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Is my relationship salvageable?

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  • #386227
    Houston
    Participant

    I (M27) had a breakup with my girlfriend (F21) of 6 months, 5 days ago.

    If it matters at all, I took her virginity and I am her first boyfriend.

    [Apologize for the wall of text ahead of time, but I think the context here matters]

    Anyways, so we had a disagreement that escalated to a brief emotional outburst on my part where I said things I didn’t mean — I told her she was emotionally abusive when really her indecisiveness at that particular moment really upset me (there were other things that contributed to emotions that day too). The “emotionally abusive” comment immediately hurt her a lot and she became very, very upset. Even though I felt terrible for what I had said, in the moment I half-defended my comment and then put her on the spot and asked her if she was breaking up with me — to which she replied “You want an answer? Then we’re done, we’re done.” I experienced an adrenaline dump after my outburst. When she said that I just got really sad and I dropped her off and we were both in tears, and she hugged me goodbye.

    We didn’t have any contact the rest of the night or at all the following day. 2 Days later, we exchanged some superficial talk over text and briefly chatted about her first day back of undergraduate school. I told her I was going to bed and text her out of habit, “Sweet dreams babe, I love you”, to which she replied “Thanks, have a goodnight!” and that hurt me. I responded out of hurt and said something “I guess being cold helps moving on. Take care.” to which she responded “You told me I was emotionally abusive. What do you expect me to say.” I realized at that point she was still very hurt and so later that night I took responsibility for my mistakes in detail — to which she thanked me and said she appreciated it and that we are all human and make mistakes.

    I didn’t respond that night but the following morning I texted her saying “It doesn’t feel like it right now, but we’re gonna work things out…” and I proceeded to list exactly how things will be different. She said she has a busy day and will respond later but didn’t want me to think that she is ignoring me. Her dad texted me shortly after and told me she was very emotional and she could tell she cares about me, but that she probably just needs time right now. She texted me later that night detailing how hurt she was and somewhat being not convinced things would change if we got back together. She didn’t say explicitly whether we are still together or not, or whether we’re breaking up for good or if she’ll give me another chance, but I overanalyzing it I could read into it both ways. She did say one thing that I thought was a bad sign. I had mentioned earlier in the day that I thought we were the right puzzle pieces for each other, our pieces were just rotated the wrong way slightly, and it was time that I rotate them into place and keep them aligned there as they’re on the verge of breaking. She referenced that line by saying “I can tell you that my piece isn’t breaking, it’s broken.” A couple hours later I read her texts (I fell asleep early) and said “Thank you for sharing all that.” to which she replied that I was welcome and she made a few grammatical corrections before saying “I think that’s it (all the corrections), it’s been a long day lol” and “I’m going to bed now, have a good rest of your night” to which I responded “Goodnight [name].”

    The following day there was zero contact between us. Now it’s 3pm the day after zero contact and I am confused of what I should do. I really want to be with her.  Many people when they breakup will idealize the relationship and say things like they won’t ever find someone like that again. However, in my situation, I think what I found was very, very rare. I met a beautiful women with a personality that complemented mine well, and she was a virgin at 21 years old, and had never been in a relationship with another guy. I don’t think it’s too unrealistic to say that there’s a very good chance I won’t come across that again.

     

    If I want to reconcile and get back together with her, what should I do? I have already expressed my intent to reconcile with her, so I don’t know how to play it from here. Do I just continue to give her space until she contacts me first? In most cases I would probably try to let go of my expectations and attachments the best I can in order to go no contact and move on, but I don’t know if me being her very first lover will make her feel that I am being cold and uninterested in continuing things, and push her away further. I also know she is not the type to blow up someone’s phone and she is quite secure in herself, so she was the type to wait for my lead on most occasions throughout the dating phase and our relationship.

    She has a lot of other stressors going on (school, recent move, sickness, hormones from IUD, etc.), so I imagine this recent conflict from the relationship is overfilling her cup.

    I think I might have screwed up for good, and she may interested in moving on and experiencing dating, relationships, and sex with other men. But from what her dad tells me she is very emotional and other guys is the furthest thing she is looking for. She herself told me she doesn’t have any options (but she’s beautiful enough to easily acquire some if she wants to).

    I think the fact that I took her virginity and was her first partner carries a lot of weight, but I’m not sure if it’s enough to salvage the relationship…

    Thoughts? Advice?

    #386230
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Houston:

    If I want to reconcile and get back together with her, what should I do?.. Thoughts? Advice?“- I want to re-read your post more attentively later, but from first, fast reading, it seems like she is a very, very nice young woman and you may be nice when you are not angry.. maybe you may have an anger problem. If you agree (?) I suggest that you attend a few psychotherapy sessions to look into the origin of your anger, and ways to manage it in the context of close relationships,  so that it no longer caused damage in your life.

    *I will be back in a few hours.

    anita

    #386232
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Houston:

    Your anger: “we had a disagreement that escalated to a brief emotional outburst on my part where I said things I didn’t mean.. Even though I felt terrible for what I had said, in the moment I half-defended my comment and then put her on the spot and asked her if she was breaking up with me… I responded out of hurt and said something “I guess being cold helps moving on. Take care”- this is your verbal aggression against her (the outburst), and passive-aggression (“I guess being cold..”).

    “She referenced that line by saying ‘I can tell you that my piece isn’t breaking, it’s broken.”- aggression in the context of an intimate relationship breaks intimacy, it breaks the person receiving the aggression. In other words, aggression kills love.

    To resume a better relationship with her, you have to learn to manage your anger well so that you no longer direct aggression or passive-aggression against her. There needs to be no aggression in the relationship. You have to show her that you are able to practice a no-aggression policy in the relationship.

    anita

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