Hi Toggles,

Oy, this is a tough one. You love him and you want to be with him, that’s obvious. And on paper, seems like he’s a good fit–good family, decent job, mellow, an all around good guy. In my experience, these are the toughest situations to deal with because nothing is so obviously bad. It’s not like he’s cheated on you or he abuses you or anything. He just gets out of hand when he’s drunk and says things he says later on that he doesn’t mean.

Hmmmm….

I think that there is some part of you that doesn’t want to be with someone who treats that way–and ps, that is a not nice ‘way’ to treat someone (some people drink and they’re happy and fun, not flip out on their gf). Go with your gut and go home and recuperate, even though your heart may not agree. I tell you I’ve been through a very similar situation and drama like that is always an indication that something else is going on. And that will always pop up in your relationship, and since it comes from within him, there will be nothing you can do to stop it. Save yourself. When the shit hits the fan–and it will–you’ll have no one to lean on there in London, and you won’t be as strong as you are now, not if you move in together, because there will be more you feel like you have to lose.

Good luck, girl.

Pink

Toggles, you have made a very brave and a very sensible move in my opinion. I was in the same situation as you for the last two years, my ex was the loveliest and kindest person when he was sober. When he was drunk he used to shout verbal abuse (nothing physical for two years) at me but wouldn’t claim to remember it the next morning. I didn’t know what to do either as I was stuck in this sober/drunk truth confusion, until one evening it escalated to the next level and he physically abused me for the first time. This is the point when I thought enough is enough. You would never imagine someone that loves you to do that, but if they can treat you with such disrespect even as name calling when drunk, then hey – get rid of them while you can. They will ultimately end up doing the unthinkable. You deserve to be with someone that cherishes you. Truth is in sobriety or drink? I agree with Anita here, the truth is definitely in both. The sober side is what they are consciously showing about their personality, the drunk side is what they are unconsciously showing. Either way, you would have to deal with both if you stuck by him…

I registered for the site for the sole purpose of responding here from the other point of view. I myself have behaved in the same manor as your ex. I have become belligerently drunk and tore down the person I love more than anything else in the world. I have made her cry and let her down repeatedly. The fact that she is still with me is truly a blessing. I cant tell you whether or not he is truth when drunk or sober, but I can share my knowledge. I have this cousin. We were very close and went through some serious addictions together when we were young. We were raised in a family that this was considered normal and its a pretty big family. I was fairly young when I met my girlfriend. (I’m 30 now and I was 20 then so maybe not too young.) anyways every time I got together with my cousin we would proceed to get drunk and it got to the point where both of our significant other were weary every time we were together. If I was to lose my cool and black out and start screaming and yelling the next morning I felt nothing but remorse and guilt and apologized profusely, in my opinion if you drink to where you cant remember then you have no way of denying anything. My cousin on the other hand would remain quiet and give a quick apology and act like nothing happened. He would say its in his blood or blame his now ex-wife for not letting him have fun. Eventually, I took the steps and cut alcohol out of my life. Not for my girlfriend but because I wanted to give her a happy life. When I cut out alcohol I had zero support from my cousin or my family ( actually I had one or two uncles, but not my parents. ) The way I see it, unless we can admit our faults and sincerely reflect on ourselves with an open mind and without our built in opinions we can never grow. I don’t know the guy, but it doesn’t sounds like that is his prerogative. I can drink now a days with a little more control. I didn’t touch a drop for five years and naturally a lot of the outside influences that contributed to my outbursts slowly fell away. My cousin is on probation and is still in the same vicious cycle. In fact I take his two beautiful little girls on the weekends when he either gets thrown in the drunk tank or enters a rehab for the majillionth time. In my opinion you cant focus on whether your decision is right or wrong, but be proud you made a decision. The mean hate full things I said when I was drunk I never saw as truth but more of a metaphor for my insecurities. It was never my girlfriend that needed fixing, but myself.

Hi Toggles, I believe you have almost answered your own question there by saying “it’s so hard to keep loving someone with all your trust and integrity when you’re no longer sure that person values that that is what you’ve been giving them.”

Relationships should not be hard, yes everyone has struggles but your partner should be the one to support you when you have struggles elsewhere. I sometimes feel that deep down you know what is right to do. Yes the heart tells you to stay and forgive as it is the easier option, but you need to do what is best for your heart in the long run. We sometimes do not want to admit to ourselves what is the right thing to do as we feel it is too painful to face. If he will not commit to do everything and anything in his power to try solve this issue, then walking away is the only other option. Walking away is hard…but I guarantee you will thank yourself for making the move once you have healed and can see things more clearly. I wish you all the best xx