Ive wrote in here a few times about a guy I work with that I have had a crush on for 8-9 months now. I feel compelled to write in detail atm – I don’t really have the opportunity to talk to anyone personally right now and I need some feedback if possible.

When I first started work over almost a year ago now, I was overweight and had been out of work for a very long time from mental illness problems. Having been severely socially phobic for most of my whole adult life. Particuarly with men. I will mention that men have always been a toughie for me. I am a woman btw. When I was 14, a loving boyfriend turned into a rape and then a sexual confusion- I had to grow up fast and at the same time be a child. Then I was dumped after almost a year for some older girl. At that time, I developed severe emotional issues and found it very hard to even go to school. During that period, I had an issue where I accidently found my dad’s large pornography magazines hidden in a cupboard (I was looking for lollies). And that made me feel so uncomfortable. I was compelled to read them all as what had happened to me with the boyfriend I wasn’t really conscious of what was going on and very naive. I remember reading one article about how a woman will push your hands away but that will just mean that she is teasing – and that made me feel so uncomfortable around my dad. I think I actually ripped up a whole garbage bag’s worth of magazines. And I remember being purposely locked out of the house on summer holidays with a lunchbox because I coudnt be trusted with being in the house because I go through people’s stuff- but nothing was said to me about the magazines or porn or anything like that. It was a taboo and I was left the black sheep.

It took a long time to get to a normal state and be comfortable around dad. I ended up dropping out of my last year in highschool. I became agoraphobic for years and then basically socially phobic my whole adult life. When I was 15 I started to wet the bed every night. I had tests done and everything. It made it hard to go out with my friends. See I lost all my old friends as they hung out with the boyfriend- but I found new ones – but by then they were all into going out and dressing up and looking for boys- whilst I was terrified and had body image problems and of course to sleep over and wet the bed or wear adult nappies with the fear of embarrassment. I missed so much.

It wasnt until I was 22 that I saw a female therapist for the first time. And realised what had happened to me when I was 14- after that I never wet the bed again. I was still socially phobic and not going out.

Ive done lots of courses though. And they always helped get me out and be social. When I was 24 I discovered a forum with people who had body image and social phobia problems and for once did not feel alone. Then one day I got a message from a guy who lived interstate from me and we got writing to each other and then chatting and then the phone and then he wanted me to fly over and see him. I was so naive and smitten that I actually felt accepted for once – I was on a high but my body image – I wanted to look perfect for him so I crash dieted and over exercised to 42kg – by the time I actually went on my first plane flight on my own – ( by passed so many fears) to see him- hen I actually met him in person he was not very friendly and looked at me in disgust. Wasn’t motivated to show me around the famous city – when we got to his place – he just sat at his computer with his back to me whilst I tried to talk to him- I was so euphoric of where I was and what I had overcome and that even I was feeling good in my body image because I was skinny and I grew up with skinny be in.’
But what happened is he raped me that night, then I justified it in the morning thinking that he must really like me if he couldn’t get his hands off me like that. But as I went down stairs for breakfast the next morning, he would say that I looked terrible and if I weighed more I would be okay, constant things through out my time there. – He decided to go back to work and not show me around much and do all the things that he had promised he would – so I had to take the train in and got lost in a huge city- it actually helped my social phobia anyway. But the abuse came very quickly with him. He said I was horrible because I had laughed at him during a whole car ride- but I never laughed at him- it was just a nervous thing after I talked – a normal thing people do – he said I would have to go home because I was so horrible. I cried. But I ended up staying for a long time. I dont remember much, but he ended up sleeping with me often, but no affection and even criticising my body and how I look in bed- to how I walked and talked and everything in between. I dont know why I stayed- i just wanted him to like me I guess- he would reel me in.
Anyway, he ended up blaming me for something very silly and told me I had to leave. Did not want to take me to the airport but ended up doing so, just drop me off and blast away- I had a few seconds to get my stuff out the car. No wave. I never did anything to hurt him. I just wasnt meeting his expectations. But it was always him that would ask me to stay. He was someone that would walk away from me in public like I was an embarrassment (despite putting healthy weight on), and a guy that would eat his food at a cafe before you and leave you there to eat on your own. When I got home, I was so upset and traumatised so badly that I nearly killed myself.
I was mute for 6 months. I didnt talk to anyone and I think in that time I didnt even see the daylight.

I had to pick myself up from all that. I remember an email from him telling me that he really liked me until he met me. I made cookies for him and gave them to him when I first met him- I was friendly? Anyway- that was in 2007. Its 2016 and I am happy that is in the past and I am now 33.

Between that period up until last year I had been very low in self esteem, overweight, and avoiding anyone except my parents and close family. I lived for my animals basically. I found it very hard to go out in public and to be around people. I did courses though and achieved some things. But I was always so low in self esteem that I would have severe anxiety and body image issues and insecurities that it was always a challenge.

Which leads me to now…… finally.
Last year was one of the best years i have had in a very long time. I was pushd a little by an employment group that if I wanted to there was an opportunity to work at a jumble shop. I have been on disability for a year or so and so I didnt have to- but I just agreed to. And by doing that, my whole life has changed.

I lost so much weight. At first it was that I wanted to. Because this guy at work the same age as me who has schizophrenia showed me caring and friendliness. He would jump about and look excited to see me when I would arrive then and I was overweight. He would follow me everytime and also open the door as I left. He would try to talk to me all the time. Of course being shy especially around boys. But I have learnt to get over that – there are men of mainly older ages there- and its helped me over my phobia of men.

But the thing is that I started to develop a crush on this guy at work. I thought he was/is so caring and charming and fun and funny to be around, authentic. I remember I didnt like him at first, not like that. Anyway, I ended up spending more time at work- my 2 days a week turned into 4 – as I wanted to be around him. I would work on the weekends just for that. And it spurred me to make huge changes in my appearance and body image. For once in my life I started to like what I saw and discovered fashion for once and looked after myself.
Working that many days a week also gave me a purpose and an identity- a hard worker and I developed muscles too.

Even with these positive things in my life, I knew it was dangerous to base my happiness on reactions from him. He would ignore me often- not that I pursued him though. As someone with schizophrenia, he has these very intense blank times and I knew that. But for weeks and weeks – months and months – seasons and seasons- I withstood it- and would react personally to it. I was not a that important to him anymore. It would confuse me. But I enjoyed working anyway. Just knew that I would get upset at the end and then get very lonely until the next working days. A recipe for self abuse really.

Times when he would come into my working area and joke around with me and stuff – and when we eat lunch together- I still hold out for those times. But the thing is that I feel that I realise that he doesnt have anything for me anymore- sometimes it feels he has or had but I dont know. I certainly dont make it show that I like him. It was gossip once as I told a few ladies and he found out and his ego got to him and he would flirt with me but tell me that basically he cant get over this girl from his past that apparently was the most angel face looking woman he had ever scene- but not a nice woman. He told me to think about someone so good looking that no-one compares- not something I wanted to hear! Its part of his psychotic history of many years ago- and ended up detained in a ward. He has love and hate mixed together and something that never happened I think. As she was with another man and even had a child. Not that its any of my business. But he talks about it often.

But the thing is, that even though I felt rejected and my body image and all the changes I had gone through and not good enough- no one giving me compliments – even clothes I never have worn like singlets- not even mum would tell me I looked nice and it hurt. Only people have told me I have lost lots of weight and that gets to me because of my past. Ive come to think that I am not great looking. Its hard because in highschool – before what had happened to me I was very popular with the boys- I had offers everywhere. I remember going to the sick bay once and seeing an old table with my name etched in it saying that person loved me – and then another too with that one crossed out- I guess its an ego thing I learnt. So it hurts when I realise that Im not that anymore.

On new years he actually asked me out though. The guy at work asked me out. I took it like anyone would as a date and got a little dressed up. We drove around in his car, had tea, watched the fireworks and then went to his place to watch a film and then I slept on his couch- he lives in a garage. Then woke up and had to go home.

I was thrilled – but disappointed. I didnt know if he didnt like me like that- or that because he knew a little about my rape history that he didnt want to hurt me. But I also was disappointed because I thought that I was now in his life and there would be even as just a friend a night out to watch a film with every now and then. So I was always privately eager to go to work- hoping he would ask me out again- and then 4 months passed. By then I was so upset. Felt so rejected and then I decide to take a week off work. When I come back the next week he says he now follows me on facebook and that it was chaos without me.

Then I go onto his fb page and what I saw really hurt my self esteem. I let it completely hurt my body image. It was his devotion page to women with blonde hair that all looked similar. Model type women that were from places he had looked up like universities in the city- these type of women who photo-shop their own photos in order to get an audience and lots of men following them. And he had posted all these love pictures and hearts and videos of romeo and juliete and romantic songs. And even with some famous people- photo-shopped himself in there. It was so over the top and of course he had loads of photos of himself too. But these women – it hurt so badly to me. And I couldnt understand why he was following me too- was I someone he saw as attractive or just someone to help his ego?

Anyway, I got so upset with that. I thought he liked me- turns out I am not good enough in the way I look and that hurts so badly- especially because it sends me to the past. And my body dysmorphia has come back. So I have in a short time got into bleaching my hair and then trying to correct it and then obsessed with my face sagging from weightloss and getting very very depressed and then having severe compulsions to shower and wash my hair all the time.

A few weeks ago he asked me out again though. And so I said yes. It was the same thing. Had a meal, went to his place, watched a film and then I went home. I dont understand him. At work he hardly ever talks to me much anymore- he can be insincere but sometimes the other way. I avoid him because I feel so ugly or feel pressured to look perfect in my mind around him. But it goes when I can laugh with him. Last week he asked me again to go out to tea, but then said that he hadnt the funds and to do it this week- so this week came and nothing happened – nothing was said.

But the thing is that I went on his fb page – something I never do. And everything had changed. All the women photos- everything like that was off – all the women he follows – even me were gone. And everything was about his hobbies instead and music and a few of his friends.

And this week he completely ignored me. So I really dont know what to think, how to act- how to be around him. Am I a friend to this guy- or what? I dont understand. He got excited when I had lightened my hair a little – that was when he asked me out again. And that is when my bdd got excessive.

I dont think he likes me- he did mention that he was going to that on fb anyway- he is obsessed with fb. But I am a real person not a fanatasy or anything. Am I his friend, what am I ?

I feel like changing my days at work- to be away from him for a month or so. Even though that would be hard, because not just him I when he is fun to be around, but the other people I work with on those days- I will miss them. But a part of me just wants to get away from him- because I guess I want him to miss me or appreciate me again- I know that is a bit ego and clasping straws- but its the truth- but only part of the reasons I want to be away from him. I want to heal my body image- when I see him all I see is that I am not important to him and all those blonde women he likes- it kind of makes me think those same things- that Im nothing great- etc. And I dont want to be that- I want to heal again.
But then, I think, if I do that then I might have problems in returning to those days- again because I might get anxiety and pressure from seeing him again.
So I figure to just keep a low profile or something? Or should I be mindful of all this and just try to be myself. Its the body image stuff that has really got to me because I feel that everyone at work sees me as too skinny now and I that I dont look nice I dont know- I am a healthy weight.

I just want to nurture and love myself again. And I am going to start juicing more organic fruits and vegies. I just cant overcome that feeliing of wanting to be noticed and liked by him at work and when I am ignored and not important it hurts.

• This topic was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Karene.