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Is there still hope?

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #353264
    Nina
    Participant

    Hi all,

    My boyfriend just broke up with me 10 days ago. The last 2 weeks of our relationship, I was getting afraid that it would not last for long, I got afraid and due to that I was looking for reasurence from him. I was getting more emotional. But We talked about it and I thought it’s just a fase I need to go through. We were together for 7 months and I felt really connected to him. 5 days before breaking up with me we had a argument, that didn’t take long. We were bought at fault. But he was so distant and the day I left his house he cried a few times and I cried because I couldn’t see him like that. After a whole day of distance, and me trying to talk to him I took some stuff and go to my own house. 5 days later he brought me my stuff and said it was over.  He was crying. I told him I got afraid and that I know that he is not responsible for my feelings and asked for a second chance. He was sweet with me, but said that is doesn’t feel good to stay, but still loved me. He left we didn’t have an argument, but both were very emotional. I think during the fight I triggerd something in him to. When he left he forgot to take his housekeys. 2 days later he called me and said he was at the door and asked if I am home. I said I was not, because I was at my sisters house. He said he came for the keys. We talked a little and he said he felt relieved after braking up. I told him then that it might be that he thinks he is relieved, because we didn’t talked about our fight, and by braking up with me he doesn’t have to look into him self and deal with the problem or trigger that caused him so much emotions. He told me that he is 100% sure about his decision, but also said that if he would regret he would tell me. I told him that I will send his keys to him by mail, but he didn’t want that afraid it will get lost or something. So I said, that he can pick it up and he told me that we will have contact about that again. He didn’t ask when I will be home and didn’t make any appointment to pick it up. This was 8 days ago and I still didn’t hear from him. I’m hoping that he is thinking about his decision. It’s hard for me to move on, because I dont know what he is thinking and why he is taking this long. I really hope we will get a second chance, but also in acceptance of the whole situation and taking full responsibility for my own part. I dont want to call him, because I’m afraid that if I do, I will interrupt him with his space, which I feel he needs right now. In the meantime I’m just focussing on me, and working through the emotions I have, trying to work on that what made me afraid in the first place. Would love to hear what you think and any advice is welcome. Thank you.

    #353366
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nina:

    I think that it’s a good  choice on your part to not call him, so to not “interrupt him with his space”. It is considerate of you to give him the space “he needs right now”.

    If and when he contacts you, make sure that fighting will never be a part of your interactions with him. Fighting really is not necessary, and as you can see, often both parties to the fight lose.

    Key sentence to your question (“Is there still hope?”) is this: “He told me that he is 100% sure about his decision, but also said that if he would regret he would tell me”-

    – “100% sure” is a high percentage suggesting no hope for the relationship, but people change their minds, depending on circumstances and their own behavioral history. Do you know him (from before the breakup)  to be sure of things, and then change his mind?

    anita

     

    #353378
    Nina
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response. No I didn’t know him before that. So I can really not tell. We never talked much about his passed relationships, simply because I never asked much about it. I only know he had a relationship for 8 years and after breaking up, he was single for 5 years. He dated in the meantime, but nothing serious. We took things very slow. I think we said that we love each other, just weeks back. And now him telling me dat it doesn’t feel good anymore, broke my heart especially when he said he feels relieved for breaking up. That was just to much information to share and made me feel even worse. I took my responsibility, I know I have fears I have to work through. I know he is not responsible for how I feel. I’m trying and most of the time we had a wonderfull time. This was our first big fight, and not even really big….I was done with it after 10 minutes….but I guess for him it was enough and he totally shut me out and never gave me a chance again to talk about it. I even dont know why he cried that much. Was it because he knew this was the end, was it something else, was it because he felt bad because of the situation. There was one point he said that he caused this whole situation, and that he felt bad about that. But I told him to let it go, that it was oke, we can work it out. I really dont know. If a man says I’m done, I will try to talk 1 time and if he still insist I will just let it go. Thats why I wanted to go to his place and drop his keys in his mailbox and send him a message after i would do that, so I can move on with my life. But then my mind is keeping me from doing it, because what if he calls for his keys and we get another shot to talk things out. My friends usually know me as someone, that wants te be done immediately and now tell me to take no action what so ever and just wait. I find that really hard and I know that this is because I feel like I lost control about the situation. He was very clear, but I really wonder why he is waiting this long to get his keys back. As you can read, I really dont know what to do next. Bring his spair housekeys, put them in the mailbox and move on, or just wait it out till he reaches out. Because I’m still willing to work things out, but you need 2 person for that.

    #353380
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nina:

    “what if he calls for his keys and we get another shot to talk things out”-

    I think it’s better that you do put his keys “in the mailbox and move on”, because the scenario of him meeting you in person so to get his keys, is not the only scenario for a future talk between the two of you. Besides, it is almost like you are holding his keys hostage.

    Return his keys. He will feel better about having his keys back, and feeling better, maybe, just maybe he will want to talk with you again.

    “don’t  know why he cried that much. Was it because..?”- I wish you knew and wonder why he didn’t tell you.. Maybe when you place his keys and a card in his mailbox. In the card, gently offer him to talk about what troubled him so and write to him that you would like to understand, to learn from what happened. What do you think?

    anita

     

    #353394
    Nina
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I think I need some time to think about this. Just today I told my niece that I will wait untill friday and do it then. For me it’s weekend then and I know I will feel terrible after doing that. I dont want to do that during the week, because I need to concentrate on my work. I came home after 10 days staying at my sisters house. He lives like 40 minutes from my place, that’s why I said to him he can come and pick it up anytime he wants.

    #353396
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nina:

    You are welcome. It makes sense to me for you to consider returning his keys (with or without a card) Friday, so to have time to recover from the ordeal.

    anita

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