Dear Esther,

The point of being present and mindful is to have a calm state of mind. The past is something we can’t change and the future is something we can’t know entirely for sure.

I think some amount of objectivity is needed for such big decisions. The past and future are guides at best.

Think of yourself walking a path and suddenly you are at crossroads.

These crossroads represent the options you know. The negative emotions you feel in relation to the past have two roles here – to make you think of limitations and how to work around those limitations.

The future seems like the destination you want to reach from taking one of the roads.

How does mindfulness and being present help here at all?

It helps in making you aware of your own emotions, the unpleasant ones especially when evaluating your choices. It helps you to differentiate between being emotional due to the past or being concerned.

When you are mindful, you are able to see that despite this entire exercise of evaluation, you still have this moment with you. You are not in your past or a possible future unless you think about it, ruminate on it.

I usually just take a good old piece of paper and write down the problem, possible choices, possible constraints and then take advice from others. Then if I still can’t decide cuz I am too emotionally tied to the problem, I think of the life I want 10 years from now. I ask myself – “What will I regret more?”

But yeah, I am not Wiz at this.
Most of the time I am a mess, lol.

Regards
Nina

im 22 and hes 23. Me and my bf have been together almost a year. We became long distance for 5 months but closed it off and moved in together for two months but he had to move to a diff city an hour away for work temporarily. We had a great relationship and i know that he loved me so much but like other relatinships, we had fights and times we almost broke up but when i tried to break it off he would call me crying and begging and i did same. we didnt wanna break up we both know that. He would always tell me that he didnt wanna lose me and he said to be with me is a life plan he already decided. He also alwasy tells me im his type as a wife n the future. We had many future plans. We were gonna move in again in two months. Now, we argued a day before he broke up but the next day we were happy again. at night he texted saying i never changed even he gave me many chances. When we argue i would get mad when he reacts angrily and even i just wanna talk when we fight. He hates it. I begged him not to leave and saying that we were getting better but he blocked my facebook and other Social media. He deleted all our pictures and told our mutual friend its impossible to continue this relationship. However, he has two instagram accounts an i know the password for the other one and i opened it to unblock myself and send messages. He keeps dleting and blocking and i would unblock and send again. That night he sent me a message a final message.
He said hes sorry he cant accept my personality and he appreciate everything. And he tried and waited the entire relationship for me to change but i didnt. That was the last message and i still keep messaging him but he also blocked my number. I made a fake account to message him again. I know. Bad move. The next day, I tried to open his Instagram but He deleted his account. Im so confused cause that acccount hes been using since 2011 and basically had all his memories. He could have just changed password and blocked me but why did he delete? He cut off all contacts and i sent a final message using the fake account that he didnt block saying i wanna be mature about the breakup and apologized for being emotional about it. He didnt read it and i assume he deleted it. he never contacted me since he broke it off. I started the No contact rule Its been a week since we broke up. When we fought before we would speak immediately and lonest time not speaking i think is 3 days. Other than the small arguments we have, I think our relationship is great and our sex life is great. Hes close to my family and we are best friends and like family. WEre both very comfortable with each other and im the only person he cried in front of or call crying when hes feeling insecure cause he has a high pride but he showed me everything and he told me im the only person he ever showed his real self (aside from family) I want him back and i am confident we can make out relationship work

SO MY QUESTIONS:
1. why did he delete it instead of just changing password?
2. should i keep waiting for him to contact me first?
3. What if he nver contacts me again?
4. Next week is valentines day and also our anniversary can i contact him?
5. he seems to not care at all cause he did not even give a closure or talk to me properly. What could possibly be the reason for that?

Please give me advice other than my questions,
Now im doing the NC and working to improve myself. Thanks in advance

I recently read a book by a woman who’s husband lost his long term memory and so literally lived in the present.
It proved to be very challenging for both of them.

There is a difference of setting goals and intentions and living in the future.
Setting goals and intentions happens in the present. once made the art is to do by not doing, meaning ruminating and trying to force the outcome. Instead one responds in the moment and adjusts as require. the path may not lead to the intention you were pointing to, but it will go where you are meant to be. Living in the present create the mindset were you can accept that.

Living in the future is living in the imagined dream of what might be, magical thinking and fantasy.
Living in the past is living in nostalgia, either attempting to recreate some past moment or change and fix one.