feelings! You’re absolutely free to feel less confident as losing virginity is a huge step. You have the full right to think about it like that. I found this thing somewhere on the web:
If you scroll it down, you’ll see a part with tips. Most of them are general. But here is the second tip I’d have placed on the top of the picture in big letters: THERE ARE NO WRONG EMOTIONS. What you should do now is to transform this feeling into the opposite one.
I’d be happy to hear more from you.May 14, 2021 at 9:48 pm #379896
I’ve made many mistakes in my job and my life. What I understood: I must first apologize to those who suffered from this mistake. And then, I should consider this situation as a learning experience. It won’t help my past, but it will definitely help me in my future to not do the same thing. Everything happens for a reason. So, show your gratitude and move on. 🤗May 14, 2021 at 9:06 pm #379895
Thank you too! I’ve never seen such a welcoming person on forums before. I fell in love with the atmosphere here on Tiny Buddha. I’m glad to be a person who can both get and give help.May 12, 2021 at 11:43 pm #379764
Well, first, did you like it? I mean, was this your want to lose virginity? If yes, so my congratulations! You’ve opened a new pleasant side of life. 🙂
I met no man who would have thought that his woman who’d lost her virginity before they met is a problem. At least, no adult one. But I’ve seen many comments on social media from Russian men, and hell, there are so many ill-mannered people. Most of them already have their own families! I just hope this is the way for them to let out their rage because consulting a therapist is still considered “a complete waste of time and money.”
You are a grown-up woman who decides on her life herself. Don’t let anyone demean you for that. No person has the right to humiliate others for that. If any of your future boyfriends thinks you’re “spoiled,” “frivolous,” or “an easy girl,” that only means they’re close-minded jerks. And he’s absolutely unworthy of your attention.
With all the respect,
MaryMay 12, 2021 at 10:17 pm #379762
Thanks for your kind words! 🙂 Well, the neurologist prescribed me some medicine I had already tried before. So I hope it helps again. 😀 And I still try to battle with my panic. The therapist helps a lot too. Seems like it’s going to be a long road.
That’s an awful coincidence. I’m glad you feel better. Keep resting, please, as it is the only way to recover fully. 🤗May 6, 2021 at 10:43 pm #379319
Well, my story’s here. I thought I wanted to be a teacher right from my childhood. I also wanted to be a vet. But thanks to my rationality, I decided not to go for it. 😀 Not only that, but I had a passion for English, so my mother and I thought it would be great to become an English teacher. I have a degree. Yes, I can be a teacher at any time, as in Russia, there is always a career opportunity for that. And I worked as a teacher. That was not that bad, actually. But what I felt was that inner feeling of doing something wrong. That’s when I understood that being a teacher was not MY dream but my mother’s. I know she tried to do the right thing for me.
Now my career is still connected to English but not to teaching. And I still hear my mom saying that “I’m in the wrong business.” Good thing I live far from her. And my job gives me enough money for living. But what’s important is it also gives me joy. Finally, I do what I like. I can’t call it “living the dream.” But I find it good enough to feel comfortable.April 30, 2021 at 6:59 am #378957
I know it’s a bit late to discuss your topic. But I couldn’t find my passion too. Well, I still can’t. I didn’t even have a proper hobby. All I had was my job which was good but not really satisfying. The thing is it stopped bothering me after my therapist asked me to write some kind of autobiography. It was hard for me to talk about myself on the consultation, so I decided to give it a shot.
I had to Google some tips on how to write it because I didn’t have any writing skills. I remembered all similar school essays “About myself” and it gave me creeps. 😀 So, I went with this one as it was one of the briefest, but you can use any other source you find.
Then I started writing. It took me almost a month to finish it. I always struggled the feeling I had nothing to write. Every time I tried to start a new part, I was confused. So, I spent several days thinking about every point and making notes when I remembered something worthy.
Finally, I collected all my notes and combined them in a single long text. What I realized was I had lots of hobbies and activities that were still interesting for me. That’s when I realized I just didn’t have time for them. I understood that I didn’t even read a book for two years! But I love it!
So, now I read a lot again. Yes, I can’t call it a passion, and it doesn’t fully cover my expectations. But I started with a small step, and it helps me to believe I’ll find anything else later. I sometimes re-read my “autobiography.” And now I plan both money and time to spend them on activities I like. For example, I also started donating some money to an animal shelter. It encourages me and makes me truly happy.
I hope you’ll find your passion. <3April 28, 2021 at 2:04 am #378851
I’m very close with this tiny voice telling me, “he’s a cheater, so CHECKALLHISMESSAGESANDPHOTOS.” That never led to any evidence, though. 😀 I’m not sure if this is good advice, but that helped me a lot.
First, I talked to my then-boyfriend (now husband) that if one of us ever feels love towards any other person, he must tell about that. Because for me, being kept in the dark is worse than being cheated.
Then, I just went with the motto, “If the person chooses someone over me, this person doesn’t deserve me.” Yes, this is hard to accept. I always prepare for the worst. But I don’t feel anxious about it because it won’t make me bad – it would make HIM bad.
And finally, when a panic attack comes in, I think like, “well-well, what do we have here – let the show begin.” It won’t kill me in any way, and it won’t even injure me somehow. So, if my brain wants to “have a party,” I’m in. Yes, I will feel not well. Yes, my day may go sideways. But it’s sometimes cool to have a bit of spontaneity in my life.
As the bottom line, I want to say that you’re amazing because you decided to consult a professional. I’m sending you a bacon of goodness and support. <3April 28, 2021 at 1:28 am #378849
Well, I don’t think there is a particular amount of time that applies to everyone. From my experience, my two past relationships were full of resentment because I couldn’t understand my exes not texting me each time they had free time. I was like “what do you mean you’re busy with your FRIENDS, don’t you want to spend all your free time with me?” That was horrible. 😀 But I was young and not really clever. Now I see, it was because I considered my romantic relationships are above friendship. And I don’t say it’s wrong. The problem was my partners thought about it differently. It took me a lot of time to realize that not only my BF wants some kind of respite, but I also need it sometimes.
So, here’s my opinion: as we’re all grown-up people with interests that don’t always correspond to other people’s interests, it’s absolutely normal to not connect all the time. That doesn’t make our love weaker. It gives us some new experience to discuss with our partner. We must respect other people’s personal boundaries, discuss any inconvenience, and act so as we’re both comfortable.April 27, 2021 at 12:08 am #378803
Dear TeaK and Anita,
About my perfect life – it’s not perfect, of course. But it’s improved since the last year as I started caring a bit more about myself. Teak, as you suggested, I might have something which I can’t solve. So, yesterday I found a therapist and had the first consultation. And surprisingly, it went great! I was afraid at first that we wouldn’t get along. But no, she’s the most understanding woman I ever met. 😀
Anita, yes, B12 will be the first supplement I’ll buy. I had a tinnitus checkup, and everything was okay. I found some physical therapy exercises and asked my husband for a massage. After that, I finally slept like a baby. My next steps will be some meditation sessions and a neck checkup.
Thank you both for the advice. I appreciate it a lot!
MariaApril 15, 2021 at 8:13 pm #377823
I’m new here, and I’m not competent enough to give you worthwhile advice. But I want to say the only thing regarding your thread title: THIS IS NOT WRONG. I’m from Russia, and women there are often told to raise the child in a nuclear family. It’s considered “wrong” to live without a husband. But what’s really wrong is your child seeing the disrespectful father humiliating his wife’s feelings.
You’re the only person who can answer your question. And there is no “right” or “wrong” decision. Just go for your heart. I think it always leads the right way.