Home→Forums→Relationships→Is this a huge red flag?
- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
October 5, 2017 at 10:04 pm #171801dreaming715Participant
I’ve been with my current boyfriend (he’s 32/male, I’m 28/female) for 1 year and 4 months. He told me a few months ago that he wanted to take the next step in our relationship and asked if I’d be interested in moving in together when my lease was up. We love each other and things are moving in a great direction, but there’s one thing.
So he’s always been very independent and more on the logical vs. emotional end of the spectrum. We live a 15 minute walk from each other and only see each other about 4 out of 7 days of the week (on the days we don’t see each other we text). We usually spend Saturday night together (SOMETIMES Friday).
I love him a lot and could spend time with him every single day. He has openly said there are nights where he does just want to be alone. Or last Friday neither of us had anything going on and I asked if he’d like company or to have a night to himself and he said a night to himself.
Tonight I asked him if he ever feels lonely or just really wants more time together or if he ever thinks “I wish my girlfriend was sleeping next to me right now.” He kind of admitted that’s he’s content with seeing me during the day and not necessarily spending the night together because he just sleeps better in his bed alone (but he’s willing to adjust this because he wants to move in with me and has never lived with a significant other before).
I’ll be honest, I know he loves me deep down, but it’s a major buzzkill to essentially hear your boyfriend say he could take or leave sleeping beside you/your company.
I believe he loves me and we’ve gotten closer the longer we’re together, but at this moment in time I don’t feel particularly “desired” and “wanted” on an emotional level after hearing that.
What are other people’s thoughts?
October 6, 2017 at 4:42 am #171807boykismetParticipanti think it all comes down to what you value. his being open with you isn’t a red flag unless him not wanting to sleep with you is an absolute deal breaker. it sounds to me as if he’s being honest with you about who he is but because you value sleeping together it makes you feel unwanted… and it shouldn’t.
October 6, 2017 at 9:02 am #171867ElianaParticipantHi Dreaming715,
I have read many studies of where they have done research on people who lived together before marriage, and people who got married before living together. The divorce rate was twice as high, or engagements broken off with the people who lived together before marriage, versus the people who waited until they got married before living together.
The times, I lived with my first love and fiance before marriage, it did not work out. It started off well, but then things got weird, and we started fighting over petty things. It then started to feel like we were roommates, rather than a loving couple. I would come home from work, he would never come up to me and miss or hug me, just was on his computer doing work. I barely even got a “hi”.We also started to go to bed at different times, when before we would snuggle and be romantic and make baths for each other. It seemed moving in together paralyzed things and we lost the spark and romance and only saw the negative and constantly fought.
This is why I don’t believe in living together before marriage. Wait till you have that wedding band on your finger.
October 6, 2017 at 10:31 am #171903AnonymousGuestDear dreaming715:
My answer: no, this is not a red flag, not a small red flag and not a huge red flag. He is honest and straightforward about how he feels, what is comfortable for him, and what is not. This is a … huge white flag to me. When you move in together, over time, he may very well adjust to spending more time and more nights with you.
anita
October 7, 2017 at 11:18 am #172045DayanneParticipantDear dreaming715,
I have a friend that has been in your situation with a man that was behaving exactly the way your boyfriend behaves before she decided to move in with him. As you already know, each persons experience is different, and each situation is different … so please remember this while you will be reading my message.
Before you move in with any man ask yourself these questions: do i want to have children in this life? Do i want to get married with this man? And would i want to have children with this man?
If you want to have kids … you have to find out if he is ready in case it happens when not planned, as you’re already 28 of age and as sad as this may sound … your clock is ticking …
And if you want to have children with this man you have to ask yourself if you would be ok if he treats your children the way he treats you.
… because he will give the same “emotional closeness” to your kids too. If he is a person happy to live alone he might withdraw from being present all the time and withdraw emotionally from your kids.
I tell you, because i have seen the pain … his sleeping patters will change in the beginning, if he won’t be able to get good sleep, he will want you to sleep separately anyway. Relationships change in time, and we start caring more about our own comfort later than in the beginning.
If you want to get married with him, i think you should wait for him to propose first, then move in together.
A ring, a proposal means i want you and i want to make things work so we can be together forever, things can get difficult at times and you need to know both of you are in it for the long run. Marriage reminds you of that when you want to give up.
If you move in before the ring, you give him the benefits of a marital life without the commitment plus you are restricting your freedom of choice. Once you live together, if he doesn’t propose in time and you start getting tired of waiting for the ring … you will start getting angry, it will be difficult to make a change and it will be impossible to date again unless you move out. Because we can’t date another guy once we are living with one already. It is not the right way of doing things.
So, you have to be sure you can have a life with him the way he IS, without expecting him to change for the better in time …
IF you are waiting for him to change, please, do it while you still live separately and see where things go.
If he wants to put a ring on it, don’t give it to him easily, wait for him to do it before moving in, you can even tell him you won’t be moving in with any man that doesn’t propose first.
My friend, she is 40 now, that relationship didn’t work out for her, she waited for him to change, had difficulties moving out and waited 5 years for the ring(from 28 to 33) … as i said, don’t give him the benefits of a marital life before making a commitment.
Please be aware of the red flags, your concerns are real. What you described is his core, it is very hard to change that.
And it doesn’t have to change and things can go perfect as long as you are happy with his way of being and don’t mind it.
In life we get … what we accept.
I am happily happily married and moved in with my husband after the proposal. Previously, i had 2 failed relationships, both situations i have moved in before the ring(thinking the proposal will happen eventually). How you start your life “together” matters a lot. Do it the right way.
October 7, 2017 at 11:19 am #172047DayanneParticipantTRUE. TRUE. TRUE
October 8, 2017 at 10:54 am #172199MParticipantHello… I would not move in with him at this point. The fact that you are questioning it is a red flag. I don’t see that as the next step of the relationship. Spending more nights together at his or your place is the next step, in my opinion. Take at least two years, maybe more, before moving in together. Remember, YOU are taking a big risk by moving into his apartment. If it does not work out, you will be heartbroken and homeless. What’s the rush? Take your time…
-
AuthorPosts